Monday, January 10, 2011

Pretending Not to Love Him


Sometimes I feel like an actress in a play.
I want to be loved. But first I need to be open to love, and need to allow him to love me. This is easier said than done. I thought I was open. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared, but what I realized was that I wasn’t open, ready or prepared, because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again, scared of being vulnerable scared of looking stupid. This fear manifested itself in many different ways—short temper, stand-offish attitude and a rude tone.  I’m inadvertently pushing him away, because I haven’t fully committed my heart and mind to the fact that not only am I ready to be loved, but there is a man ready to love me. 

Once again, I feel confused, on edge and not in control. And I know I’m only feeling these things because my mind is trying to deny what my heart already knows. I’m traveling through this world pretending not to feel a certain way about him and I’m weary. I’m weary and a bit nauseated. It truly makes me sick to my stomach hiding how I truly feel about him.  So now I’m a tired, sick actress and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t love him. 

Love…
Such a beautiful thing,
So much it can bring
It makes your heart sing,
Makes your emotions swing,
Immunes any sting,
Sharpens your spirit’s ring.
It’s much deeper than a fling;
Love gives your body wings!

28 comments:

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