Friday, December 31, 2010

You're Finally Here...Now What?

Now that he's back, I'm not sure what I want.
You came. I was waiting with opens arms and you finally came. And you came on strong. It’s like you awakened one day and decided you were going to work hard to get all the things you ever wanted in life. And one of the things you wanted was me. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was somewhat caught off guard. You were ready to give me everything I wanted and desired from you, yet now I was the one hesitating. I was slow to move, slow to react. I had been so used to waiting and being in a stationary position that it was hard to put my body, my feelings, my emotions in motion. 

So that’s where I’m at—slow to move. I’m willing myself to move, willing myself to be happy and excited that you want all the same things that I want in life.  But I’m stuck…frozen. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was in shock. I was unable to get out of my “single girl mentality” and think about the possibility of being “someone’s girlfriend.” You finally came, finally expressed all the things that I’ve been waiting to hear, finally were ready to love me the way that I deserve to be loved and now I’m the one pushing away. I’m pushing away the thoughts of living happily ever after with you; I’m pushing away the thoughts of having babies with you and I’m pushing away the thought that this is actually happening to me. I’m suppressing these thoughts because I’m afraid if I think about them too long and hard, I’ll wake up--wake up from this dream I must be having.

So I stop thinking and stop doing…I remain completely still. I’m afraid to get out of my normal single-girl routine. I’m afraid that as soon as I start changing my mindset and acting like a “taken girl,” someone will pinch me and I’ll awake from this blissful affair. 

But I can only stay still for so long. At some point, I need to have faith and believe that this is the real thing. I need to believe that you do truly want me back in your life—for good. I must believe that this is real. I must believe in you—in us—and I must take a risk. You’ve put yourself out there, now it’s time for me to join you. 

You came…you came at a time when my heart was open, my mind was clear, and my emotions were ready….

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Love Found Me

I search for you in my dreams—just waiting for a glimpse of you among the jumble of images, characters and abstract beings:

~My Dream of You~
Love.  What a beautiful thing...and it found me. Love found me when I wasn’t looking. It found me at just the right time. A time when my heart was open, my mind was clear and my emotions were ready. It found me at a time when it knew it would have the biggest impact, make the biggest impressions!

Love was attached to you, this man whom I didn’t know, this man who I’ve never seen before, this man who has only existed in my heart. So when love found me, we found each other. We were reunited with ourselves. A piece of you was dwelling in my heart and a piece of me was dwelling in yours. So when love finally brought us together, my heart literally leapt out of me to be reunited with the piece of me that was with you. Like magnets, our hearts were immediately drawn to each other. We had no say, our minds had no time to react. It was such a natural instinct. If you’re dying of thirst and you see an oasis, the only thing to do is to drink. And so our hearts drank. They drank in the pure essence of love. Ahh…it felt so good—not just good but necessary. We needed each other’s love to survive. We were in survival mode and nothing could prohibit our hearts from reaching its final destination…not fear, not the past, not hurt, nothing could stop our souls from finding its mate.

So when love found me, I didn’t have a choice, and I didn’t want one. When love found me, the only thing to do was embrace it. Our hearts found each other before we’d even said “hello.” So by the time we were introduced, it seemed almost senseless. A mother doesn’t introduce herself to her new baby…no…because that baby has been with her, knows her. They already love each other. And that’s how we felt. We were in love before we even knew it, and it felt right. You felt right. You were everything I’d dreamt you’d be and you hadn’t said one thing about yourself. I just knew you encompassed everything I’d ever wanted in a man because you were mine. My man that was made just for me. My man that was designed to be my helper, my friend, my lover…

So as we walked toward each other and began to interact, it was like I was talking to my best friend. Things you told me, I already knew; things you did, I knew you’d do. We could reach each other’s thoughts because they were our own. We were two hearts separated at birth whose only mission in life was to reunite with our missing part. So as our hearts found each other and drew our bodies closer and closer, we knew we had just accomplished our mission in life.  With each step we took, our love for each other swelled. There was comfort in you, passion in you, shelter in you. I looked at you and knew the rest of my life had an answer. All the questions, the worry, the anxiety, the uncertainty had an answer. You were that answer. You were love and you found me!

I feel like staying asleep forever just so I can be with you… 

Monday, December 27, 2010

Love's All-Encompassing Embrace

My heart is racing.
Faster and faster it beats,
And with every beat, I feel the heat
of your love surrounding me.
Surrounding me,
engulfing me,
grabbing me,
hugging me,
encompassing me…
Til I’m free—
free of the burdens,
the heartaches,
the pain,
the guilt,
the loneliness.
Free of myself,
 the insecurities and the doubt
Wrapped in his love
 ‘til all the hurt comes out
His love—his pure, amazing love
that releases the cares.
His sweet, unassuming love
          That is an answer to prayers.
It covers my heart
          With a coat of joy
Its thick shield of protection
          Blocks the noise.
Completely comfortable
          And saturated in your love.
It coddles and holds me like a glove.
The thought of your love causes my heart to race.
I’m fully entwined in love’s embrace.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Ready with an Open Heart

To be loved. To be loved. Oh, what a feeling to be loved! The feeling of being loved completely is something I’ve never experienced before. Anytime either I or he tried to make it past that door, circumstances stopped us—stopped us hard and fast. 

Love is a human need. I need love. I need to be loved, yet I was always being held back by nature—human nature. Why?  Because human nature told me that I shouldn’t give all of myself. Human nature told me that this couldn’t possibly last forever. Human nature told me that he was too good to be true. Human nature lied to me! Because I believed the lies, I was forced to stay and rest in the same stage; a stage called "complacency." I was forced to love but not fully, love but not completely, love but not all of me. 

I’m over that—I’m ready to love! My heart is open and ready to find yours!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Now I Know What I Want

He's at the center of my thoughts...even in my dreams.
Every time I talk about you I want to be back together with you. Every time I relive our time together, I want to be back together with you. As I’m writing these words, I want to call you and tell you I love you and never stopped loving you. 

I search for you in my dreams—just waiting for a glimpse of you among the jumble of images, characters and abstract beings. In the midst of the haze, you reveal your face. Our love is so strong, so vivid, so real in my dream that I awake thinking, feeling, hoping that you will be lying next to me. I feel like staying asleep forever just so I can be with you. 

I get a taste of your pure, unadulterated love and I immediately succumb to your spell. I’m in—all in. I want you. I want you back and I’m not afraid to say it!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Letting Go of Control

I’m so confused. Am I supposed to be with you? Are we supposed to get back together? Are we supposed to live life together? What am I supposed to do?  Am I supposed to do anything? Should I try to do something? Anything? Take action instead of sit back? Or should I wait on you? I feel like I should wait…wait on you. It’s time for you to take action. Time for you to be a man. Time for you to pursue me. Time for me to sit back. Time for me to be the woman. Time for me to be pursued.

So that’s what I’m going to do… I’m tired of thinking… I’m tired of being confused. I’m tired of wondering what comes next. So I’m going to rest. I’m going to give my mind a rest. I’m going to give my heart a rest. I’m going to give my emotions a rest. I’m going to let you do the rest.

Confusion is in the past. It has defined our past, but I refused to let it define our present…at least not my present. That was the beauty of changing our future to my future—there wouldn’t be anymore confusion. So confusion is in the past.  And it doesn’t matter what is supposed to happen. I won’t have to try to do anything. Wait. Wait for you to do your part. While I’m waiting, I need to see if there are other men out there for me. Because there will come a time when I’ll be tired of waiting. And I’ll want to see if you really do stand above the rest. 

You hold our future in your hand, but my hand is outstretched waiting for you to come and take it!