Finally on the Same Page

I wonder what the rest of this story holds...

We are on the same page, we are reading the same book, we are telling the same story.

My boyfriend and I are finally seeing eye to eye in our relationship.  I finally understand where he is coming from and he finally gets what I’ve been feeling.

We are becoming one in Christ and because we are letting Him become our foundation, things are clicking.  We understand each other because God allows us to understand each other. 

We just had a wonderful weekend together and it was focused on all the right things. We were in tuned with each other and in tuned with God.  That intermingling of spirits truly allowed us to love.  Our spirits were finally connected, which was the last and final thing that needed to come together. 

My boyfriend and I had connected mentally at first,  then physically, then emotionally…we needed our spirits to be one.

We’ve finally united and it’s a beautiful space to be in.  This space is filled with purpose, with meaning, with destiny.  We are predestined to be in this moment at this time—we don’t know what’s going to come our way or what’s about to happen , but we are ready to face it together.  

Life is funny—it can be fair and unfair at the same time.  It can throw hurdles your way while also giving you learning lessons.  My relationship with my boyfriend has been a learning lesson.  It has taught me perseverance, it has taught be patient, it has taught me humility, it has taught me selflessness, it has given me confidence, and it has taught me how to love.   

I patiently awaited a real love, a deeper love, a fulfilling love and I finally got it…we are finally in sync!

Longevity

Does love last forever? According to my 100-year-old grandmother, it does.  Her husband passed away 20 years ago, and yet she still had a lifetime with him. A lifetime filled with endless love, an abounding friendship and an assured mindset. Their love was unquestionable, which made it even more amazing. Their love lasted from life until death.

“...until death do us part…”  But to hear my grandmother tell it, their souls have still never parted. She calls him her lover, she kisses his picture everyday, she relives fond moments with him in her mind. She keeps his spirit alive in her heart. They truly have a love that has lasted forever (at least, their version of forever)!

But do those kinds of love still exist? I look around me and people’s actions constantly remind that those loves don’t exist. People’s actions are telling me that you can love and then leave. People’s actions are telling me that love only lasts through the infatuation stage, and once that’s gone, it’s okay to move to the next one. People’s actions tell me that love gives up easily.

But long-lasting loves are also not perfect loves either. If perfect loves existed, they would be boring loves. The challenges, arguments and trials add character to the relationship and many times makes it stronger.  

So long-lasting loves can exist as long as both individuals aren’t expecting perfection, but continue to strive to get close to it. Long-lasting relationships are a balance of reality with fantasy, work with play, and challenges with joyfulness.

It’s funny because I’ve dreamt about my wedding a couple times recently; and each time, the wedding is a perfect disaster. Either my dress is a mess or I have no bridesmaids or I forget to send out invitations—something always happens that makes it horrible.  But the dream always ends with my seeing Lawrence as I walk down the aisle and immediately have a sense of things being okay. The mere sight of my groom-to-be lets me know that things aren’t ever going to be how we planned; but as long as we have each other, we will be able to make it through. 

My dreams tell me that long-lasting loves can exist if you always value and appreciate each other in your lives.

Refreshing, Awakening Love

This love I feel for you is new—it’s refreshing. Your love brings me joy. It’s hard to have a wall up with you, because your love does not tolerate that. Your love does not compromise. Your love does not come in second place and does not settle for consolation prizes. Your love is unapologetic and does not make excuses. Your love is thick and tangible; it is unavoidable. 

Your love covers and coats my heart like a thick blanket, providing a deep layer of protection from hurt, insecurity, doubt, fear, blame, worry and shame. Your love amazes me—it is so ALIVE. It awakens the love in me. Makes me want to love harder, deeper, greater; makes me want to love at a higher level than I’ve ever loved before.

Your love does not hide from the world. Your love does not compare itself to other love. Your love is honest and powerful. Your love does not stop; it does not falter and it does not waver. Your love can see through the defensive shield I put up to the vulnerable girl inside of me.  

Your love is unique, because it is genuine—it’s not a façade. It does not diminish based upon my income, attitude, emotions or appearance. Your love knows me, your love knows my intentions and your love knows my heart. 

Your love brings me joy because it is what I’ve been searching, waiting and hoping for…your love—your sweet, wonderful, amazing love—loves me!

Pretending Not to Love Him

Sometimes I feel like an actress in a play.

I want to be loved. But first I need to be open to love, and need to allow him to love me. This is easier said than done. I thought I was open. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared, but what I realized was that I wasn’t open, ready or prepared, because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again, scared of being vulnerable scared of looking stupid. This fear manifested itself in many different ways—short temper, stand-offish attitude and a rude tone.  I’m inadvertently pushing him away, because I haven’t fully committed my heart and mind to the fact that not only am I ready to be loved, but there is a man ready to love me. 

Once again, I feel confused, on edge and not in control. And I know I’m only feeling these things because my mind is trying to deny what my heart already knows. I’m traveling through this world pretending not to feel a certain way about him and I’m weary. I’m weary and a bit nauseated. It truly makes me sick to my stomach hiding how I truly feel about him.  So now I’m a tired, sick actress and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t love him. 

