Patiently Waiting

My boyfriend and I are playing the waiting game. We are waiting for something to happen, waiting to make a move, waiting for a sign. 

We are waiting for someone or something to let us know that it is okay for us to uproot our lives to be together. We have the love, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. 

Love is enough to make us travel 500 miles every month to see each other. Love is enough to meet each other’s families and friends. Love is enough to make future plans together. But love isn’t enough to make us confident that taking the first step toward those future plans is a good idea. We want it to be a good idea. We want to live our lives together. We want to live in the same city, but we also want to be sure that it’s the right thing to do.

One would think love would be enough. My heart wants to believe that it is, but my mind is skeptical. My mind is skeptical because it looks around and sees a lot of people who were once “in love” and are now “in court.” Apparently, love has an expiration date on it and I just want to make sure ours doesn’t spoil.   

So that’s why we are waiting. We don’t want to prematurely make a decision that we can’t take back. We want to make sure it’s right without it necessarily being “perfect.” Because no situation will ever be perfect, there will always be reasons why it won’t be a good time for either one of us to move. However, there will be a “right” time. 

There will be a time when it will feel right for us to stop waiting and start moving; but until that time comes…

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…

Forgive, Forget and Move On?

It’s funny how relationships have ups and downs, highs and lows and yet they usually seem to balance themselves back out. It doesn’t always happen overnight; it might take some planning, some working, some talking, and some fighting; but eventually the world makes sense again. 

Today, all is right with the world. Today, there is harmony again. Today, we are back to neutral. Today, everything is OK.

Yesterday, we could have been screaming, fighting, yelling, arguing—but that was yesterday. I don’t need to worry about the problems of yesterday because they have been resolved today. The relationship has balanced itself back out and is now back to neutral.

But should that be the case? Should couples really negate everything that happened in the past because today is better? Should we really act like what happened yesterday didn’t matter because we don’t want to be reminded of it today?

Or do we need that reminder? Do we need to take note of the issues of yesterday so they aren’t repeated today and tomorrow? 

The issues my boyfriend and I had yesterday have been resolved in terms of neither one of us being angry anymore, but they have not been solved in terms of enabling the issue to not come up again. But by remembering the issues of yesterday, we may work to solve them tomorrow.

So I think that’s the key.  Don’t let your past issues distract you from moving forward, but at the same time, don’t let them disappear momentarily only to resurface as a bigger issue in the future. 

Relationships do have a way of balancing themselves out, but I’d rather just have a steady, “balanced” relationship versus trying to re-balance it every day.

Today, the world makes sense—I’m going to try to keep it that way!

Needing My Partner In My Relationship

I’m over it. I’m over him saying one thing and doing another. Or better yet, saying one thing and not doing anything at all.

Just when I think we’ve made progress in our relationship and moving toward doing what is best for the relationship, something happens that pushes us further apart. And I can’t help but think he is the culprit–I can’t help but think he is pushing us apart. He is not intentionally being destructive to our relationship, but ignorantly. He doesn’t know that his apathy is sabotaging us. 

But intentional or not, I’ve reached my breaking point.  Something must change—his apathy is affecting my happiness.

He rarely follows through with what he says he’s going to do and when he does follow through, it’s only because I’ve asked and reminded him three or four times. He does not take action until something bad has already happened. 

I am over it.

The lack of action and “extra” in our relationship is leading to the demise of the relationship.  You can’t sustain a healthy relationship if you aren’t feeding it and nurturing it.  He and I go on day after day doing the same old things.  We do not add any pizzazz or spice to the relationship.  The relationship is getting boring and we need something to bring us out of our funk, because…

I am over it!

I’m to blame as well; I understand that. But I cannot do something about the relationship by myself. I need help. I want his help. I want him to be by my side, to be my partner. 

I want us to be in it together. 

What's the Limit Before Enough Is Enough?

How far are you supposed to go for your significant other?  How much are you supposed to do?  Do you keep giving and giving and giving until you have no more to give or do you cut off the “donations” before you’ve reached your breaking point?

Is there ever a time when you just stop giving to the relationship?  Are you allowed to give tough love to a relationship versus continuing to nurture it?

I’ve been giving a lot to my relationship…a lot of love, a lot of attention, a lot of time, a lot of money, and a lot of effort.  I’ve been giving all of me and all of my emotions to this relationship.  And, frankly, I’m tired.  I’m not tired in terms of wanting to escape, but tired in terms of wanting and needing things to change.  I just don’t know how long I can continue to give and not get much in return.  I want to keep giving—in fact, my love won’t let me stop giving.  But I’m not sure how long my mind and my energy can last.  The continuous donations are taking a toll on my health. 

