Friday, October 14, 2011

Drama, Drama, Drama!

The truth about my relationship: Drama, drama, drama!

It’s funny how in relationships, something that starts off as a small disagreement can escalate into a huge problem in a short amount of time. 

When you are in a relationship with someone, it’s almost impossible to sweep an issue under the rug… it always has a way of reappearing. Issues don’t go away—they just mask themselves temporarily. And somehow, the longer you wait to address them, the harder it is to overcome them. And the impact it has on the relationship is bigger. 

My boyfriend and I were caught in this situation.  In fact, we weren’t just caught, we were rendered immobile. We had a slight disagreement last weekend about the limits of our relationship and what’s appropriate to do or not do while the other is not there. Well, fast forward five days later and we were having a full argument about trust and dishonesty! And the whole time we are arguing, I’m asking myself: How did we get here?

I was asking myself that, but I really knew the answer and I knew whose fault it was: MINE. I didn’t address the minor issue when it first occurred, so the longer I went without addressing it, the more problematic it became.  So although we had had no prior issues of trust or dishonesty in our relationship, the fact that I hadn’t addressed the minor issue, created a trust problem. 

And with the trust problem came the infamous DRAMA. My boyfriend and I generally try to keep drama out of our relationship—neither one of us like it.  However, this time, we were a slave to the drama. We couldn’t break free from its reign. It had a hold of us and the more drama we would entertain, the more would come. It was this vicious cycle of drama feeding more drama.

We both knew we needed to come to a resolution but we didn’t know how…

So for now, we are caught…

Friday, October 7, 2011

Undeserving

The truth about my relationship: Not sure I deserve the great relationship I have with my boyfriend…

I feel honored and blessed to have a man like you in my life.  I’m not sure what I did to deserve you; but nevertheless, I’m grateful.  I’m grateful to have you in my life because you are everything I dreamed you would be; truly.  

Six or seven years ago, I made a list of everything I wanted in a future husband.  I know people have different opinions on whether a person should write down a list of “qualifications” they want in a future mate.  However, it was important for me to write down my “must haves” and “nice to haves” in a future mate because I never wanted to settle.  No matter how many years I was single, I didn’t want to just go for anything. So I made a list…

On the list were “nice to haves” like "athletic" and "comes from a two-parent household," but there was also some “must haves” like "being a Christian" and "treating me well." 

My boyfriend matches so many things that I wanted in my future husband.  He meets my “nice to haves” and my “must haves.”  He is so right for me that it’s kind of scary.  How did I ever find someone who was such a great match for me?  I didn’t even seek this person out; it was like he was sent to me.  I believe God sent this excellent match for me, but why?  What did I do to deserve him? 

I have this great guy who is in love with me. We get along well and we trust and respect each other.  We have a great time together and are truly best friends.  I don’t know what I did to deserve a relationship like this…

So maybe I don’t deserve it, but the fact is I have it.  So I guess I need to start focusing on nurturing it and keeping it as opposed to questioning whether I’ve earned it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Can You Ever Be Too Truthful?

Image from nasblog.org
The truth about my relationship: My boyfriend is being too truthful!
They say “honesty is the best policy.”  In general, I agree with “them,” but there are times when being honest doesn’t actually help the situation. 

I was blissfully unaware of a few things my boyfriend had been doing (don’t worry, he wasn’t cheating on me), but this afternoon he had decided to come clean about some of his extra-curricular activities and behaviors.  None of these confessions contained information that directly impacted me, so when he decided to get these things off his chest, I was unaffected.  I was glad that he felt better; that there was a burden lifted from him, but other than that, I could have done without the information. 

It’s not that I don’t care or that I am heartless, but I have so many other things that do directly affect my life, that I don’t want to give energy to this situation.  Basically, I need to put things in perspective and I don’t want to over-react to this situation.  There are so many other negative things that he could have confessed that when he said what he said I almost chuckled. 

In a world with cheating and men on the down low and illegal activity, what he shared with me was the least of my concerns!

If nothing else, the honesty that he showed this afternoon told me that he really cares about me and wants me to be a part of every aspect of his life—good and the bad.  It’s one step closer toward trusting him and loving him more, which enables me to continue to let my guard down and be vulnerable with him. 

