Monday, January 24, 2011

A Healthy Dependence?

I’m beginning to become dependent on him again and that scares me. I’m not dependent on him for the everyday functional things like eating, bathing and breathing, but I’m dependent on him emotionally. For instance, I can always tell if he and I have an argument before we go to sleep or don’t get a chance to talk before we go to sleep, because I wake up moody, bothered and dissatisfied. But if he and I have a good conversation before we go to bed, then I wake up happy, restful and refreshed. 

My emotional disposition is beginning to be controlled by the status of our relationship—dangerous territory! However, I’m not quite sure how one avoids that.If I force myself to not become emotionally dependent upon him, then I end up not becoming emotionally involved at all and put a wall up.  However, if I allow myself to go all in and give in to love, then I leave myself exposed to getting hurt…

There is no easy answer, and there is no middle ground. I must pick one or the other—I either have to love completely and risk hurting completely OR I have to love superficially and risk not having someone to love at all. I’m obviously going to pick the former option but only because I’ve tried the other option and it didn’t take me far.  I’m tired of holding back, I’m tired of having reservations, I’m tired of caring what other people say/think about my relationship. I need to be fair to “us” and give all of me. And I hope that he is doing the same. 

So maybe I should look at this differently…maybe it’s a positive thing that I’m beginning to become dependent on him emotionally, because it’s evidence of the fact that I’ve finally let myself be vulnerable and defenseless (which you all know I’ve been struggling with for some time now!). I’m growing!

The “old” me was looking at this situation negatively—trying to sabotage the situation and convince myself that I should never be “dependent” upon a man.  Well, that’s true to some extent, but I also need to be emotionally tied and connected with him in some tangible way in order to realize the capacity of our love!

I’m beginning to become dependent on him again, and that comforts me!

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