I try to act like I’m sane, like I don’t do and say irrational things; but the truth of the matter is, I do! I could be fine one minute and as soon as my boyfriend says something to “set me off,” I’m not fine anymore. In fact, I’m the opposite of fine. I get irritated, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. My eyes involuntarily begin to roll, my heart beat begins to quicken and my mind starts to race. It races to see how quickly it can come up with a reason why whatever he is saying or doing is stupid, crazy, pointless, or insensitive. The mind races toward a finish line of being “right,” but once I get there, I realized I haven’t really won anything.
So then once I’ve realized that this “competition” (that I was in by myself) was pointless and dissatisfying, I immediately begin the race toward undoing what I’ve just said so things can be pleasant again. There is no point in being “right” when everyone else is left. There should be comfort in “right,” confidence in “right,” faith in “right.” But when my boyfriend and I are in a disagreement and I’m “right,” I don’t always feel comfortable. I’m usually uncomfortable because the right and wrong that we were debating was minor and I end up looking crazy because I debate it as if it were major.
This crazy person (me) ends up being in this crazy cycle of ups and downs because I’m constantly trying to enhance the mellow and suppress the “extra.”
I need to either let the mellow ride or let the extra do its thing. But this constant cycle is getting tiring for my boyfriend and me.
So I’m going to try the former—I going to try to mellow out a bit….
We will see how long that lasts…