So they say honesty is the best policy…but they also say ignorance is bliss…who wins?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Searching...

The truth about my relationship: I am trying to find a sign!!!
Signs—there are signs all around us.  Signs tell us what to do, what not to do, how to act, where to go, when to go, and how to go.  Signs take the shape of octagons telling us to stop. Lights tell us to go, and flashing hands telling us to be cautious.

What I’m learning is that there are also signs in relationships—signs telling us to stop, go, and to be cautious.  And right now I feel like there is a bright, glaring green light telling us to proceed; go to the next level of our relationship. 

But we are unable to see the green light because we’ve been blinded by many years of flashing hands.  These flashing hands blink "on" and "off" in a rhythm that forces us to slow down.  As soon as we think we have the green light and can speed back up, the flashing hands come and make us cautious again, slowing us down.  So are almost stricken immobile for fear of moving when we aren’t supposed to.  It’s like we are afraid to cross the street to the other side for fear of getting caught in the middle and not being able to make it to the other side in time.  The flashing hands always push us back to our starting point. 

But this time is different—it has to be!  The signs are more obvious than ever; the only ones standing in our way is ourselves.  We are holding ourselves back from going to the next level.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of making a mistake.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of ridicule, criticism, and disagreement.

We are holding ourselves back because of others and how it will make us look.

But, at some point, we will have to take a risk.  We will have to cross the street and proceed to the next step in our relationship. 

We need signs, but we also need to trust the signs once we receive them. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

Hands-Off Helping

Sometimes I feel like a mom rather than a girlfriend.
Image by Yoshi Aka
I have a strong desire to help you, a strong desire to do things for you.  I want to solve the problem, find the solution, answer the question.  I want to do all the thinking so you don’t have to. 

But I can’t.  I can’t do that.  I am able to do that, but I shouldn’t.  I need to enable you to resolve your own dilemmas, not enable you to not have to face them. 

I want to help but I can’t.  I can’t be your mom.  You don’t want me to be, and I don’t want me to be.  But sometimes I find myself playing the “mom” role because I don’t trust you to do it yourself.  I know you have good intentions, but sometimes your intentions don’t translate to reality.  I just want to be there to ensure the translation is correct.

But I can’t do that anymore.  For the good of our relationship, I need to start being more hands off.  I need to start taking a back seat and letting you steer the car.  That’s the only way I’m going to start having confidence in you and you are going to have confidence in yourself. 

So I will stop “helping” (if that’s what we should even consider it).  I will stop treating you like a child.  I will stop holding your hand.  I will just stop. 

I have a strong desire to help you, but I have an even stronger desire for you to help yourself.  You are a very smart, competent man.  I need to start allowing you to be…

Which begs the question, why do I feel the need to play the “mom” role?  Do I like playing that role in relationships? Do I get some type of satisfaction by playing that role—Maybe in some weird way, I like to feel needed and in control?

Either way, I can’t put that on you.  I need to find someone else to place my maternal instincts on, because I don’t think any man likes to be told what to do for long…

Friday, September 23, 2011

Finding the Right Balance of Togetherness

A little "me" time is good for the soul.
My boyfriend makes me happygenuinely. I enjoy his company and have a great time when I’m around him. I’m a better version of myself when I’m around him.

But, what I’m also realizing is that I enjoy my own company too. I like being alone at times and I value my “me” time. 

So yesterday when he left to go back to his home, I was filled with different emotions. I was sad to see him go; sad to not have my partner in crime; sad to not have him in the bed next to me. But I was also relieved. I was relieved that I would be able to spend my evenings the way I wanted to, and I didn’t have to think about anyone else or cater to anyone else. I could just do me.

By being in a long-distance relationship, we’ve been naturally able to balance the together time versus the “me” time. In fact, we’ve probably had way too much “me” time than what’s necessary.  However, if we were ever to live in the same city, it will be important for us to continue to invest in the things we like to do by ourselves.  We don’t have to be up under each other every single night; we can spend some evenings alone. 

I actually think carving in time to be by ourselves would be good for the relationship. It will allow us time to miss each other and to appreciate each other.

