Loving Without Restriction

I need to be happy.  No matter what happens with my life, no matter what I end up doing, I need to be happy. 

I need to be happy with myself and I need to be happy with the one I’m with.  My man needs to make me happy…at all times.  I want to be happy at all times.  I want him to be able to fix my bad days, lighten my heavy mood, ease my weary spirit, solve my toughest issues.  I want him to love all over me and kiss away my pain.  In times when I can’t make myself feel better, I want him to come to my rescue. 

I must admit, sometimes I need him.  I need him to be there for me and that’s hard for me to say.  It’s hard for me to admit that I need this man in my life, not out of dependence, but out of desire.  I need his spirit, I need his energy.  I need him.

Although I need him, I refuse to tell him that.  I refuse to let him know my full desire for him.  Why?  I'm not sure.  A pride thing, I guess.  I can’t let him know that my happiness is reliant upon his happiness. 

When I was totally reliant on him in the past, it burned me.  He ended up abusing my love and I just can’t go through that again.  I used to be smitten; now, I’m smarter.  I don’t want to love blindly…I don’t want to get hurt. 

I want to be happy. I want to love freely. I want him to know how much I love him—but at what cost?

The Mystery We Call Love

Love is a mysterious thing—it cannot be explained, it cannot be defined, it cannot be rationalized, it cannot be described.  Love is a feeling—it just is.  It’s just there.  Love has no timeframe.  It has no constraints.  Love is just present—it just shows up; sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes unwarranted, sometimes unmotivated.  Love doesn’t follow the rules; in fact, it often breaks them. 

Love doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t make common sense, but somehow knows what’s best for you.  Love looks past the superficial—love doesn’t care what a person does, what a person looks like, what a person’s goals are, what a person’s background is.  Love only cares about who a person is today. ..how it feels about that person right now. 

Love cannot be summed up in words…so when my boyfriend asks me why I love him, it’s hard for me to answer, because it’s just a feeling—it’s what is.  It’s hard for me to describe to him the feeling of comfort I get when he’s lying next to me.  It’s hard for me to explain the feeling of loneliness when I haven’t seen or talked to him in a while.  It’s hard for me to explain the confidence I feel when I look at him. 

I can’t explain a feeling, which sometimes makes it hard to tell others why I like him so much or why we are still together, or why he is the man for me. 

Love doesn’t allow for why’s—only who’s.  Love chooses the person to attach itself to and tries not to let go.  Love finds the object of its affection and doesn’t have time to explain it, describe it, rationalize it, or define it.  So I’m going to stop trying. 

Who I choose to love is a mystery—let’s just leave it at that…

Bittersweet Temptation

While on this journey of living in love, I find that more and more hurdles come my way. These hurdles are often in the form of men. Other men may cross my path, causing me to look away from my end goal, which is my boyfriend. I don’t actually venture off the path and start following this distraction; I just glance over that direction.

But sometimes that glance is enough to divert my thoughts.  I begin to lose focus of the end goal and start thinking about other possibilities.  I don’t actually want to pursue those other possibilities; I just like to think about them.  They are harmless thoughts…just enough to make sure that my end goal is definitely what I want.

It almost enables me to appreciate the end goal a bit more.  When I’m fully aware of the other men that are out there, I can better affirm that the one I have is the right one for me.  It lets me know that my boyfriend is not just great because he’s the only one out there and I love him, but he’s great because he’s better for me than anyone else that is out there.

But I must admit, sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that these distractions aren’t better than the end goal.  In the moment, sometimes I forget that my boyfriend is really good for me, and I allow myself to get distracted by men who are not-so-good for me.  But these distractions are so tricky—they disguise themselves to be more than what they are.  So once they take off their mask, you find that they are not who you thought. 

What I keep learning is that my boyfriend—in all his flaws—is better for me than all the distractions (even the cute ones).  So while it’s okay to look, it’s definitely not worth while touching!

Finally on the Same Page

I wonder what the rest of this story holds...

We are on the same page, we are reading the same book, we are telling the same story.

My boyfriend and I are finally seeing eye to eye in our relationship.  I finally understand where he is coming from and he finally gets what I’ve been feeling.

We are becoming one in Christ and because we are letting Him become our foundation, things are clicking.  We understand each other because God allows us to understand each other. 

