You are my drug. I drink you in. Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel. When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you.
But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you. I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being. I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.
So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back. I try to wing myself off of you. Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself. I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw. The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love.
I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency. But being in this state is lonely…and miserable.
So I begin to open up my heart again. And on and on it goes. I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.
I don’t know how to even out my temperament. I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm. It’s like I get a rush from the randomness. I enjoy the adventure. I depend on the drama….
Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama. Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function. Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane. Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles.
My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...