Friday, May 27, 2011

One step forward, two steps back…

I know relationship weren’t meant to be perfect but it seems to me that during this time that my boyfriend and I are on this “journey to understanding our relationship,” we would make a conscious effort to do things better than we’ve done before.  The purpose of this journey is to understand the significance of our relationship and what sacrifices we should make in order to strengthen the relationship.  However, if we are angry or frustrated with each other during this journey then it clouds the clarity that we are trying to achieve. 

If we are upset with each other while we are going down this path, then those negative emotions could lead us down a path that we weren’t designed to go. 

But when my boyfriend does insensitive things (consciously or unconsciously), then I have no choice but to be upset and frustrated.   When my boyfriend schedules a time for us to talk over the phone and then misses that time by an hour because he was playing video games, how else am I supposed to feel besides annoyed and angry?

I’m trying to suppress those negative emotions but he’s making it so hard!  Normally, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems to me that he’s not trying at all.

Or I could be being dramatic and that was just one night, one missed phone call, and one part of the journey.   Maybe, by definition, the journey must have this forward and backward movement. I guess if everything was perfect during this journey, that could also lead us down a wrong path as well….

Maybe what this “journey” we are going down is teaching us about is the journey of life and marriage with each other.  Maybe there must be ups and downs in this journey, and times of angry and frustration in this journey, because that’s realistic to life.  Maybe I’m supposed to be learning how to learn from them and move on from them.

…one step forward, two steps back….ALL part of the journey!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Spiritual Journey: Day 3

It's Day 3 of our journey and we are already starting to feel closer and more in-tune with each other.  Just the fact that we both know that the other person is striving to make our relationship stronger and richer, is making our love more intense. 

We enjoy talking to each other even more because we are excited to hear what the other person has been learning in terms of the next phase of our relationship. 

This morning we were on the phone and I asked him how he was feeling about our relationship. He said two things: 1) I feel like I want to be near you every day, 2) I feel like I want to buy you are ring.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he wants to buy me a ring! Now, don’t get too excited, I don’t know when this ring would come or how it’s going to come. But just the fact that he is preparing for that is exciting!

So we both know we want to be with each other, and we both know we want that sooner rather than later. But we are still trying to figure out the how. How are we going to be together? How are we going to quit our jobs to live near each other? How are we going to sacrifice our current lifestyles?

But the biggest “how” is How could I ever live my life without him in it? That “how” only has one answer, I can’t.  I can’t live my life without him, so whatever sacrifices he or I need to make in order for that to happen, will need to be made. 

It's Day 3 of our journey and I already feel good about where we are. I still have a ton of questions, but I can take comfort in the fact that no matter the answer, I know he is somewhere in it…

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Next Phase: Embarking on a Spiritual Journey

Our journey toward building and understanding the significance of our relationship…

Today marks the first day of our journey toward my boyfriend and I really understanding and confirming the role we play in each others’ lives. We believe we play a significant, lasting role; however, we want to be sure of that significance and that duration. Therefore, we are embarking on a spiritual journey toward finding those answers.

The desire to go down this path was sparked by the need for us to figure out where our relationship is going long term. We know we love each other, but we also know we live in different cities. We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we also know we don’t have the financial means to do that at this time. We know that we want to spend every day together, but we also know we would have to sacrifice in order to make that happen. 

Before we start to sacrifice our jobs, friends, living situations, etc., we first thought it would be nice for us to get spiritual counseling. We don’t want to make decisions about the rest of our lives by ourselves. We want guidance, so we are turning to God in order to get that guidance. 

I’m excited to see what we will learn over the next few days, weeks and months of our journey. I’m also eager to see how our relationship will grow and strengthen during this time.   

As we go through this journey, I want to take you, the reader, along. I want you to learn what I’m learning, feel what I’m feeling, and understand what I’m understanding. You all will be our accountability partners and supporters as we really uncover what role our relationship plays and when that role will be realized.

Thanks for coming along with us…!

Friday, May 20, 2011


We are lost in our relationship. We are swimming, swarming, swirling—trying to make sense of our relationship. Every time we feel as if we have a strong foothold, a balanced sense of gravity; something comes and knocks us off balance.

And that “something” (whatever it may be) always comes at inconvenient moments. That “something” comes when we least expect it, when things are going well, when we are on cloud nine. That “something” has a way of detecting joy and conveniently inserting itself in the weakest areas of our relationship.

That “something” for us is plane tickets and travel. It is essential to our long-distance relationship that we see each other at least once a month. If we go even a week beyond that, we start feeling it in our relationship. We start getting frustrated more easily and start getting snippier with each other. Well, this month when we went to buy our plane tickets, they were very expensive. And not regular-level expensive, but $600 expensive!

That expense was the “something” that broke the camels’ back. That “something” found its way into the weak parts of our relationship—money and distance.

From there, we were knocked to the ground, scrambling to get up. But we didn’t know which way was up.  We became frustrated with each other but we were really frustrated with the circumstances. We wanted to blame the world, but could only blame ourselves. 

So in an instance cloud nine became rock bottom. Walking on sunshine became living in the trenches. It wasn’t necessarily about the plane tickets, the tickets were just the catalyst. What we were really frustrated with was the fact that we are still living far apart from each other after, that neither one of us is willing to sacrifice our lives in our respective cities, and that neither one of us has the means to quit our jobs and move anywhere. 

So we are trying to find our footing again. Trying to make sense of our relationship, but it’s only a matter of time before “something” comes and knocks us back down…

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Answer I've Been Looking For

I love you. But you make me so mad sometimes! I love you, but you get on my nerves sometimes. You annoy me sometimes. You frustrate me sometimes. You upset me sometimes. BUT, I love you. 

Sometimes I think you could measure love by how much the other person frustrates you. I say that because if they frustrate you and you still want to be around them, that must demand a high level of love. 

My boyfriend upsets me, but he also understands me. My boyfriend frustrates me, but he also frees me. My boyfriend annoys me, but he also answers me. He answers my question. My question of what man will love me the way I deserve to be loved. The question of who is the man for me. The question of who will I spend the rest of my life with. He answers all those questions—he is the answer.

But sometimes the answer isn’t always understood. Meaning, other people don’t always understand that he is the one for me. And, frankly, I’m not sure why. But I’m also not sure why or if I should care. I guess I just want my answer to be everyone’s answer. I want everyone around us to know that he is the absolute right one for me. I don’t want to have to defend my answer. 

Defending my answer makes me second guess my answer. It’s like when someone asks you something, you can give a definitive answer until they start asking you all the follow-up questions and the "whys." Then you start second guessing yourself, and back tracking, and justifying.  I don’t want to do those things when it comes to my relationship. 

Therefore, through the frustration and through the hard times, I love him. He is my best friend, my supporter, my comedian, my partner—my answer.