Drifting Away

Photo by Rick Sampson

I feel myself pulling away from you. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure when, but I definitely am.  I don’t feel as close to you.  The love is still there, but the emotion is not. 

I have this strong sense right now that I need to focus on me.  I need to be all about me.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have you around or that I don’t want you around, but I can’t continue to focus solely on you.  I have to start living for me.

I’m so exhausted and worn out with my life—I need to start doing things that make me happy, that bring life back into my life.  And right now, you are dragging me down.  I’m so concerned with your issues and your problems, that it’s consuming me and my disposition.  I feel as though I have your same issues and that’s not the case.  At least, I can’t let it be the case. 

My emotions have no time to be carrying the burdens of two people.  I have enough happening in my own life that I need to start paying attention to.  We can’t keep having two people focused on you and no one focused on me.  That’s not fair. 

I need to get my life back to a level of fairness…I need balance.  I need to be happy. 

Being without you does not make me happy, so that’s not what I want.  But I’m not sure how to get happiness in my life when I’m focused on you.   

So I’m going to need to be selfish for a while as I focus on the things that I enjoy.  I’m going to start saying “no” to people and start doing what I want to do to bring me joy. 

I need to pull away from you a bit and start pulling in more of myself.

Does Absence Really Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Although we're together, sometimes I feel so alone.

It is a foreign and unwelcome feeling to be separated from the one you love.  Not separated in terms of emotion and circumstance, but separated in terms of proximity. Emotionally our relationship is strong, but our feelings and emotions are forced to overcompensate for what may be lacking physically. 

My boyfriend and I are forced to express our love through words, expressions and anecdotes—essentially we are limited by our vocabulary. The way in which I express the depth of my love is limited to the depth of creativity I have with my language. There are only so many ways to say “I love you,” and I feel like we’ve exhausted them all. 

There are certain ways to communicate love that can only be done when you’re near the one you love. The way he looks into my eyes tells me he loves me. The way he has to hold my hand or touch my knee if we are sitting next to each other tells me he loves me. The unpredictable moments he decides to give me a foot rub tells me he loves me. So many little things he does when we are near each other tells me he loves me. In fact, because he is constantly communicating love non-verbally to me when we are near each other, by the time he actually says the words, it’s almost unnecessary. 

However, the reality is that we aren’t near each other most of the time, and we aren’t able to express our love fully to each other. In fact, since we are forced to express our love through one avenue, the meaning and feelings behind the expression gets lost. “I love you” transforms to a very shallow statement when it’s being said so many times in a day. There’s only so many “very much” and “so much” statements that you can put on the end of “I love you” before that starts to get old as well. 

The heart yearns for love and it gives and receives love through touch, sight and sound. Currently, the heart is using sound to communicate 100% of its love and that feels insufficient, incomplete. The heart is anticipating the stutter that occurs when the object of its affection grazes the skin. The heart is anticipating the quickened pace that occurs when the loved one uses the eyes to see the soul. The heart is anticipating being closer to the source of its desire, so it can fully express its adoration and devotion… 

Currently, my boyfriend and I are separated…but the heart will only wait patiently for so long before it influences the mind and body to close the distance between he and I.

…separation deadens the depth of love.