Monday, September 26, 2011

Hands-Off Helping

Sometimes I feel like a mom rather than a girlfriend.
Image by Yoshi Aka
I have a strong desire to help you, a strong desire to do things for you.  I want to solve the problem, find the solution, answer the question.  I want to do all the thinking so you don’t have to. 

But I can’t.  I can’t do that.  I am able to do that, but I shouldn’t.  I need to enable you to resolve your own dilemmas, not enable you to not have to face them. 

I want to help but I can’t.  I can’t be your mom.  You don’t want me to be, and I don’t want me to be.  But sometimes I find myself playing the “mom” role because I don’t trust you to do it yourself.  I know you have good intentions, but sometimes your intentions don’t translate to reality.  I just want to be there to ensure the translation is correct.

But I can’t do that anymore.  For the good of our relationship, I need to start being more hands off.  I need to start taking a back seat and letting you steer the car.  That’s the only way I’m going to start having confidence in you and you are going to have confidence in yourself. 

So I will stop “helping” (if that’s what we should even consider it).  I will stop treating you like a child.  I will stop holding your hand.  I will just stop. 

I have a strong desire to help you, but I have an even stronger desire for you to help yourself.  You are a very smart, competent man.  I need to start allowing you to be…

Which begs the question, why do I feel the need to play the “mom” role?  Do I like playing that role in relationships? Do I get some type of satisfaction by playing that role—Maybe in some weird way, I like to feel needed and in control?

Either way, I can’t put that on you.  I need to find someone else to place my maternal instincts on, because I don’t think any man likes to be told what to do for long…


  1. I know that feeling where you feel like you have to make all the things right for the other person and show them the right way. And I gave into that feeling only to drive the relationship off the road. But I could not stand not being able to do anything. Good read!

  2. Yeah, it's like you feel helpless in the situation. But sometimes that's the best thing.

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