Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Great Expectations

This moment was everything I’d dreamt it be—you were everything I’d hoped you would be…

I came into town with such high expectations of the weekend. What would it be like to see you again? What would it sound like to hear your voice again? What would it feel like to embrace again? So many questions were whizzing around in my head. 

We had started talking on the phone again over the last few weeks—seeing if we should establish a relationship again. We clearly still loved each other; that was evident in our tone. However, had anything changed? If we weren’t able to make our relationship work the first time around, would we be able to make it work this time? We decided to give it a try, but first we needed to be around each other, see each other, be in each other's presence, figure out if we really had something worth saving. So I decided to travel there (which in and of itself was a big step, because we live so far apart) and give “us” a try.

On the plane, these questions were popping up in my head…so many “what ifs” and “hows” and “what does that mean”...  I was driving myself crazy. I always feel like I have to have the answer for everything and that’s not always possible. But that was making me even more anxious, more eager and more confused. With each minute that passed and with each mile I traveled, my emotions were elevating. I felt a lot of pressure—everything was riding on how things went this weekend. This weekend could make or break my whole life! I know this sounds dramatic, but that’s what my emotions were telling me as I was getting closer and closer to seeing you.

I finally arrived to my destination.  But I had to wait for you to pick me up, which was even more agonizing! “I’ll be there in 10 minutes," you said. You said that statement in a nonchalant tone. And any other day, any other time, any other moment, 10 minutes would be no big deal. But it’s not any other day, time or moment—it’s right now. Right now I’m trying to figure out if we still have something, right now I’m trying to figure out if I have a boyfriend again. Right now I’m trying to figure out what my “happily ever ending" will be. 

But I have no choice but to wait. So I wait. Which is what I’ve been doing for the last year and a half since we broke up. I’ve been waiting—waiting for you to figure out what you wanted, waiting for you to figure out who you are, waiting for you to realize that I’m what you wanted. So I wait…10 more minutes…

Questions…so many questions whizzing, whirling, turning in my head…UNTIL….there you are. I see you! My heart stutters, my lips curl up in a smile, my breath is quick and deep at the same time. My body knows what my mind doesn’t…it knows the answers to my questions. As soon as I saw you, I knew. 

What would it be like to see you again? What would it sound like to hear your voice again? What would it feel like to embrace again?  It would feel…it did feel…RIGHT!

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