As I’ve been on this journey of understanding who I am—in and out of relationships—one of the things I have been struggling with is vulnerability. I have not allowed myself to be completely vulnerable in relationships and I have been trying to figure out why. Fear? Lack of emotional investment? Lack of trust? I fully explored all of those things, really trying to uncover the deep-seeded emotional problem in my life.
What I am discovering is that I have to have a reason to be vulnerable. I have to have a reason to be open to hurting and being defenseless. Currently, I have no reason, no basis for being vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be weak, defenseless, caught off guard; therefore, just based upon pure definition, one is most vulnerable when they are surprised or taken out of their comfort zone. So if I’m living my daily routine and everything is status quo, there is no reason to expose my vulnerabilities, because I’m comfortable and confident in my environment. In order to truly bring the vulnerable side of me out, I need change in my life, I need something different to happen.
I believe that’s the thing that’s missing in the relationship I’m currently in—the element of surprise. Everything we do is so methodical that I always know what’s coming. I know much of that has to do with our being in a long-distance relationship. We have to have set times to talk and set times to visit each other, but we are going to have to bring some spontaneity into the relationship in order to keep it fresh, passionate and honest. Much of vulnerability is about honesty and being willing to express all of you. Spontaneity challenges the status quo and forces new emotions and behaviors to come out that had not been exposed before. Spontaneity strips away the layers of confidence and comfort to expose the vulnerabilities.
That’s what needs to happen. I need to be caught off guard enough that my confidence does not get in the way of my love and humility—the softer side of me. I need a reason to be vulnerable…without that reason, something in me won’t allow myself to expose the inner most parts…I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable for vulnerability’s sake…