We just had a wonderful weekend together and it was focused on all the right things. We were in tuned with each other and in tuned with God.  That intermingling of spirits truly allowed us to love.  Our spirits were finally connected, which was the last and final thing that needed to come together. 

My boyfriend and I had connected mentally at first,  then physically, then emotionally…we needed our spirits to be one.

We’ve finally united and it’s a beautiful space to be in.  This space is filled with purpose, with meaning, with destiny.  We are predestined to be in this moment at this time—we don’t know what’s going to come our way or what’s about to happen , but we are ready to face it together.  

Life is funny—it can be fair and unfair at the same time.  It can throw hurdles your way while also giving you learning lessons.  My relationship with my boyfriend has been a learning lesson.  It has taught me perseverance, it has taught be patient, it has taught me humility, it has taught me selflessness, it has given me confidence, and it has taught me how to love.   

I patiently awaited a real love, a deeper love, a fulfilling love and I finally got it…we are finally in sync!

The Shadow over My Happiness

Happiness is relative. Happiness can be determined by other people’s happiness. Happiness can be momentary. Happiness can be fleeting. Happiness can be…overpowered. Yes, it can be overpowered by loneliness, insecurity, mistrust, frustration, doubt—essentially any negativity. 

Recently, I’ve been letting those things affect my happiness. I’ve been letting these outside forces affect my mood, affect my view on life, affect how I operate.

I’m not happy right now and I need to be. I’m fairly happy with myself, but not happy with my boyfriend.   I love my boyfriend, but in this particular moment, I’m not happy with where we are. 

I feel like we are fluttering around trying to get to the next landing and can’t seem to make it. Where we are trying to go seems further and further away, which makes us lose hope. My hopelessness is causing me to put a little less effort it, try a little less hard, care a little less than I used to.

I want us to make it…I’m in love with this man. I just don’t know why it has to be so hard. Why do we have to work so hard to be happy? Or is this a test? Maybe we have to work so hard now to prove that we can make it in the future—“if you can handle this, you can handle anything” type thing…

Maybe I’m failing the test. Maybe my happiness is supposed to endure the low points.  Maybe my current mood is evidence that I give up too soon. 

I want to be in it for the long haul, but this current portion of the journey is taking a toll on me…

Our circumstances are tearing me down.  He still has faith in us; I just hope his faith is enough for the both of us.

Doubting a Good Thing?

Is it natural to doubt your relationship or is it a caution flag of something to avoid in the future?

I find myself wanting to live in the same city as my long-distance boyfriend, but doubting it will actually ever happen. We’ve dated off and on for four-and-a-half years and during that time, we’ve always lived in different cities. I just don’t know what it would have to take before he or I would transport our lives to a different city. 

If it hasn’t happened yet, why should I expect it to ever happen? What magical thing would happen that would actually make us feel differently about moving, because right now, clearly neither of us wants to be the one to move.

And to be perfectly honest, the only way I ever see us living in the same city is if I make the move, which I don’t think is fair. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one proactively thinking about how we could make our future together a little easier. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one making an effort to visit the other. I don’t think it’s fair that  I’m around guys all day and can’t flirt or anything with them because I have this man that I might see once a month that I call my boyfriend.

Why do I have to be the one to move my life just so our fantasy of living in the same city can become a reality? I’m not saying I’m not willing, I just don’t want it to be forced upon me without even looking at the possibility of him moving. 

It always seems to me like the woman is the one willing to invest in the next step in a relationship before the man is…but I just don’t know how long that is supposed to last. It seems to me that after a while that should even out and we both should be investing equally into the relationship.

Or is it my pride talking? Should I care more about what is best for our relationship versus what is fair? I guess it doesn’t matter who moves as long as we can be together. In the long run, if we are meant to be together, we won’t even remember what we had to give up in order to live together because we will be getting so much more in return.

I guess if I want something to happen, I’m going to have to do it myself…

Letting the Man be "The Man"

Are men and women really that different? Sometimes it feels as if we are extremely different, yet other times it feels like we are eerily similar. And sometimes we are different, but not in traditional ways. Men sometimes take on the traditional “woman” role—more emotional, more sensitive, more affectionate; while women sometimes take on the traditional “man” role—less aware, less talkative, less affected. But just because men and women don’t always play their traditional roles, doesn’t mean either of them is wrong. It just means they are being their true selves and their true selves defy gender labels that society places upon us.

The rub or tension lies when both people are playing the same role. For instance, there doesn’t need to be two aggressive, take charge personalities in the relationship. There also doesn’t need to be two highly emotional personalities either. 