Love…

Such a beautiful thing,

So much it can bring

It makes your heart sing,

Makes your emotions swing,

Immunes any sting,

Sharpens your spirit’s ring.

It’s much deeper than a fling;

Love gives your body wings!

You're Finally Here...Now What?

Now that he's back, I'm not sure what I want.

You came. I was waiting with opens arms and you finally came. And you came on strong. It’s like you awakened one day and decided you were going to work hard to get all the things you ever wanted in life. And one of the things you wanted was me. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was somewhat caught off guard. You were ready to give me everything I wanted and desired from you, yet now I was the one hesitating. I was slow to move, slow to react. I had been so used to waiting and being in a stationary position that it was hard to put my body, my feelings, my emotions in motion. 

So that’s where I’m at—slow to move. I’m willing myself to move, willing myself to be happy and excited that you want all the same things that I want in life.  But I’m stuck…frozen. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was in shock. I was unable to get out of my “single girl mentality” and think about the possibility of being “someone’s girlfriend.” You finally came, finally expressed all the things that I’ve been waiting to hear, finally were ready to love me the way that I deserve to be loved and now I’m the one pushing away. I’m pushing away the thoughts of living happily ever after with you; I’m pushing away the thoughts of having babies with you and I’m pushing away the thought that this is actually happening to me. I’m suppressing these thoughts because I’m afraid if I think about them too long and hard, I’ll wake up--wake up from this dream I must be having.

So I stop thinking and stop doing…I remain completely still. I’m afraid to get out of my normal single-girl routine. I’m afraid that as soon as I start changing my mindset and acting like a “taken girl,” someone will pinch me and I’ll awake from this blissful affair. 

But I can only stay still for so long. At some point, I need to have faith and believe that this is the real thing. I need to believe that you do truly want me back in your life—for good. I must believe that this is real. I must believe in you—in us—and I must take a risk. You’ve put yourself out there, now it’s time for me to join you. 

You came…you came at a time when my heart was open, my mind was clear, and my emotions were ready….

Letting Go of Control

I’m so confused. Am I supposed to be with you? Are we supposed to get back together? Are we supposed to live life together? What am I supposed to do?  Am I supposed to do anything? Should I try to do something? Anything? Take action instead of sit back? Or should I wait on you? I feel like I should wait…wait on you. It’s time for you to take action. Time for you to be a man. Time for you to pursue me. Time for me to sit back. Time for me to be the woman. Time for me to be pursued.

So that’s what I’m going to do… I’m tired of thinking… I’m tired of being confused. I’m tired of wondering what comes next. So I’m going to rest. I’m going to give my mind a rest. I’m going to give my heart a rest. I’m going to give my emotions a rest. I’m going to let you do the rest.

Confusion is in the past. It has defined our past, but I refused to let it define our present…at least not my present. That was the beauty of changing our future to my future—there wouldn’t be anymore confusion. So confusion is in the past.  And it doesn’t matter what is supposed to happen. I won’t have to try to do anything. Wait. Wait for you to do your part. While I’m waiting, I need to see if there are other men out there for me. Because there will come a time when I’ll be tired of waiting. And I’ll want to see if you really do stand above the rest. 

You hold our future in your hand, but my hand is outstretched waiting for you to come and take it! 

Venturing Into the Unknown

I’m confused. Seriously. I have all these feelings and emotions, and I don’t know which way they are pulling me. For every feeling and thought telling me to go in one direction, there is an equal and opposite feeling telling me to go another (I think I’ve finally figured out what Isaac Newton was talking about!). I truly don’t know what to do. Should I get back together with my ex or should I stay single?

I feel like if I’m enjoying my single life and my independence, then there needs to be a pretty compelling reason to move away from this comfortable state I’m in.  And to be honest, I haven’t discovered that reason yet! My ex is thoughtful, considerate, funny and loving, but he will be all of those things tomorrow. So I need something more than that. I need to know why I can’t live without him right now. And maybe that’s the problem—I want to know too much and there are some things you will never know. You can think things or believe things or feel things, but maybe never know them.

But right now, I’m not even sure what I think, feel or believe. The only feeling I have is confusion and for now, I’m content with that.

Bittersweet Rejection

Rejected. I was rejected by him once again. And who is “him”? It doesn’t really matter who “him” is this particular time, because “him” represents all of them: all the men who have rejected me, either directly or indirectly, purposefully or mistakenly, temporarily or permanently. All the men whom I’ve allowed to make me feel rejected, less than and unwanted. All the men whom I’ve given power to—treating them as gods who are able to control my mood, actions and thoughts. All the men who were just doing what they were brought into my life to do—teach.  

Teach me what I don’t want in a man, teach me what I won’t put up with, teach me how not to act in a relationship, teach me that “him” is not the one! It’s a blessing that “him” continued to reject me because it gave me the time needed to love me, value me, know me. Through rejection came cultivation. So when “him” finally becomes you, I will be fully ripened and matured, ready to love completely. My rejection today is my gratification tomorrow!