Because that’s exactly what’s happening now—I miss him. When he first left, I was relieved; but that relief quickly turned into loneliness. I was lonely because I didn’t have someone to eat dinner with. I didn’t have someone to laugh at TV shows with. I didn’t have someone to cuddle in the bed with...besides my teddy bear.

So, if I had it my way, my boyfriend would live in the same city as me, but we would have two nights a week that we would be “off duty.” Meaning, he would do his thing and I would do mine. 

So I that’s the plan!...but first I got to get him to move to my city…because right now, all this alone time is killing me!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Crazy in Love?

The truth in my relationship is that I am crazy.  I am clearly the crazy, highly-emotional one in the relationship!

I try to act like I’m sane, like I don’t do and say irrational things; but the truth of the matter is, I do!  I could be fine one minute and as soon as my boyfriend says something to “set me off,” I’m not fine anymore.  In fact, I’m the opposite of fine.  I get irritated, angry, annoyed, and frustrated.  My eyes involuntarily begin to roll, my heart beat begins to quicken and my mind starts to race.  It races to see how quickly it can come up with a reason why whatever he is saying or doing is stupid, crazy, pointless, or insensitive.  The mind races toward a finish line of being “right,” but once I get there, I realized I haven’t really won anything. 

So then once I’ve realized that this “competition” (that I was in by myself) was pointless and dissatisfying, I immediately begin the race toward undoing what I’ve just said so things can be pleasant again.  There is no point in being “right” when everyone else is left.  There should be comfort in “right,” confidence in “right,” faith in “right.”  But when my boyfriend and I are in a disagreement and I’m “right,” I don’t always feel comfortable.  I’m usually uncomfortable because the right and wrong that we were debating was minor and I end up looking crazy because I debate it as if it were major. 

This crazy person (me) ends up being in this crazy cycle of ups and downs because I’m constantly trying to enhance the mellow and suppress the “extra.” 

I need to either let the mellow ride or let the extra do its thing.  But this constant cycle is getting tiring for my boyfriend and me. 

So I’m going to try the former—I going to try to mellow out a bit….

We will see how long that lasts…

Monday, September 12, 2011

Perfect Imperfections

Now that I'm seeing clearly, I appreciate his imperfections.
Uncovering the truth in my relationship has not taken out all the kinks in the relationship. My boyfriend and I are finally unafraid to love ,but that doesn’t mean we magically have a perfect, harmonious relationship. 

I wish that were the case. I wish that because we are both all the way in it, the annoyances, anger, anxiousness would be all the way out of it. I was hoping the unadulterated love would force out the undeniable “issues” in our relationship.   

“Issues” like our constant disagreement about music and trying to figure out what we can both listen to. And like his strong lack of organizational skills, which conveniently allows him to forget to do a lot of things we’ve discussed. Other “issues” include my inability to get a restful sleep if I haven’t talked to him at night and his inability to answer the phone once he is already asleep. 

“Issues” like these won’t break up a relationship, but will be just enough to get under your skin (some more than others).

I was hoping that my newly found love for him would wipe away the fact that he doesn’t LOVE Janet Jackson like I do. Or that this new passion would erase the fact that he has the organizational skills of a pre-schooler. Or this new adoration would be enough to give me many nights of restful sleep—with or without having talked to him.

What I realized was that my “hope” was hopeless…and insane. There’s no amount of love in this world that could erase all of our imperfections. In fact, it’s the imperfections that make it interesting. The imperfections add layers and those layers add depth and that depth gives you appreciation for that person. It’s in the imperfections that I learn to appreciate my boyfriend. 

So, my boyfriend and I have uncovered our “truth” in the relationship, but we are still uncovering the truth in ourselves. Each day brings a new truth, a new fact, and a new quality that we need to learn about each other and I’m grateful that we have the time together to do that. 

So today, my truth is that I need to praise the imperfections!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Love, Renewed

My boyfriend and I are riding the gravy train of love!  That’s right—we are extremely happy, and I’m loving it! I want to shout it in the streets so everyone can know, I’M IN LOVE! I feel like I’m Eddie Murphy in “Coming to America”!  “…To be loved, to be loved, O what a feeling; to be love!”
I am loved and I’m in love. That’s a pretty good feeling. And I don’t have this feeling very often, so I’m going to let it marinade…soak it all in. Soak in the warmth, the beauty, the majesty, the pure essence of love and what that means. 

