Friday, July 8, 2011

A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 
You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

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