A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 

You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

Battling the Various Sides of Self

Sometimes my mood dictates my love for you. Depending on the type of mood I’m in, I will either be really affectionate or really distant; not on purpose ,but nevertheless it happens. I can tell when it’s happening too, but I feel as if I can’t control it. It’s like a different person is ruling my mood, my emotions, my attitude. A different, meaner person is telling my mind how to act and react. 

This person I almost don’t recognize; it’s not me. At least, I don’t want to believe it’s me. I want to believe the real me is always sweet, always patient, always affectionate. But that’s really not accurate or realistic. It’s not realistic to think that I will ALWAYS be a nice person to be around, right? Well, I’m just going to tell myself that in a feeble attempt to justify my ill-mannered behavior. 

Because whatever I end up telling myself, the action is the same. I act like a crazy person sometimes and I don’t know how to manage the crazy! When I get in this “certain mood,” I feel like I turn asexual. Any thing or being with a pee pee is annoying. It’s like my estrogen is the positive end of the magnet and his testosterone is the negative end—when they get close to each other, they repel each other. They can’t even get near each other, let alone touch. 

I wish I could really use that as an excuse: “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to be around you…I can’t be around you!”

Unfortunately, he will not use that as an excuse…in fact, he has absolutely no tolerance or patient for that behavior. And who would blame him? If he had an on/off switch for love, I would have zero tolerance for that as well. 

The sweet me wants to scream out to him, “Wait, I’m sorry…don’t get mad!” But the mean me is strong and doesn’t let Little Sweetie Pie come through. I’m at war with myself…Sweet vs. Mean. I’m afraid to see who will win this war!

Putting the Spark Back Into Your Relationship

What’s the key to keeping the spark in a relationship? When the honeymoon phase is over, how do you ensure the passion remains?

When relationships transform from leisure into work, a shift occurs within the dynamics of the couple’s interactions where they start to become complacent and bored. They are not turned on as easily as before—they fall into the “danger zone” called status quo.

When you are in the “danger zone,” the way your man touches you or tries to tickle you, is annoying instead of cute. When you’re in the “danger zone,” the random, erratic way your man breathes when he sleeps is irritating instead of endearing. When you are in the “danger zone,” the cute little things you used to do to get your man’s attention just seem like overkill now.

The “danger zone” is ridden with eroding relationships, dissatisfied couples and jaded individuals. The “danger zone” is a place of forced acceptance of your reality.

When I come in contact with couples in the dreaded zone, I am saddened. I am saddened because here are two individuals who were once in love, but have let life get in the way of like. They have fallen into the trap of thinking lack of affection, lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of spontaneity and lack of intimacy are just the natural evolutions of relationships. But, really, those things are present in a relationship that has been taken for granted. When couples begin to assume the other will always be around or assume they don’t have to do anything extra anymore since they are married, or assume that the passion doesn’t need to be there as long as the love is there; that’s when they may begin assuming the title of “ex.” 

Couples need to start working toward a healthy relationship to enhance the love instead of letting an unhealthy relationship erode the love. 

Breaking Through the Barricade

You continue to break down the barricade I have built.

You finally got through. You finally were able to pierce through the protective barricade around my heart and find the love. The love was swelling, pounding, throbbing against the walls of the barricade--looking, searching for any weakness in the fortress in order to break through. The love wanted so desperately to get out and reunite with you, but it was being held in, guarded so tightly that as much as it wanted to come out, it couldn’t penetrate the hold…

It needed help, a weapon, a potion, a cure—it needed YOU.  You were the cure—the only one who could break through the shield around my heart. You swooped in like “Lover Man” and stole my heart. Your secret weapon of affection caught me, covered me, clothed me, concealed me and kept me. Your powers were able to defend against the devices of the defensive, against the cleverness of the cowardly, and against the weapons of the weak. Your powers were able to counteract all my defense mechanisms.  

Your weapon of affection and love was the only thing that could truly capture and retain my love, my heart. You were able to find the love, because you were patient, you were gentle, you were accepting, you were diligent and you were unyielding. Once freed, my love felt protected, accepted, appreciated. It felt strong and ready to live life with you. 

You finally got through…now our love is united…let our life together begin!

The Irony of Love

I’m sick. Literally sick over what I’ve done to you; to us. I’m in love with you…fully, deeply, completely and I treated you like shit! I treated you like shit, because I wanted you to feel the same way I did when we broke up. I subconsciously wanted you to feel hurt, betrayed and rejected. So that’s what I did--I hurt you, I betrayed you and I rejected you. But I also love you. So as I was doing those things to you, I was also doing them to myself. I was hurting, betraying and rejecting any future with you.  

I always thought he was lying when he said he never meant to hurt me, but now I know how he felt. It wasn’t my intention to hurt him; nevertheless, I did.