This feeling is not to be taken for granted because it can leave as quickly as it has come. Love is strong, but it’s not invincible. It can be penetrated, damaged, bruised. It can fade and cause pain. I’ve felt that pain before and it’s not something I want to remember. So I want this new feeling of overwhelming love to overwhelm my soul, my heart, my spirit, my memory! 

Love can heal old wounds and it’s finally starting to do that for me. The love my boyfriend gives me is finally starting to break down the walls, melt the ice around my heart, undo the defensive mindset, divert the default attitude.  His love is directing me back to the old me, the innocent and naïve me; the “me” that had never been hurt, had never been wronged, and had never been deceived.   

His love is making me believe in true love, carefree love, honest love. I just found the truth in my relationship. The truth is we can’t be afraid to love. Throughout the five years that my boyfriend and I have been dating off and on, either he or I was holding back. So then the other couldn’t fully love because they weren’t feeling the full commitment from the other. 

We are finally on the same page. We are finally unafraid to love. 

That’s my truth! What’s yours?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Deciding to Follow My Dreams or My Heart

Art by Zoran Ozetsky
I’m sad.  I don’t know what to do.  I have the opportunity to follow a dream, a passion of mine but that would mean being separated from my boyfriend for as long as a year.

I don’t know what to do. 

My boyfriend shouldn’t come before my dreams and my goals, but I guess I didn’t think I would ever have to choose.  I always thought the direction my life was going in and the direction his life was going in would overlap…but that’s not necessarily the case. 

I’m going to have to make a choice.  And I don’t know what to do.

I want my life to have purpose.  I want to follow the path that God has carved out for me, but I want that path to include my boyfriend.  But maybe it doesn’t or maybe it shouldn’t.

Maybe it’s not about what I want, but about what He (God) wants.  Maybe I’m over thinking it and it will work itself out.  Maybe this is a test—a test to show that my purpose in life and what God wants for me comes before my boyfriend.

So although I’m currently sad, I know that the end goal is worth it.  If my boyfriend and I are meant to be together, then that will happen.  If we are supposed to be apart, then that’s what will need to happy.

I have to live my life for Christ, not for my boyfriend.  

So that’s what it is.  Let’s see where God leads me…

Friday, September 2, 2011

Frustration

Frustration arises as I talk to you. Blood boiling, pulse racing, fingers trembling—all from you. You make me so mad sometimes. And I can’t even help it. I don’t want to get mad. I don’t want to get annoyed. I don’t want to get frustrated.  But you have a special way of making me feel that way sometimes. It’s like in some way you know the exact trigger to pull to take me from 0 to 60.

Right now, I’m at 60. I’m at my max. Not outwardly fuming, but inwardly boiling hot. I’m hot because I can’t count on you to make a decision about anything.

One day you make a decision. You say one thing; you tell me it’s definitely happening. Then the next day (literally), you saying something completely different and don’t bridge the gap between how we got from one “definitive” thing to another. 

It’s frustrating because with all these broken promises, I begin to get offended because I take it personally. I take it personally when you decide not to come visit me at the last minute. I take it personally when you say you’re going to call but end up with your friends. I take it personally when you make a plan for your life and forget to consult with me. I take it personally…

It is personal. You may not mean for it to be but it is. I, a person, am being taken for granted. So I, a person, am offended. And when I’m offended or get my feelings hurt, I express that in anger or frustration because those emotions are a little less “weak;” a little less vulnerable.

So yes, I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I annoyed. I’m mad. But, really, I’m hurt. I’m hurt that you can’t make decisions when it comes to me. I’m hurt that you prioritize other things over me. And I’m hurt that you don’t do what you tell me you’re going to do.

