Choosing YOUR Best Option

When you know there's a better option, do you just leave?

Does having options of who to date make us feel good about who we choose or make us indecisive of who to choose? 

We live in a land of opportunity; a land of choices.  You have a choice of how and where to get our groceries, a choice of which of the 300 TV stations to watch, an infinite choice of music and multimedia at our fingertips…even a choice of hair color, eye color, and body type.  We have a lot of options and our options are increasing every day.  With that increase of options, we also have many options of people to date and ways to find those people.  With the introduction of online dating and social networking within the last 10 years, it seems people are becoming more indecisive about whom they want to be with and if that person is right for them…

Even once we start dating someone, we are always wondering whether this is the perfect person for me or if there is someone better out there.  So what ends up happening is that we let “little” things erode our relationship and end up breaking up in pursuit of something better… 

…Once we are broken up, if it takes a while for that “something better” to come along, we start to doubt the decision we made to break up.  Also, around this time, loneliness starts to set in.  So then we are doubtful and lonely—these factors alone cause us to call up our exes and eventually get back together…at least until the next thing happens that causes us to want to break up again.

On and on it goes—this cycle of indecision.  I am extremely guilty of demonstrating this behavior.  My boyfriend and I have broken up twice since we’ve been together.  Now, I must admit, both times we broke up, it was for a reason.  BUT honestly, the first time we got back together, we shouldn’t have.  It was too soon—nothing had changed.  But we were lonely and were not confident with our decision to break up—we were indecisive.

So what I’m learning is that although there are a lot of options, there may only be ONE best option for each person and if the person you are with doesn’t feel like the “best” option—make a decision…LEAVE.

All About Me

Today…it’s all about me and celebrating who I am.  Today, I’m not someone’s girlfriend, I’m not someone’s friend, I’m not someone’s daughter.  Today, I’m me—all by myself!  

Today, I say “I do what I want!”  I go where I want to go, I say what I want to say, I live how I want to live.  Today, I don’t do anything that my boyfriend wants or doesn’t want to do.  Today is about me. 

Today, I don’t have to worry whether I was too mean or too nice, too quiet or too loud, too excited or too calm. Today’s I don’t have to worry about how I come across to other people.  Because today—I truly don’t care.  Today, I care about me.

I care about who I am, what I like to do, what I like to eat, and what I like watch—all of it.  Today, I’m only surrounding myself around the people I want to be around.  I’m not playing nice today and I’m not being someone I’m not.  Today, I’m being me.

Today, I’m going to be confident in who I am as a person and not try to live up to other people’s expectations.  Today, who you want me to be and what you want me to do doesn’t matter.  Today, the only person I listen to is me.  No one else has my best interests in mind like I do.  Today, I only think of me. 

Today, I remember all the unique qualities of me.  All the things that make me different versus everyone else.  All the things that let me know that I was created for a reason.  Today is the day that I embrace those qualities, those mannerisms, those traits. Today, I embrace me.

Today is the day that I feel so blessed.  Blessed to be me…with all my flaws, all my weaknesses, all my blemishes…just me!   

A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 

You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

Looking Back at Single Life

…Single girl life…it’s had many adventures. I had crushes on boys and tried to get them to notice me. I’ve had kisses with random boys and tried to get them to forget me. I’ve had days and weeks of uncertainty: is he going to call? Does he like me as me as I like him? Why did he stop talking to me?

Single girl life brought many adventures, but the adventures I’ve been through since I’ve been in a relationship have been more intense, more meaningful.

This past weekend was no exception. I decided to go to the wedding of an old guy friend by myself. Wrong! There were so many things wrong with that, but I at least I’ve learned for the future:

1)       Never go to weddings by yourself when you are in a committed relationship

Done. The list stops there because that alone was enough. I had a good time at the wedding and I’m glad I went. I just wish I would have brought my boyfriend with me. The wedding was a grand event; I wish he had been there to experience with me.

Not to mention, weddings put you “in the mood.” Whatever that “mood” is, a wedding will get you there quicker. If you are feeling sentimental, a wedding will heighten that. If you are feeling sexual, a wedding will stimulate that. If you are feeling frustrated, a wedding will let you know what exactly is frustrating you.

So why would sexually-frustrated, sappy me go to a wedding by myself? The jury is still out on that one…

But the adventures that ensued because of my decision were very interesting.  I found my hormones wanted to be around any person with a pee-pee and my heart only wanted to be around one pee-pee and he was 1,000 miles away in Atlanta. So my heart and my hormones waged a war this weekend—I’m proud to announce that my heart won out! I made it through the entire wedding without losing my mind, my morals, or my man! 

But why even put myself through that?! Classic rookie mistake—I will never go to a wedding without my significant other again! This was an adventure I do not want to repeat.

Trust Is a Must

Where did this lack-of-trust issue come from?

Trusting your mate is essential in a relationship. In fact, I refuse to be in a relationship where trust is an issue because it only leads to bigger issues of jealousy, lack of commitment and insecurities. 

