Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Everything's Back in Focus

I feel different today—I feel differently about my boyfriend.  I feel like my love for him has finally graduated to the next level.  I can’t explain it, but something is definitely different. 
I have a renewed focus on our relationship and want to do things to make him happy.  I have more security in our relationship and feel excited about where we are going.

But it can’t all be roses and sunshine—there has to be a catch.  Every time I start to get comfortable in a relationship, something happens to tell me, don’t get too comfortable, don’t let your guard down, don’t lose yourself.  So I’m waiting for that “something” to happen.  I’m waiting for the ball to drop, the bomb to go off, the mystery to be revealed. 

But by waiting for something bad to happen, will I inadvertently create something bad?  Will I be looking so hard for that “something” to appear that it magically yet irrevocably shows its face? 

I want this happy moment to last, I do. And I will do what I need to do in order to make it stay.  However, what I’m realizing is that I’m usually the issue, the “something.”  It’s me that usually sabotages our happiness.  So I need to save our relationship from me.

I need to not drop the ball.  I need to not set off the bomb.  I need to not uncover a mystery.  It’s on me…I’m my own worst enemy.

So with that in mind, I’m going to do my best to get out of my own way.  I’m done sabotaging my relationship.  I love this feeling I have now toward my relationship and I want to make it stay.

They say “awareness” is the first step to recovery, so I’m on my way to be a recovered “relationship sabotager”!  I wish there was a meeting for us, cause I’m not sure I can sustain this on my own forever!  : /

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