As I travel down this road toward being the real, authentic “me” in relationships, I find myself hitting roadblocks of uncertainty. I’m not used to being open—opening myself up and, being open minded. I’m used to putting up a shield, hiding myself—shutting myself off so he doesn’t know my true feelings and emotions.
In fact, the sure-fire way to tell if I am interested in a guy is to observe my physical proximity to him and my interactions with him. If I’m really talking it up with him and I’m seemingly flirting with him and gracefully touching his arm, that means I have no interest in him. That’s right—none! I’m comfortable with him, (which comes across as flirtatious) because I’m not scared that he will reject me (because I’ve already rejected him). On the other hand, if I’m being really distant with a guy and going out of my way not to talk to him and I seem a bit uncomfortable, that means that I’m interested in that guy and see potential in him. I know, it’s backwards, but it’s just how I’ve trained myself to operate. If I’m distant, then there’s no way he can reject me. The only bad side is that there’s also no way that he can accept me. So I’m my own worse enemy.
There’s only a few people who have broken through the shield and have seen the real Brooke—those are the people I’m not just interested in, but whom I crush on hard…those are the people who give me a reason to expose myself….