The Shadow over My Happiness

Happiness is relative. Happiness can be determined by other people’s happiness. Happiness can be momentary. Happiness can be fleeting. Happiness can be…overpowered. Yes, it can be overpowered by loneliness, insecurity, mistrust, frustration, doubt—essentially any negativity. 

Recently, I’ve been letting those things affect my happiness. I’ve been letting these outside forces affect my mood, affect my view on life, affect how I operate.

I’m not happy right now and I need to be. I’m fairly happy with myself, but not happy with my boyfriend.   I love my boyfriend, but in this particular moment, I’m not happy with where we are. 

I feel like we are fluttering around trying to get to the next landing and can’t seem to make it. Where we are trying to go seems further and further away, which makes us lose hope. My hopelessness is causing me to put a little less effort it, try a little less hard, care a little less than I used to.

I want us to make it…I’m in love with this man. I just don’t know why it has to be so hard. Why do we have to work so hard to be happy? Or is this a test? Maybe we have to work so hard now to prove that we can make it in the future—“if you can handle this, you can handle anything” type thing…

Maybe I’m failing the test. Maybe my happiness is supposed to endure the low points.  Maybe my current mood is evidence that I give up too soon. 

I want to be in it for the long haul, but this current portion of the journey is taking a toll on me…

Our circumstances are tearing me down.  He still has faith in us; I just hope his faith is enough for the both of us.

The Answer I've Been Looking For

I love you. But you make me so mad sometimes! I love you, but you get on my nerves sometimes. You annoy me sometimes. You frustrate me sometimes. You upset me sometimes. BUT, I love you. 

Sometimes I think you could measure love by how much the other person frustrates you. I say that because if they frustrate you and you still want to be around them, that must demand a high level of love. 

My boyfriend upsets me, but he also understands me. My boyfriend frustrates me, but he also frees me. My boyfriend annoys me, but he also answers me. He answers my question. My question of what man will love me the way I deserve to be loved. The question of who is the man for me. The question of who will I spend the rest of my life with. He answers all those questions—he is the answer.

But sometimes the answer isn’t always understood. Meaning, other people don’t always understand that he is the one for me. And, frankly, I’m not sure why. But I’m also not sure why or if I should care. I guess I just want my answer to be everyone’s answer. I want everyone around us to know that he is the absolute right one for me. I don’t want to have to defend my answer. 

Defending my answer makes me second guess my answer. It’s like when someone asks you something, you can give a definitive answer until they start asking you all the follow-up questions and the "whys." Then you start second guessing yourself, and back tracking, and justifying.  I don’t want to do those things when it comes to my relationship. 

Therefore, through the frustration and through the hard times, I love him. He is my best friend, my supporter, my comedian, my partner—my answer.

Really Feelin' the Love

When you feel loved, it makes the world look different. It makes you feel things that you’ve never felt before, see things that you’ve never seen before, hear things that you’ve never heard before. 

When you feel loved, it makes the people around you look different. It makes you see the beauty in individual people. It makes you appreciate the unique characteristics and traits of each person, makes you see the good in people versus the bad.

When you feel loved, it makes nature look different. It makes the green grass look more brilliant, the blue sky look richer and the colorful birds look more extraordinary. Love makes something natural look supernatural.

When you feel loved, it makes you look different. It makes you have a radiance about you, and energy that’s tangible. Love makes you lighter on your feet; it makes you have a sunny disposition.

When you feel loved…

I am loved and I feel wonderful. In fact, wonderful doesn’t really express the warmth, comfort and confidence I feel. I feel beautiful in my own skin. I feel like I don’t have to apologize for any of my flaws. I feel like there is perfection in my imperfection. I feel like there is always happy, peaceful music playing in my head and the world around me is singing the same tune! I feel like all the positive energy in the world is contagious and I’ve caught the virus. I’m lovesick. 

I feel loved and I’m in love with you…

Putting the Spark Back Into Your Relationship

What’s the key to keeping the spark in a relationship? When the honeymoon phase is over, how do you ensure the passion remains?

When relationships transform from leisure into work, a shift occurs within the dynamics of the couple’s interactions where they start to become complacent and bored. They are not turned on as easily as before—they fall into the “danger zone” called status quo.

When you are in the “danger zone,” the way your man touches you or tries to tickle you, is annoying instead of cute. When you’re in the “danger zone,” the random, erratic way your man breathes when he sleeps is irritating instead of endearing. When you are in the “danger zone,” the cute little things you used to do to get your man’s attention just seem like overkill now.

The “danger zone” is ridden with eroding relationships, dissatisfied couples and jaded individuals. The “danger zone” is a place of forced acceptance of your reality.

When I come in contact with couples in the dreaded zone, I am saddened. I am saddened because here are two individuals who were once in love, but have let life get in the way of like. They have fallen into the trap of thinking lack of affection, lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of spontaneity and lack of intimacy are just the natural evolutions of relationships. But, really, those things are present in a relationship that has been taken for granted. When couples begin to assume the other will always be around or assume they don’t have to do anything extra anymore since they are married, or assume that the passion doesn’t need to be there as long as the love is there; that’s when they may begin assuming the title of “ex.” 

Couples need to start working toward a healthy relationship to enhance the love instead of letting an unhealthy relationship erode the love. 

Realizing Purpose Before Letting "The One" Slip Away

It’s funny how people pop into your life—some are just supposed to be around for a moment; either to teach you a lesson or inspire you. Others stay around for a lifetime, constantly teaching you, inspiring you, motivating you, and energizing you.

…The difficulty is discerning those people who were meant for a moment in time versus those who were meant for the entire journey…

When my boyfriend and I first broke up, I spent many weeks and months trying to convince myself that he and I weren’t “supposed” to be together and that my fantasies of “happily ever after” with him must have been a mistake, a lapse in judgment. I did not have much ammunition to use to attempt to convince myself of this truth except for the fact (or the reality I should say) that we were not together anymore. If we were no longer dating, how could he possibly be “the one” for me? 

As I was trying to persuade myself that he was not the man for me, that there were other men more compatible, that I would find another love, conflicting feelings and thoughts were creeping in telling me otherwise:

I feel guilty—guilty for even looking at another man. Why? We aren’t together anymore, yet I still have that feeling of being taken. My heart is taken. I could find 50 other guys attractive, but at the end of the day, I only see one man. One man that if he wanted to get back together, wanted to start over again, I would come running. I would, without hesitation, go running back to this man because I still love him!

It was those feelings that kept resurfacing during the 1 ½ years that we were broken up that told me that our ending hadn’t been written yet. We were still in the first act and the breakup just represented an obstacle on our journey toward resolving our personal problems. 

During the time we’ve known each other, we have been best friends. We have very similar interests; while at the same time, have differing personality traits. These seemingly “conflicting” traits actually serve as fuel to propel us toward being the best versions of ourselves—where I lack, he shines and vice versa. It’s these things that assure me he is a “lifer”—he serves a purpose for my life. A moment in time wouldn’t be enough time for him to educate and encourage me to the extent to which I know he is capable of doing.  

I truly thank God that we were able to realize our purpose in each other’s lives before we inadvertently cut off a blessing that was meant for a lifetime!