Monday, April 4, 2011

Battling the Various Sides of Self

Sometimes my mood dictates my love for you. Depending on the type of mood I’m in, I will either be really affectionate or really distant; not on purpose ,but nevertheless it happens. I can tell when it’s happening too, but I feel as if I can’t control it. It’s like a different person is ruling my mood, my emotions, my attitude. A different, meaner person is telling my mind how to act and react. 

This person I almost don’t recognize; it’s not me. At least, I don’t want to believe it’s me. I want to believe the real me is always sweet, always patient, always affectionate. But that’s really not accurate or realistic. It’s not realistic to think that I will ALWAYS be a nice person to be around, right? Well, I’m just going to tell myself that in a feeble attempt to justify my ill-mannered behavior. 

Because whatever I end up telling myself, the action is the same. I act like a crazy person sometimes and I don’t know how to manage the crazy! When I get in this “certain mood,” I feel like I turn asexual. Any thing or being with a pee pee is annoying. It’s like my estrogen is the positive end of the magnet and his testosterone is the negative end—when they get close to each other, they repel each other. They can’t even get near each other, let alone touch. 

I wish I could really use that as an excuse: “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to be around you…I can’t be around you!”

Unfortunately, he will not use that as an excuse…in fact, he has absolutely no tolerance or patient for that behavior. And who would blame him? If he had an on/off switch for love, I would have zero tolerance for that as well. 

The sweet me wants to scream out to him, “Wait, I’m sorry…don’t get mad!” But the mean me is strong and doesn’t let Little Sweetie Pie come through. I’m at war with myself…Sweet vs. Mean. I’m afraid to see who will win this war!

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