Friday, January 28, 2011

Finally on One Accord

Here it comes…we both knew it was coming, but we were both avoiding it. Well, we can’t avoid it any longer. We were both anxious to understand “what we were doing.” We both know that we love each other; we’ve expressed that. And I think we both know the level to which we love each other, which is immensely, completely and entirely. But we had been doing too much thinking and not enough knowing. And the only way to know something is to say it. I needed to hear the words. I needed for him to say exactly what his intentions were for our relationship. I needed to know exactly what he wanted from me. 

So this talk had to come and it had to come now….

The hairs on my arms rise as I’m listening to you talk. I feel tightness in my chest and I remember to tell myself to breathe. I take in a deep breath and with it I take in all that you are telling me. ’m diligently listening and grabbing onto every single word you are saying. I don’t want to miss anything—its important that I hear and understand everything that you are saying and are not saying. “…I love you,” he says. And I know it’s coming, the infamous “but.” My heart quickens and my stomach forms a knot as my bodies reacts in anticipation of what he is going to say. My brain knows what he is going to say is not going to be good, because it’s never good. I don’t get the fairy tale—at least I’ve never gotten it in the past. My brain uses its knowledge of the past to predict what will happen in the present. Meanwhile, my heart holds out hope, because the heart only knows happy endings. As much as the heart has been broken and bruised before, it still believes in the possibility of love…it still believes that true love exists. “…and I have always loved you,” he continues. Why is he waiting so long for the “but"? I ask myself. My body stiffens with every new phrase that comes out of his mouth, while my brain becomes impatient with his monologue. The words are nice to hear, but they aren’t telling me anything new. I thought he wanted to discuss the future. I want something more for him, from us, but clearly he’s not…

Suddenly, I’m jarred out of my train of inordinate thoughts by the foreign words that are coming out of his mouth. “…Brooke, I will always love you. I want to love you and be with you forever. I see you as my wife and I want to spend this next year making sure that vision comes true.” 

I exhale and breathe an emphatic “I love you too!” I love him too. I want to be with him too! I want to marry him too! My brain and my heart are both overwhelmed—my brain is overwhelmed with information that it needs to process while my heart is overwhelmed with immense joy and expectation. Our love is finally united! 

A piece of you was dwelling in my heart and a piece of me was dwelling in yours. So when love finally brought us together, my heart leapt out of me to be reunited with the piece of me that was with you. 

I needed to know what he wanted…I learned that it was Me!

No comments:

Post a Comment