Frustration arose as I talked to you…masking the hurt I felt as more promises were broken…

Friday, August 26, 2011

Shaken by the Past

I'm looking ahead on my journey...no more looking back!
Yesterday, I ran into someone I used to date. Physically, I kept it moving—didn’t pause, didn’t look back, didn’t miss a step. But mentally, I was a bit rattled.  I didn’t expect to see him; I hadn’t seen him since we had stopped talking…

We had stopped talking so abruptly that I always imagined that if I ever saw him again I would have so many questions, so many things to say, so many things to get off my mind. But when I actually saw him, I had nothing to say. It wasn’t worth it—I didn’t care. In that moment, I was so happy with myself and with my life that it didn’t matter why this person did the things he did. I didn’t feel like absorbing the negative energy of a past relationship; drowning myself in the “what ifs” and the “how comes.”

It didn’t matter.  In that moment, the thing I felt good about is that I have a man who loves me; who wouldn’t hurt me; and who’s here for the long run. I have the absolute right man for me and this man that I had just run into was just a step in the journey toward finding that right man. 

But, I must admit, even with being so in love with my boyfriend and knowing that he’s the right one for me…my emotions did go haywire for a bit when I saw him.  We were walking toward each other and I didn’t know if I was supposed to smile or be mean, if I should wave or not move, if I should stop and talk or keep walking…

So many questions, but in the end, I think I did the exact right thing and kept it moving. And that’s just it…you got to keep it moving. You can’t look in your past and try to analyze it or try to make it better than what it was. It’s in the past for a reason.

I needed to look ahead of me and get to where I was going…so that’s what I’ve done.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Infinite Wisdom of Grandparents

Simply put, my grandfather’s perspective on relationships is, “When you see something you want, you better get it before it’s gone!”

That’s what my grandfather was thinking when he proposed to my grandmother 60 years ago at the age of 21 (she was 19).  They had both grown up on farms in the small city of Unadilla, Georgia.  They had known of each other’s families growing up and started dating once they were adults.  After dating for just a few months, my grandfather proposed.  He knew what he wanted.

Sixty years later, he’s sitting beside his 26-year-old granddaughter who has been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years, and he asks me, “So why aren’t you married yet?”

I chuckle because that’s a very loaded question.  It catches me off guard because we hadn’t been talking about relationships or anything like that. I pause and I respond simply, “Because no one has asked me.” 

Apparently, that was an insufficient response because he nodded his head and said, “Well, the next time I see him, I’m going to ask him what is taking so long.”

I smiled to myself.  I love the fact that my grandfather is going to ask the magic question that I’ve been wanting to ask.  My 82-year-old grandfather is going to ask my 24-year-old boyfriend, why it’s taking him so long to propose to a young woman he’s been dating for some time now!

I love the picture that the image paints in my mind and I’m also eager to hear how my boyfriend responds.  My boyfriend is of the mindset that the situation has to be “right” before he proposes.  But my grandfather would say that if you spend time waiting for a “right” time, you might lose out on a “right” woman.

My grandfather saw in my grandmother the qualities that he wanted in a wife and 60 years later they are still together…he just wants the same thing for his granddaughter; because what he would also say (in his infinite wisdom) is that if a man is making you wait too long, you need to move on!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Stability

I’ve noticed that relationships require a certain level of stability in order to last.  A relationship that is constantly changing, constantly adapting, constantly presenting new questions and new issues usually falls apart.
 
Some relationships can’t even take infrequent changes.  I heard of so many cases where a couple was doing fine, but as soon as they got married, the relationship crumbled.  Or two people who were dating exclusively, as soon as they put a title on it, they broke up.  It’s like they let the commitment associated with marriage or with being “boyfriend and girlfriend” put pressure on them and the relationship.  So it was really the pressure of the change, not the change itself that formed the crack in the relationship.

So many things can add pressure to a relationship: having babies, not having babies, changing jobs, losing jobs, relocating, death in the family, illness in the family, even going through a significant weight gain or weight loss.  Humans need a certain level of certainty, so when change happens, we get anxious because we don’t know how to live in this new environment.  We become very uncomfortable and that level of discomfort makes us very conscious of every element of the relationship—the good, the bad, and the crazy people!

That’s what I’m most nervous about when I think of my long-distance boyfriend and I moving to the same city—the pressure of it causing our relationship to deteriorate.  The romantic in me says that love can conquer all and that if we’ve dated for this long, nothing can break us now.  But the realist in me says nothing is guaranteed and in matters of the heart, things don’t always make sense. 

