Monday, February 28, 2011

Higher and Higher...Closer to Our Dream

Reaching new levels in relationships—progressing from love to partnership.  

As relationships progress to the next level and elevate in richness and quality, there has to be more than just love. There has to be more than the “baby I love yous” and “baby I miss yous.” There must be something deeper, because the intense “in-love” stage is fleeting and what you’re left with is work. After the first year of a relationship, the desire to call every five minutes and the adoration for his “quirky” qualities wear off, and you are left with a man who is starting to annoy you.  You still love him, but the infatuation has diminished. That is why it is so important to not just have a lover, but have a partner. Have a mate that is also your friend, also your consultant, also your helper; because if you have those things, when the “in-love” stage fades, you can progress to the “in respect” and “in appreciation” stages.

This progression is what my boyfriend and I are attempting to transition to now. He and I are using each other as advisors to our career paths, consultants to our life’s problems, and guides to our personal journeys. Our desire is to be involved in every aspect of each other’s lives—fully integrated in order to know each other completely. 

This integration is not always easy; it takes work sometimes. The process of involving someone else in your business, seeking their advice for your issues, planning events around them is not always natural or instinctive; therefore, it takes work. But the work is highly gratifying. It’s gratifying when you are struggling with a tough issue in your life and are too proud to talk about it with someone in fear of judgment; but when you do finally solicit the help of your boyfriend, he is super understanding and helps you work through the issue. 

The way your mate responds to situations can also enhance your love for them. So, in a way, as I’m transitioning from lover to partner with my boyfriend, our partnership may be just a fuller, more encompassing level of love and adoration. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Painful Tease

Angry—I’m trying to make myself angry, because it hurts too much to be sad.  I’m forcing myself to get mad at something, anything in a feeble attempt to redirect my pain. But the reality is I’m sad. I’m sad because he had to leave yesterday. My long-distance boyfriend had finished his visit and had to return back to his home—it was agonizing. Agonizing because he stayed just long enough for me to get of taste of what it would be like if we were to live together in the same city. He stayed just long enough for me to get used to his scent in the house. He stayed just long enough for me to roll over in bed and expect to feel him next to me. He stayed just long enough for me to feel as if a piece of me left when he got on that plane…

And that’s exactly how I felt—a piece of me felt gone, separated from its source. As I dropped him off at the airport and began to drive away, with each revolution of the wheel, I felt my heart getting tighter and tighter. Hoping that this experience will be like a band-aid that you must rip off quickly, I revved the gas and accelerated the car forward. I had to try anything I could to ease the pain, to make it wear off quickly. It didn’t work. The silence in the car made me painfully aware of the fact that I was alone in my two-passenger car. I got home and walked in the door and my whole house was a breeding ground of boyfriend artifacts and mementos. The disheveled sheets on the bed reminded me he was just lying there a few hours before. The dirty plates in the sink, the empty bottles of water, the position of the toilet seat all pointed out what I’ve been trying so hard to ignore—he was not there anymore.

Walking into that reality was painfully sad, so I looked for another emotion. Joy is sweet, but it also just accentuates the sadness. Indifference is calming but, it stifles all other emotions. Anger is all I had. I had nothing to be angry about, but it was the only emotion that allowed me to feel a heightened emotional state, while at the same time totally masking the sadness. 

So I’m angry. I’m angry he left me. I’m angry we have to live apart. I’m angry that this is my life.   

I’m angry because it hurts too much to be sad…

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Match Made In Heaven...Despite The Circumstances

I’m so in love! I feel so content, so settled, so happy! 

My boyfriend is in town and it is wonderful—wonderful because we are able to express our love through actions and gestures. As I’ve mentioned before, because we are in a long-distance relationship, we sometimes feel like our love is limited, stifled. But the moment he got in town, the door of our love was opened. We were free to explore the depths of our love. We were free to delve into the crevices of our desire. 

What we found in our exploration was adoration and respect in addition to the love. We found that we not just love each other, but we complement each other.  We fix the flaws of the other. We mend the mistakes of one another. But we also enjoy many of the same things, so watching TV, going to the grocery store and picking a restaurant aren’t issues. 

Our time together has truly affirmed our affection for our each. When he and I are able to spend significant time together, there is no doubt in either our minds that we are meant to be together…

However, when we are able to spend time together, it also highlights the fact that our time together will not last. So when he visits it’s a bit bittersweet because the happier we are spending time together, the sadder we will be when we have to separate. As a result, we play this game with ourselves where we try not to think about the day he is leaving until that actual moment approaches. Until the time comes for him to get on the plane, we force ourselves to ignore the fact that this current situation is not our reality. This current situation where we wake up together and hang out all day, make meals together, watch our favorite TV shows together, visit friends together is not our reality. It’s a temporary fix to our circumstances. Our circumstances say that we live apart and since we live apart our relationship will not be as meaningful, as deep or as visceral. But we know in our souls that is not the case, so we do things (i.e. visit each other once a month) to override our circumstance.    

The feeling that we have for each other when we are together is undeniable, it’s a feeling of bliss! We must change our circumstance, so can enjoy this feeling indefinitely…

Friday, February 18, 2011

Does Absence Really Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Although we're together, sometimes I feel so alone.
It is a foreign and unwelcome feeling to be separated from the one you love.  Not separated in terms of emotion and circumstance, but separated in terms of proximity. Emotionally our relationship is strong, but our feelings and emotions are forced to overcompensate for what may be lacking physically. 