This is precisely the challenge I’m dealing with in my current situation. Letting him play his role and me play mine. I’m always so tempted to creep into his space, play his role, develop his “character;” which hasn’t given him much room to play his part in the relationship. It goes back to the old saying, “Let the man, be the man.” Right now, I’m trying to be the man and the woman in the relationship and I'm not doing either very well. I need to focus on playing my own role, my own part so he can feel more confident in doing what he needs to do in the relationship.

At the same time, he needs to give me the confidence that I can trust him playing that role, that I can trust him being the head of the household, that I can trust him making decisions for the both of us. Because, without that trust, lines will begin to get blurry again and neither of us will have confidence in what we bring to the relationship.   

Are men and women really that different? Whatever the answer, differences are needed in order for each individual to truly understand what they are contributing to the relationship and for each person to appreciate what the other is doing.

Putting the Spark Back Into Your Relationship

What’s the key to keeping the spark in a relationship? When the honeymoon phase is over, how do you ensure the passion remains?

When relationships transform from leisure into work, a shift occurs within the dynamics of the couple’s interactions where they start to become complacent and bored. They are not turned on as easily as before—they fall into the “danger zone” called status quo.

When you are in the “danger zone,” the way your man touches you or tries to tickle you, is annoying instead of cute. When you’re in the “danger zone,” the random, erratic way your man breathes when he sleeps is irritating instead of endearing. When you are in the “danger zone,” the cute little things you used to do to get your man’s attention just seem like overkill now.

The “danger zone” is ridden with eroding relationships, dissatisfied couples and jaded individuals. The “danger zone” is a place of forced acceptance of your reality.

When I come in contact with couples in the dreaded zone, I am saddened. I am saddened because here are two individuals who were once in love, but have let life get in the way of like. They have fallen into the trap of thinking lack of affection, lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of spontaneity and lack of intimacy are just the natural evolutions of relationships. But, really, those things are present in a relationship that has been taken for granted. When couples begin to assume the other will always be around or assume they don’t have to do anything extra anymore since they are married, or assume that the passion doesn’t need to be there as long as the love is there; that’s when they may begin assuming the title of “ex.” 

Couples need to start working toward a healthy relationship to enhance the love instead of letting an unhealthy relationship erode the love. 

Wrestling With Gender Roles

How gender roles play into a relationship is interesting to observe—either directly or indirectly. Traditionally, we’ve had fairly defined gender roles placed on us by society and culture. The man is rough and rugged and provides for the household monetarily. The woman is soft and emotional and meets the domestic needs of the family. Although there were some obvious issues with that setup, it was very clear who did what in the household. Each person knew what their role was and how they contributed to the family’s needs.

Fast-forward to today—the way society has evolved has had a clear impact on gender roles and it has had a clear impact on relationships. For instance, I am extremely independent, I make decisions all day in my Corporate America job, I am very opinionated and don’t like to clean. So those traits and attributes spill over into my relationship. Therefore, I can be bossy, domineering, selfish and messy—all traits that I don’t think any man would intentionally sign up for. So I try to suppress those traits. I try to be more open, more patient and more inclusive; however, since those things aren’t natural for me, I often revert back to the selfish, impatient side. 

As a woman, I am struggling with being a strong, independent woman while also letting a man be a man and allowing him to make decisions. I’m struggling with being self-confident without being self-centered, being decisive without being domineering, being independent without being exclusive. I need to strike a balance in my life, but I don’t know the steps I need to take to find that balance.

I’m a traditional girl is so many ways; I actually do desire the man to be the head of the household. I would like to be able to come home from work and have a partner there to help make decisions with me. I even like the thought of putting on an apron and making dinner for my boyfriend/husband. But the independent side of me won’t let myself submit fully—that side wants to wants to run the show. Actually, that side does not necessarily want to run the show, but feels like she needs to run the show in order for the show to run properly. In order for everyone to be in their place when they need to be, in order for everyone to know their lines, in order for the show to start on time, the independent side feels a need to be the director. 

Can there be two directors in a relationship or will I need to step down? Or better yet, maybe he needs to step up? 

Let’s see how the roles we play in this relationship evolve as the weeks/months go on. What is clear is that in order for this relationship to be a success, we will both need to clearly understand our role in the relationship and we will both need to be satisfied with the other playing that part….