Patiently Waiting

My boyfriend and I are playing the waiting game. We are waiting for something to happen, waiting to make a move, waiting for a sign. 

We are waiting for someone or something to let us know that it is okay for us to uproot our lives to be together. We have the love, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. 

Love is enough to make us travel 500 miles every month to see each other. Love is enough to meet each other’s families and friends. Love is enough to make future plans together. But love isn’t enough to make us confident that taking the first step toward those future plans is a good idea. We want it to be a good idea. We want to live our lives together. We want to live in the same city, but we also want to be sure that it’s the right thing to do.

One would think love would be enough. My heart wants to believe that it is, but my mind is skeptical. My mind is skeptical because it looks around and sees a lot of people who were once “in love” and are now “in court.” Apparently, love has an expiration date on it and I just want to make sure ours doesn’t spoil.   

So that’s why we are waiting. We don’t want to prematurely make a decision that we can’t take back. We want to make sure it’s right without it necessarily being “perfect.” Because no situation will ever be perfect, there will always be reasons why it won’t be a good time for either one of us to move. However, there will be a “right” time. 

There will be a time when it will feel right for us to stop waiting and start moving; but until that time comes…

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…

Battling the Various Sides of Self

Sometimes my mood dictates my love for you. Depending on the type of mood I’m in, I will either be really affectionate or really distant; not on purpose ,but nevertheless it happens. I can tell when it’s happening too, but I feel as if I can’t control it. It’s like a different person is ruling my mood, my emotions, my attitude. A different, meaner person is telling my mind how to act and react. 

This person I almost don’t recognize; it’s not me. At least, I don’t want to believe it’s me. I want to believe the real me is always sweet, always patient, always affectionate. But that’s really not accurate or realistic. It’s not realistic to think that I will ALWAYS be a nice person to be around, right? Well, I’m just going to tell myself that in a feeble attempt to justify my ill-mannered behavior. 

Because whatever I end up telling myself, the action is the same. I act like a crazy person sometimes and I don’t know how to manage the crazy! When I get in this “certain mood,” I feel like I turn asexual. Any thing or being with a pee pee is annoying. It’s like my estrogen is the positive end of the magnet and his testosterone is the negative end—when they get close to each other, they repel each other. They can’t even get near each other, let alone touch. 

I wish I could really use that as an excuse: “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to be around you…I can’t be around you!”

Unfortunately, he will not use that as an excuse…in fact, he has absolutely no tolerance or patient for that behavior. And who would blame him? If he had an on/off switch for love, I would have zero tolerance for that as well. 

The sweet me wants to scream out to him, “Wait, I’m sorry…don’t get mad!” But the mean me is strong and doesn’t let Little Sweetie Pie come through. I’m at war with myself…Sweet vs. Mean. I’m afraid to see who will win this war!

No Use in Hiding...

He holds the key to my heart...will he open it?

He’s seen the “real” me. He knows me. He knows when I’m upset. He knows when I want attention. He knows when I don’t feel loved. But we are broken up now.  So he is the villain, the enemy. So now the enemy knows my secrets—knows how to decode my message; unlock my combination.  

There is no hiding from him, but that is the person I want to hide from the most.  I don’t want him to know I still think about him. I don’t want him to know I still dream of him. I don’t want him to know I still care! So in an attempt to hide these feelings from him, I put even more of a shield up with him. Hell, it’s like a barricade. But the barricade is for him and me. I don’t want him knowing I still have feelings for him, but I also don’t want myself acknowledging I still have feelings for him. I am in denial—trying to fool everyone (myself included) that the curtains are closed on he and I. But the truth is…there may be a second act…

Breaking the Shield

As I travel down this road toward being the real, authentic “me” in relationships, I find myself hitting roadblocks of uncertainty. I’m not used to being open—opening myself up and, being open minded. I’m used to putting up a shield, hiding myself—shutting myself off so he doesn’t know my true feelings and emotions. 

In fact, the sure-fire way to tell if I am interested in a guy is to observe my physical proximity to him and my interactions with him. If I’m really talking it up with him and I’m seemingly flirting with him and gracefully touching his arm, that means I have no interest in him. That’s right—none! I’m comfortable with him, (which comes across as flirtatious) because I’m not scared that he will reject me (because I’ve already rejected him). On the other hand, if I’m being really distant with a guy and going out of my way not to talk to him and I seem a bit uncomfortable, that means that I’m interested in that guy and see potential in him. I know, it’s backwards, but it’s just how I’ve trained myself to operate. If I’m distant, then there’s no way he can reject me. The only bad side is that there’s also no way that he can accept me. So I’m my own worse enemy. 