My boyfriend and I are forced to express our love through words, expressions and anecdotes—essentially we are limited by our vocabulary. The way in which I express the depth of my love is limited to the depth of creativity I have with my language. There are only so many ways to say “I love you,” and I feel like we’ve exhausted them all. 

There are certain ways to communicate love that can only be done when you’re near the one you love. The way he looks into my eyes tells me he loves me. The way he has to hold my hand or touch my knee if we are sitting next to each other tells me he loves me. The unpredictable moments he decides to give me a foot rub tells me he loves me. So many little things he does when we are near each other tells me he loves me. In fact, because he is constantly communicating love non-verbally to me when we are near each other, by the time he actually says the words, it’s almost unnecessary. 

However, the reality is that we aren’t near each other most of the time, and we aren’t able to express our love fully to each other. In fact, since we are forced to express our love through one avenue, the meaning and feelings behind the expression gets lost. “I love you” transforms to a very shallow statement when it’s being said so many times in a day. There’s only so many “very much” and “so much” statements that you can put on the end of “I love you” before that starts to get old as well. 

The heart yearns for love and it gives and receives love through touch, sight and sound. Currently, the heart is using sound to communicate 100% of its love and that feels insufficient, incomplete. The heart is anticipating the stutter that occurs when the object of its affection grazes the skin. The heart is anticipating the quickened pace that occurs when the loved one uses the eyes to see the soul. The heart is anticipating being closer to the source of its desire, so it can fully express its adoration and devotion… 

Currently, my boyfriend and I are separated…but the heart will only wait patiently for so long before it influences the mind and body to close the distance between he and I.

…separation deadens the depth of love. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Love Letter to My Future Husband

I thought on this day it would be fitting to share my love letter to my future husband…

…my daydream of us …

I’m in the midst of peace and serenity and all I can think about is you. Life is perfect—beauty all around—but I still want you. I want to spend this perfect moment with you. The wind kisses my skin and I wish it were you. I breathe in the night air—pure and sweet—and I dream of your naturally exotic scent; a scent that only I can smell. A scent that is released when you are around the one you love. A scent that was made for me that perfectly complements my scent and together makes a perfect blend of the sweetest berries mixed with the richest vanilla and a touch of the purest chocolate. A scent that’s sweet enough to eat; which is all we want to do. We can’t keep our hands off each other—or should I say our tongues off each other.

Our passion is honest—honesty in its most innocent form. A passion that doesn’t apologize, a passion that doesn’t pretend, a passion that knows no restraint. A passion that is limitless!

In this most serene moment, I’m thinking about you because I know you are thinking about me. It’s in the solitude that God allows our souls to touch. In that purest moment, the feeling that you are thinking of me in that exact moment is visceral.

I stare into the night sky seeking your face. Praying God will give me a glimpse of you, somehow he will outline your beautiful face in the constellations.  With the twinkle of every star, I picture you winking at me.  As if there is a secret that only you and I know—this ultimate secret that allows us to be in each other’s presence without uncovering each other’s identity.

I love you whom I’ve never met. I’m in love with who I know you will be. I hear the waves crashing on the shore and I listen for your voice. I listen for you to tell me you love me too. I faintly hear you tell me you’ve always loved me, you always will love me and for me to never doubt your love for me. With each wave, your love for me is confirmed. I whisper under my breath, “I love you too!”

I’m in the midst of peace and serenity and nature reminds me that you are with me. The wind is your touch, the foliage is your scent, the stars are your face, and the waves are your voice. You share every moment with me—all moments are perfect because they are moments with you. All moments are blissful because you’ve expelled the pain. All moments are passionate because you exude love.

Tears form in my eyes as I think about your love for me. A knot forms in my throat thinking about what you’ve already done for me. You’ve given me hope that my endless love does exist.

…two hearts that beat as one…our lives have just begun...

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Law of Attraction

It always fascinates me when I see a couple together who, on the outside don’t look like they would have anything in common, but clearly look like they are in love. Some factor attracted these two people to each other. Some force of nature that is unidentifiable drew this man and this woman together—it’s unexplainable (I’m sure they can’t even explain it), but the fact is that they are happy. 

What draws my boyfriend and I together is also sometimes a mystery. Whatever it is, it is not a singular factor. It is a myriad of factors that come together to form the attraction. Those factors usually act together as a unit to enable the attraction to either swell or diminish. However, even though they act as one force, each person seems to have two or three factors within that force that are a bit more important, a bit more influential that all the other factors.  

Sometimes those qualities in “leadership” are obvious to identify and sometimes they take a moment to clearly recognize, but I believe I’ve finally identified the things that really attract me to a man and to my boyfriend, in particular.

Spontaneity, leadership and organization are all super attractive to me. A man who is willing to take control of the relationship, manages his personal business well and is able plan events and outings without involving me is my ultimate guy.  I can’t tell you how attractive it was when I visited my boyfriend the last time (remember we are in a long-distance relationship) and instead of me getting off the plane and taking the train to meet him (which was our originalplan), he actually took the train to the airport himself and met me there, already bought me a train ticket for us to ride back and had a blanket with him for the train because it sometimes gets cold! When I realized he had done all of that, I felt so special and appreciated.

However, at the same time, when he doesn’t display those qualities, my attraction for him immediately lowers a bit because it makes me feel like he is taking me and our relationship for granted. Those qualities that people deem most important in determining attraction are very discriminating—they don’t allow much room for error.

I guess now that I understand what truly attracts me to men, I should probably communicate that to the man in my life…