But the alternative is we don’t ever make a change; and that’s also not realistic.  So I’m going to have to take a risk…make a change…take the plunge…bite the bullet…and whatever other cliché I can insert here.

I guess if my relationship does fall apart, I can’t say that I didn’t take a risk…

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Choosing YOUR Best Option

When you know there's a better option, do you just leave?
Does having options of who to date make us feel good about who we choose or make us indecisive of who to choose? 
We live in a land of opportunity; a land of choices.  You have a choice of how and where to get our groceries, a choice of which of the 300 TV stations to watch, an infinite choice of music and multimedia at our fingertips…even a choice of hair color, eye color, and body type.  We have a lot of options and our options are increasing every day.  With that increase of options, we also have many options of people to date and ways to find those people.  With the introduction of online dating and social networking within the last 10 years, it seems people are becoming more indecisive about whom they want to be with and if that person is right for them…

Even once we start dating someone, we are always wondering whether this is the perfect person for me or if there is someone better out there.  So what ends up happening is that we let “little” things erode our relationship and end up breaking up in pursuit of something better… 

…Once we are broken up, if it takes a while for that “something better” to come along, we start to doubt the decision we made to break up.  Also, around this time, loneliness starts to set in.  So then we are doubtful and lonely—these factors alone cause us to call up our exes and eventually get back together…at least until the next thing happens that causes us to want to break up again.

On and on it goes—this cycle of indecision.  I am extremely guilty of demonstrating this behavior.  My boyfriend and I have broken up twice since we’ve been together.  Now, I must admit, both times we broke up, it was for a reason.  BUT honestly, the first time we got back together, we shouldn’t have.  It was too soon—nothing had changed.  But we were lonely and were not confident with our decision to break up—we were indecisive.

So what I’m learning is that although there are a lot of options, there may only be ONE best option for each person and if the person you are with doesn’t feel like the “best” option—make a decision…LEAVE.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Making Plans—With or Without Him

I don't know what the future holds, but moving forward regardless.
As I’m planning out my life, I want to make sure my boyfriend is included in those plans, but I also don’t want to make any assumptions.  Every time I’ve started to assume things, reality smacks me in my face.

I want him to be a part of my future, but I don’t want to assume he will be a part of my future.  On the flip side, I don’t want to assume that he won’t be a part of my future either.  I’m in a lose/lose situation—when I don’t include him in my future plans, I hurt his feelings; but when I automatically do include him in my plans, I risk getting my feelings hurt. 

How long do you have to be dating before you can start automatically including the other person in future life plans?

I have a friend of mine who was dating a guy for ten years.  They were extremely happy (at least, it seemed that way) and they had been talking about marriage and babies together.  Well, one day, the guy just up and left my friend…left without a word, without a reason, without a sorry.  He left her wondering what she did wrong.  The truth is she didn’t do anything wrong, but that’s not how she felt.  She was comfortable in that relationship and he ended up blind-siding her.

Now, the moral of the story is not Never make assumptions in a relationship.  But I bet that is what she will take away from that relationship.  The moral actually is Always keep a sense of who you are in a relationship, so you’re never left feeling incomplete without the other person in your life.   

So then maybe it’s not about when you can start including a person in your plans but what plans you are including them on and making sure you both want the same thing...then I guess you won’t have to assume anything anymore…you would just know.

Friday, August 12, 2011

What More Could You Want?

Is it enough to have a man that loves you or does he need to be in love with you?
Is it enough that he cooks you dinner or does he need to make all your favorite meals?

Is it enough that you’ve met all his friends or should you have met his parents too?

Is it enough that he has a job or does he need to work in Corporate America?

Is it enough that he has his own place or does he need to own that place too?

Is it enough that he spends money on you or does he need to be able to buy you all the nicest things?

Is it enough that he has a car or does he need to have a luxury car?

Is it enough that he cares about you or does he need to have a plan for your lives together?

Is it enough that he wants to marry you or does he need to be popping the question tomorrow?

Is it enough that he has a plan for his week or does he need to have goals and plans for his life?

Is it enough that he spends time with you or does he need to spend all his time with you?

Is it enough that you and he have the same basic morals and values or do you need to be lock-step on all issues?