There’s only a few people who have broken through the shield and have seen the real Brooke—those are the people I’m not just interested in, but whom I crush on hard…those are the people who give me a reason to expose myself….

Is There an "I" in "We"?

What does it mean to be in a relationship? Does it mean you are supposed to deny your own personal wants and desire to satisfy the desires of “us”? Or better yet, does it mean that you must give up all of yourself to demonstrate how much you are willing to put into the relationship? The selfish person in me believes that neither has to be true. And I only describe myself as selfish because that is the label that others (mainly the guy) put on me when I want to do things for ME. But I believe that neither has to be true, because I truly think that any strong, healthy relationship has an element of individuality in it. One must know who they truly are as a person in order to give any of the themselves over to another person. But how can a person really, really know what they want and what they need when their wants and desires are contingent upon another person’s wants and desires?

My answer is: you can’t! So what does it mean to be in a relationship? Well, to be in a relationship with me, means that we both still have our own lives and friends. We both still have our own hobbies and our own taste in music. We both still spend time alone with ourselves and deliberately factor in time away from each other. Most importantly, we both understand that we don’t need each other, but we both really want each other in our lives. But…since I am single, this is all hypothetical, so let’s see what I’m saying once I’m in a relationship again! ;)

I'm Single and Happy (Yes, It's Possible)

Why are women afraid to be alone? Why does “single” have a negative connation? I tell my acquaintances that I’m single and they immediately start giving me a pity party: “You’ll meet someone,” “It was when I wasn't looking for anyone when I found my future husband,” “You’re young, you still have time”!  The thing is that I actually believe those statements are true, but it’s the context in which they are presented to me that I begin to doubt the validity of the words.   

For once, I want to tell someone that I’m single and for them to give me a high five! "You go girl…I wish I were single"!  Because that’s the truth too.  So many women are in relationships and are bored, tired, frustrated and horny. Women are in these stale relationships just because they don’t want to be alone. No thank you. I would MUCH rather be “alone” by myself than “alone” with someone!

Why I Want a Man...But Don't Need One

It’s funny because even though I am “at peace” with myself, I still desire love and affection from a man. Even though I have so much more free time and can do what I want to do, I still would enjoy the company of some testosterone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have a good time with myself, but there’s only so much enjoyment I can have before I start to get bored! 

Now Ladies, don’t misunderstand…I want a man; I don’t need a man. There is a significant different between the two and that difference is survival. If I have to have something in order to live—that’s a need. Food, air, water—those things are critical to my survival. A penis is not! In the past, I’ve been guilty of saying “I need a man.” But the things is, I can feed myself, I can clothe myself and I can wipe my own behind—so I can actually survive without a man. 

Ok…so now that I’ve fully convinced you and me that I don’t need a man, I can tell you why I want one! It’s simple: I just want someone who can enjoy life’s spontaneous moments with me. Let me explain. With friends, a lot of times you have to plan things. You have to plan to meet up for dinner, plan to do something next weekend, plan to go to the gym together. With a boyfriend, there is not as much “planning” and more “going.” Let’s go to that new restaurant down the street tonight, let’s go to the movies, let’s go get some ice cream. When I’m single, I can also, just “go,” but then I’m going alone. Oh…the irony…I have the flexibility to do what I want, when I want—but I don’t want to go by myself….

I Am the Shit

Today I woke up—or should I say I remembered?  I remembered who I was—remembered the beauty I possess. Remembered that my beauty was not defined by a man, not defined by my friends and not defined by society. My beauty is defined by me. Today, I say “I am beautiful.” (Thanks, Christina Aguilera!). Every once in a while, you need a day where you wake up and say “I am the shit.”—this is one of those days. 

The reality is females are gradually losing a sense of the beauty that makes a woman, a woman. A woman is intelligent, intuitive, observant, wise, nurturing, strong and powerful.  That’s the beauty of being a woman—we have power! So, today, I’m totally embracing my beauty and my power—will you join me? “By our powers combined….”