But recently, trust issues have snuck into my relationship without warning, without permission, without warrant. This unwelcome visitor has added tension to my relationship and has introduced doubt. This tension then has a way of resurfacing any time any problem or issue is introduced that looks anything close to our unwelcomed visitor. 

This visitor really made its presence known this weekend when my boyfriend decided he needed to talk to me in that instant; however, the rest of the world had other plans. My boyfriend wanted to talk to me and it seemed as if any and everything possible was prohibiting him from doing so.

It all started when I decided to go to my mom’s house for the weekend. I always have poor reception in her house, so I truly feel like every time I go to my mom’s house, my boyfriend and I end up getting in an argument over the fact that we weren’t able to get a hold of one another. So, that was the first thing. Then, at the particular time that he was calling me, I was asleep; which really isn’t a factor because my phone never rang in the first place (because of the poor reception), but I thought I’d throw that in. Lastly, my phone froze (which I didn’t find out until after I woke up. So when I eventually went to call him, I was unable to dial out and had to restart my phone.

So between sleep, bad reception and computer glitches, the universe seemed to be saying it didn’t want us talking at that particular moment. I went with it, knowing that we would eventually get to talk. My boyfriend didn’t want to go with it; he wanted to talk to me. 

So when he finally was able to get in touch with me, he was mad and frustrated and thought the perfect blend of sleep, reception and glitches was a lie! I must admit, it does seem improbable; however, very true!

So here we are—in an instant, trust issues were introduced. If I would have known that, I might have woken up earlier or put my phone in a part of the house that has better reception. But since I can’t change the past, I will work on kicking out this unwelcome guest!

Longevity

Does love last forever? According to my 100-year-old grandmother, it does.  Her husband passed away 20 years ago, and yet she still had a lifetime with him. A lifetime filled with endless love, an abounding friendship and an assured mindset. Their love was unquestionable, which made it even more amazing. Their love lasted from life until death.

“...until death do us part…”  But to hear my grandmother tell it, their souls have still never parted. She calls him her lover, she kisses his picture everyday, she relives fond moments with him in her mind. She keeps his spirit alive in her heart. They truly have a love that has lasted forever (at least, their version of forever)!

But do those kinds of love still exist? I look around me and people’s actions constantly remind that those loves don’t exist. People’s actions are telling me that you can love and then leave. People’s actions are telling me that love only lasts through the infatuation stage, and once that’s gone, it’s okay to move to the next one. People’s actions tell me that love gives up easily.

But long-lasting loves are also not perfect loves either. If perfect loves existed, they would be boring loves. The challenges, arguments and trials add character to the relationship and many times makes it stronger.  

So long-lasting loves can exist as long as both individuals aren’t expecting perfection, but continue to strive to get close to it. Long-lasting relationships are a balance of reality with fantasy, work with play, and challenges with joyfulness.

It’s funny because I’ve dreamt about my wedding a couple times recently; and each time, the wedding is a perfect disaster. Either my dress is a mess or I have no bridesmaids or I forget to send out invitations—something always happens that makes it horrible.  But the dream always ends with my seeing Lawrence as I walk down the aisle and immediately have a sense of things being okay. The mere sight of my groom-to-be lets me know that things aren’t ever going to be how we planned; but as long as we have each other, we will be able to make it through. 

My dreams tell me that long-lasting loves can exist if you always value and appreciate each other in your lives.

Challenging Times

Love is defined during challenging times. The different textures and layers of love are made more visible when a couple goes through the tough times together. It’s easy to love someone when there’s sunshine and rainbows outside; but when it’s rainy and cloudy, it’s hard enough to love yourself. So when two individuals who love each other can go through turbulent times and make it out the other end, that’s when love is truly made evident. 

The trying times brings out the character of the individuals, and the character of the relationship. The trying times brings out the flaws and the flavors, the attitudes and the adoration, the crazy and the creative. It brings out the best and worst qualities of our characters; therefore, those character traits are forced to work in overdrive to quickly work through the situation. In healthy relationships, this is where the love takes over. It’s in the dirt that beautiful flowers take form. 

The love stretches and twists to provide a covering over the shame, the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the pride.  The love is the only protection a relationship has from the outside forces and challenges. Without a strong love, the relationship is susceptible to destruction. Any weak link or crack is exposed during times of turmoil.

Love is also necessary during challenging times.  Love provides protection, but it also provides refuge. Sometimes love is the only escape from all the negativity brought on you and your relationship. When everything else around you is going wrong, you know that you can take solace in the fact that love will bring you out of the situation. 

Sometimes we baby love—try to shelter it from wear and weather. But love is strong and can endure the strain and stress you put it under. When a couple puts their love to the test, they are often surprised with the outcome—both good and bad.  Because when love is stretched and pull the core is exposed and you are able to see what is really behind the love…

Has your love been defined?...