Is it enough that you can tolerate his family or do you need to address his mother as “mom”?

Is it enough that he isn’t out of shape or does he need to have a ripped, bulging biceps?

Is it enough that deep down he is everything you’ve ever wanted or do you need to know something more?

What more could you want?...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Everything's Back in Focus

I feel different today—I feel differently about my boyfriend.  I feel like my love for him has finally graduated to the next level.  I can’t explain it, but something is definitely different. 
I have a renewed focus on our relationship and want to do things to make him happy.  I have more security in our relationship and feel excited about where we are going.

But it can’t all be roses and sunshine—there has to be a catch.  Every time I start to get comfortable in a relationship, something happens to tell me, don’t get too comfortable, don’t let your guard down, don’t lose yourself.  So I’m waiting for that “something” to happen.  I’m waiting for the ball to drop, the bomb to go off, the mystery to be revealed. 

But by waiting for something bad to happen, will I inadvertently create something bad?  Will I be looking so hard for that “something” to appear that it magically yet irrevocably shows its face? 

I want this happy moment to last, I do. And I will do what I need to do in order to make it stay.  However, what I’m realizing is that I’m usually the issue, the “something.”  It’s me that usually sabotages our happiness.  So I need to save our relationship from me.

I need to not drop the ball.  I need to not set off the bomb.  I need to not uncover a mystery.  It’s on me…I’m my own worst enemy.

So with that in mind, I’m going to do my best to get out of my own way.  I’m done sabotaging my relationship.  I love this feeling I have now toward my relationship and I want to make it stay.

They say “awareness” is the first step to recovery, so I’m on my way to be a recovered “relationship sabotager”!  I wish there was a meeting for us, cause I’m not sure I can sustain this on my own forever!  : /

Friday, August 5, 2011

Where's the Passion?

What happens when the passion fades in a relationship?  What happens when there’s no more excitement, no more thrill, no more “pizzazz.”  What happens when you stop putting in time to really please your mate? 
What happens is…your relationship gets dull, gets stale, gets boring!

I’m desperately attempting to save my relationship from getting boring.  I feel it going down that path and I refuse to let it continue.  I refuse to be in a relationship that doesn’t have any passion.  I need to have passion toward my man and he needs to be passionate about me…

But recently, my man has lost his “mo-jo.”  He doesn’t have as much game as he used to.  He used to sweep me off my feet.  He used to do little things for me to surprise me.  He used to catch me off guard. 

Now, he surprises me by how boring he has gotten.  He’s not creative anymore or spontaneous. I know he still loves me deeply but we are starting to act like an old married couple instead of a young, vivacious in-love couple.   

I want the world to know we are in love.  And, right now, if someone looked at us, they would think we are friends who kind of liked each other. 

That’s not good enough for me.  I need “wow,” I need “pop,” I need magic. 

So now the question becomes, “how do I put the magic back into my relationship?” 

I need help figuring that one out…

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Matter of Choice?

Is it true that men are unable to multi-task and think comprehensively?  Or is it that they choose not to do multiple things at one time, choose not to get involved in the details and choose not to engage on all levels? 
Are they really incapable or is it a choice?

As women, we experience multiple situations where we’ve asked the man, our man, to do something and even though they’ve agreed to do it, they wait a long time to get it done, don’t do it all the way, or totally forget to do it altogether.  So are they really incapable of doing what you’ve asked them to do in a timely manner or is it that they don’t choose to do it until they feel like it?

I’m starting to think it’s a choice…

I’ve asked my boyfriend on multiple occasions to please check his work calendar and find a weekend that he has off so we can plan a vacation together.  To me, that seems like an easy thing to do.  But for some reason he has yet to do it. 

Surely, he’s capable of checking his calendar and seeing when he will be off, so by process of elimination I must conclude that he chooses not to do it. 

I don’t think he makes the choice to not do something maliciously or even intentionally.  I believe he chooses not to view it as a priority and, consequently, forgets to do it. 

Maybe that’s it.  Most men view half the things women request of them as a low priority... 