It’s not that I haven’t gotten anything from the relationship, but recently I’ve been giving a lot more.  And I’m not sure if I’m “supposed” to keep giving or if I should enable him to take care of things himself.   As the man, isn’t he supposed to take care of things and handle his own issues?  I just don’t know how to balance “supporting your mate” with “letting a man be a man.” 

Every time I try to give tough love, the “soft love” in me wants to immediately console him or work to rectify a situation or problem he may be having. 

Is my giving a lot to this relationship my duty as a girlfriend or my way of enabling him?

Relationship Communication 101

Photo by Kriss Szkurlatowski

Does your man make a bad day better or worse?

I think that’s the litmus test for whether you are in a healthy relationship or not—whether he can turn around your bad day or make it even worse.

A man who can make you laugh or take your mind off things is a man who has cracked the code to a woman’s mind.  Because we get inside our own heads a lot and start overthinking things and over analyzing things, and sometimes we need someone to just grab us out of that mental meltdown and bring us back to reality.

But many times men can’t be that hero.  Many times men can’t make you smile in those situations.  In fact, it seems like men have this special power that makes them extra annoying when you’re going through something.  They seem to know just the thing to say that you didn’t want to hear. 

I see it with couples all the time.  The girl is having a bad day and she would rather talk to her mom and a girl friend instead of talking to her boyfriend.  Why? Because testosterone says and does stupid stuff.  And the girl doesn’t want to be bothered with that stupid stuff at that time.

So how do we fix the stupidity?  How do we educate men on what to say and not say on bad days?  Here are a few suggestions of things not to say:

·        “That doesn’t make any sense—why do you feel that way?”

·        “I just don’t understand what’s the big deal.”

·        “You need to calm down.”

·        Any phrase that generalizes or stereotypes women: “you women…”

There are many, many more, but those are the big ones that men should avoid. 

I believe all women should start helping men instead of criticizing them so they can be the men we need them to be on a daily basis, and especially on those not-so-perfect days. 

Looking Back at Single Life

…Single girl life…it’s had many adventures. I had crushes on boys and tried to get them to notice me. I’ve had kisses with random boys and tried to get them to forget me. I’ve had days and weeks of uncertainty: is he going to call? Does he like me as me as I like him? Why did he stop talking to me?

Single girl life brought many adventures, but the adventures I’ve been through since I’ve been in a relationship have been more intense, more meaningful.

This past weekend was no exception. I decided to go to the wedding of an old guy friend by myself. Wrong! There were so many things wrong with that, but I at least I’ve learned for the future:

1)       Never go to weddings by yourself when you are in a committed relationship

Done. The list stops there because that alone was enough. I had a good time at the wedding and I’m glad I went. I just wish I would have brought my boyfriend with me. The wedding was a grand event; I wish he had been there to experience with me.

Not to mention, weddings put you “in the mood.” Whatever that “mood” is, a wedding will get you there quicker. If you are feeling sentimental, a wedding will heighten that. If you are feeling sexual, a wedding will stimulate that. If you are feeling frustrated, a wedding will let you know what exactly is frustrating you.

So why would sexually-frustrated, sappy me go to a wedding by myself? The jury is still out on that one…

But the adventures that ensued because of my decision were very interesting.  I found my hormones wanted to be around any person with a pee-pee and my heart only wanted to be around one pee-pee and he was 1,000 miles away in Atlanta. So my heart and my hormones waged a war this weekend—I’m proud to announce that my heart won out! I made it through the entire wedding without losing my mind, my morals, or my man! 

But why even put myself through that?! Classic rookie mistake—I will never go to a wedding without my significant other again! This was an adventure I do not want to repeat.

The Next Phase: Embarking on a Spiritual Journey

Our journey toward building and understanding the significance of our relationship…

Today marks the first day of our journey toward my boyfriend and I really understanding and confirming the role we play in each others’ lives. We believe we play a significant, lasting role; however, we want to be sure of that significance and that duration. Therefore, we are embarking on a spiritual journey toward finding those answers.

The desire to go down this path was sparked by the need for us to figure out where our relationship is going long term. We know we love each other, but we also know we live in different cities. We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we also know we don’t have the financial means to do that at this time. We know that we want to spend every day together, but we also know we would have to sacrifice in order to make that happen. 

Before we start to sacrifice our jobs, friends, living situations, etc., we first thought it would be nice for us to get spiritual counseling. We don’t want to make decisions about the rest of our lives by ourselves. We want guidance, so we are turning to God in order to get that guidance. 

I’m excited to see what we will learn over the next few days, weeks and months of our journey. I’m also eager to see how our relationship will grow and strengthen during this time.   

As we go through this journey, I want to take you, the reader, along. I want you to learn what I’m learning, feel what I’m feeling, and understand what I’m understanding. You all will be our accountability partners and supporters as we really uncover what role our relationship plays and when that role will be realized.

Thanks for coming along with us…!