Pretending Not to Love Him

Sometimes I feel like an actress in a play.

I want to be loved. But first I need to be open to love, and need to allow him to love me. This is easier said than done. I thought I was open. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared, but what I realized was that I wasn’t open, ready or prepared, because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again, scared of being vulnerable scared of looking stupid. This fear manifested itself in many different ways—short temper, stand-offish attitude and a rude tone.  I’m inadvertently pushing him away, because I haven’t fully committed my heart and mind to the fact that not only am I ready to be loved, but there is a man ready to love me. 

Once again, I feel confused, on edge and not in control. And I know I’m only feeling these things because my mind is trying to deny what my heart already knows. I’m traveling through this world pretending not to feel a certain way about him and I’m weary. I’m weary and a bit nauseated. It truly makes me sick to my stomach hiding how I truly feel about him.  So now I’m a tired, sick actress and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t love him. 

Love…

Such a beautiful thing,

So much it can bring

It makes your heart sing,

Makes your emotions swing,

Immunes any sting,

Sharpens your spirit’s ring.

It’s much deeper than a fling;

Love gives your body wings!

Love's All-Encompassing Embrace

My heart is racing.

Faster and faster it beats,

And with every beat, I feel the heat

of your love surrounding me.

Surrounding me,

engulfing me,

grabbing me,

hugging me,

encompassing me…

Til I’m free—

free of the burdens,

the heartaches,

the pain,

the guilt,

the loneliness.

Free of myself,

 the insecurities and the doubt

Wrapped in his love

 ‘til all the hurt comes out

His love—his pure, amazing love

that releases the cares.

His sweet, unassuming love

          That is an answer to prayers.

It covers my heart

          With a coat of joy

Its thick shield of protection

          Blocks the noise.

Completely comfortable

          And saturated in your love.

It coddles and holds me like a glove.

The thought of your love causes my heart to race.

I’m fully entwined in love’s embrace.

My Love Drug

You’re a drug…you are my drug. I feign for you, but I’ve never had you. I look into your eyes and get a hit, but then I yearn for you more. I resist the temptation to stare into your eyes for too long for fear of overdosing on your love spell.

You eyes. The way you look at me makes me feel like a little girl. Your eyes overpower me, take me over. I’m weak to your love spell; I can’t overcome it. I begin to blush, lose my words, shy away…it’s like I forget the strong, independent, dominant woman I am and revert back to the shy me—the vulnerable me. The real me.

Your eyes have a way of instantly stripping away the façade, the cover, the shield that I’ve placed over me to hide the real me. Your eyes see right through the tough Brooke Alexandria and see little Brookie. You see me, and it scares me. We both know you’re seeing the real me, but we react very differently to her.  I immediately retreat and grasp desperately for a blanket or cover in order to mask this seemingly undesirable person. However, you do the opposite. The fact that you know you’re seeing the real me draws you closer, makes you want more, makes you feel significant, dominant. The more you desire, the deeper your eyes search. The deeper your eyes search, the more of me I reveal. Not purposefully, but helplessly. I have no power against your weapon. And although I feel exposed and vulnerable, there’s a part of me that's excited. That little girl has been dying to come out, dying to see the light, dying to explore.  But she’s been hidden by years of lack of self worth and a wealth of pain. The pain and insecurity built a fortress that somehow you’re able to destroy.  You’ve got a hold of me and that scares me, because that makes you powerful.  A powerful drug—I deny you and desire you at the same time. You make me hurt so good! 

My Path from Rejection to Gratification…

Slowly drifting through this world

Never listening yet never being heard

I am so lost and confused

Why am I the one that always has to lose?

When will my heart find yours?

Crawling daily through life’s ups and downs

Living each down with my face in a frown

My heart never flutters or ever skips a beat

I ever anticipate when our souls will meet.

My heart will soon find yours.

As I’m going through life ever still

A rush over my body, suddenly I feel

This feeling is something I’ve never felt before

It’s warm and refreshing, it opened the door

To my heart as it found yours.

Your love has truly opened my eyes

My whole world is now comprised

Of joy and contentment within my soul

After all this time, I finally know

That my heart has found and will never lose yours.

Relaxation

Today I’m at peace with myself—I’m not dictated by the past.  I’m not controlled by the pain.   

Relaxation

Eyes wide shut, but senses heightened

Total peace and serenity

Not a care in the world, my heart’s content

From now until eternity.

Inhale the warmth of bliss, ever quenching

Exhale the troubles of life

Feeling like a new creature, new beginning

A virgin to pain and strife.

Unceasing joy upon my face, a constant gleam

A twinkle in my eye

Sunshine seeping from my pores, all-consuming

A never-ending supply. 

Love emitting from my spirit, overflowing

A tangible gift from above

Feeling beauty, splendor, and glee—amazing

All-encompassing like a glove.