Take out the garbage?...low priority

Mail something for me?...low priority

Call me at a certain time…low priority

Call the insurance people?...low priority

Feed the kids…low priority

Take the dog out…low priority

Pay the bills…low priority

Or maybe it’s the fact that we “the woman” have requested it that they view it as low priority.  So if they’ve thought of it themselves, all of a sudden, it’s a brilliant idea that needs to be handled immediately. 

So I’m shifting my energy away from getting him to do something that I’ve requested and toward getting him to come up with the idea himself…you know, let him be the man!  ;)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Loving Without Restriction

I need to be happy.  No matter what happens with my life, no matter what I end up doing, I need to be happy. 
I need to be happy with myself and I need to be happy with the one I’m with.  My man needs to make me happy…at all times.  I want to be happy at all times.  I want him to be able to fix my bad days, lighten my heavy mood, ease my weary spirit, solve my toughest issues.  I want him to love all over me and kiss away my pain.  In times when I can’t make myself feel better, I want him to come to my rescue. 

I must admit, sometimes I need him.  I need him to be there for me and that’s hard for me to say.  It’s hard for me to admit that I need this man in my life, not out of dependence, but out of desire.  I need his spirit, I need his energy.  I need him.

Although I need him, I refuse to tell him that.  I refuse to let him know my full desire for him.  Why?  I'm not sure.  A pride thing, I guess.  I can’t let him know that my happiness is reliant upon his happiness. 

When I was totally reliant on him in the past, it burned me.  He ended up abusing my love and I just can’t go through that again.  I used to be smitten; now, I’m smarter.  I don’t want to love blindly…I don’t want to get hurt. 

I want to be happy. I want to love freely. I want him to know how much I love himbut at what cost?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Drifting Away

Photo by Rick Sampson
I feel myself pulling away from you. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure when, but I definitely am.  I don’t feel as close to you.  The love is still there, but the emotion is not. 
I have this strong sense right now that I need to focus on me.  I need to be all about me.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have you around or that I don’t want you around, but I can’t continue to focus solely on you.  I have to start living for me.

I’m so exhausted and worn out with my life—I need to start doing things that make me happy, that bring life back into my life.  And right now, you are dragging me down.  I’m so concerned with your issues and your problems, that it’s consuming me and my disposition.  I feel as though I have your same issues and that’s not the case.  At least, I can’t let it be the case. 

My emotions have no time to be carrying the burdens of two people.  I have enough happening in my own life that I need to start paying attention to.  We can’t keep having two people focused on you and no one focused on me.  That’s not fair. 

I need to get my life back to a level of fairness…I need balance.  I need to be happy. 

Being without you does not make me happy, so that’s not what I want.  But I’m not sure how to get happiness in my life when I’m focused on you.   

So I’m going to need to be selfish for a while as I focus on the things that I enjoy.  I’m going to start saying “no” to people and start doing what I want to do to bring me joy. 

I need to pull away from you a bit and start pulling in more of myself.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Mystery We Call Love

Love is a mysterious thing—it cannot be explained, it cannot be defined, it cannot be rationalized, it cannot be described.  Love is a feeling—it just is.  It’s just there.  Love has no timeframe.  It has no constraints.  Love is just present—it just shows up; sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes unwarranted, sometimes unmotivated.  Love doesn’t follow the rules; in fact, it often breaks them. 
Love doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t make common sense, but somehow knows what’s best for you.  Love looks past the superficial—love doesn’t care what a person does, what a person looks like, what a person’s goals are, what a person’s background is.  Love only cares about who a person is today. ..how it feels about that person right now. 

Love cannot be summed up in words…so when my boyfriend asks me why I love him, it’s hard for me to answer, because it’s just a feeling—it’s what is.  It’s hard for me to describe to him the feeling of comfort I get when he’s lying next to me.  It’s hard for me to explain the feeling of loneliness when I haven’t seen or talked to him in a while.  It’s hard for me to explain the confidence I feel when I look at him. 

I can’t explain a feeling, which sometimes makes it hard to tell others why I like him so much or why we are still together, or why he is the man for me. 

Love doesn’t allow for why’s—only who’s.  Love chooses the person to attach itself to and tries not to let go.  Love finds the object of its affection and doesn’t have time to explain it, describe it, rationalize it, or define it.  So I’m going to stop trying. 

Who I choose to love is a mystery—let’s just leave it at that…