Realizing Purpose Before Letting "The One" Slip Away

It’s funny how people pop into your life—some are just supposed to be around for a moment; either to teach you a lesson or inspire you. Others stay around for a lifetime, constantly teaching you, inspiring you, motivating you, and energizing you.

…The difficulty is discerning those people who were meant for a moment in time versus those who were meant for the entire journey…

When my boyfriend and I first broke up, I spent many weeks and months trying to convince myself that he and I weren’t “supposed” to be together and that my fantasies of “happily ever after” with him must have been a mistake, a lapse in judgment. I did not have much ammunition to use to attempt to convince myself of this truth except for the fact (or the reality I should say) that we were not together anymore. If we were no longer dating, how could he possibly be “the one” for me? 

As I was trying to persuade myself that he was not the man for me, that there were other men more compatible, that I would find another love, conflicting feelings and thoughts were creeping in telling me otherwise:

I feel guilty—guilty for even looking at another man. Why? We aren’t together anymore, yet I still have that feeling of being taken. My heart is taken. I could find 50 other guys attractive, but at the end of the day, I only see one man. One man that if he wanted to get back together, wanted to start over again, I would come running. I would, without hesitation, go running back to this man because I still love him!

It was those feelings that kept resurfacing during the 1 ½ years that we were broken up that told me that our ending hadn’t been written yet. We were still in the first act and the breakup just represented an obstacle on our journey toward resolving our personal problems. 

During the time we’ve known each other, we have been best friends. We have very similar interests; while at the same time, have differing personality traits. These seemingly “conflicting” traits actually serve as fuel to propel us toward being the best versions of ourselves—where I lack, he shines and vice versa. It’s these things that assure me he is a “lifer”—he serves a purpose for my life. A moment in time wouldn’t be enough time for him to educate and encourage me to the extent to which I know he is capable of doing.  

I truly thank God that we were able to realize our purpose in each other’s lives before we inadvertently cut off a blessing that was meant for a lifetime!

I Can Wait, But I Really Don't Want To

Love is patient. Love waits while he tries to find the find the right career path. Love waits while he tries to find the right basketball shoes. Love is patient, but it is also very impatient. When it comes to the one you love, love waits and is understanding; but when it comes to the two of you being together or living happily ever after, love wants the future to be now. 

I’m in a long-distance relationship right now and it is agonizing. The distance between us seems much greater now than it has ever been, but our love for each other is also greater. There seems to be a direct link between love and proximity—the closer you grow as a couple; the closer you want to be as a couple. Right now we are in that “i-love-you-don’t-ever-leave-me" stage, but we are forced to express that love over the phone. I’m tired of that—we both are.

I’m tired of waiting to see him. I’m tired of waiting to be near him and kiss him.  When you are in love, you shouldn’t have to wait to demonstrate that. Much of love is about impulses and doing things you normally wouldn’t do in the name of love; but the distance between us is destroying the spontaneity. Everything we do must be planned. When I see him, I have to think about it a month in advance. When I want to give you something, I have to give the postal service a week lead time. If I’m feeling lonely, I must suppress it to you come.

Our love can only take this distance and space for so long—it’s aching to break through the limitations that have been placed on it and totally encompass one another.

Love’s patience is wearing thin…

I Know Our Love Is Real....And That's Good Enough For Me

I'm ready to shout it from the mountain tops...

It’s always a tricky situation when you get back together with your ex. It’s not enough to convince yourself that things have changed and are better (which is a feat in and of itself), but you also have to convince your friends and family that things have changed! I’m in the process of attempting to convince people right now; and either I’m not that convincing or they are not that forgiving. Whichever one it is, I’m failing. Therefore, they are failing to see the great MAN my ex is now, the great spiritual leader he has become and the great supporter he continues to be. They fail to see that I didn’t just slip and fall in love with him again, but that I intentionally, but helplessly, leaped into his arms and allowed him to love me and, in return, love him back.

But should I even be trying to convince anyone? Is it enough that I’m convinced that he has changed and I shouldn’t need to work to try to convince anyone else?

I need to be more confident in our love. I need to be more proud to call him my man. I need to stop feeling the need to defend our love and just working on developing our love. The thing is I’m extremely proud of him and see the potential in him; however, because I don’t feel like everyone else sees that, my declaration of love softens when I’m around other people. 

Starting today, I’m going to begin my journey of only speaking positively of our relationships. I only want to affirm our love instead of accommodate the emotions of others. Beginning today, I will stop convincing and start confirming. Confirm the fact that I’m in love, confirm the fact that he is the man I want to be with, confirm the fact that our love is real!

No Question About It... This Is Love

I love him. I do. I love him with a love that I feel within my body, within my soul, within my heart. It’s crazy how much I love this man. But what’s even more extraordinary is that he loves me! I know he loves me—not because he told me, but because he didn’t have to tell me. I feel it. I feel it within my being that he truly wants to be with me and truly adores me. The feel of his love is so strong, so heavy, so lasting that I literally felt the moment it happened. 

I literally felt the moment he let himself love me fully and completely…

I let him in. I finally let him in to my world—my thoughts,  my feelings, my heart.  I let him see all of me—past, present and future. I needed him to see me. I needed him to know all of me and not just the “me” I choose to show people in the moment. So I gave him a magic wand, the secret into the window of my life.  Like the enchanted mirror Beast gave Belle, I was able to give him a secret key that unlocks the shield around my life, my heart. I was able to give him access to me through my writing. 

Through my writing he was able to see me when I was a teenager and trying to understand love. Through my writing he was able to see me as a college student searching for a man to love. Through my writing he was able to see me as a young adult trying to figure out how to love. I read to him excerpts from my journey and he got it. He finally got me. He finally understood that I’m not selfish, I’m scared. I’m not callous, I’m cautious. I’m not indignant, I’m insecure.   

As I’m reading him the story of him, I feel his love radiating through the phone.  In that moment, I changed from his helper to his partner, from his lover to his mate, from his girlfriend to his future wife. In that moment, he understood that my shield wasn’t about him; it was about me and my insecurities. Once I showed him that, I felt his love radiate fully; which, in turn, melted away my insecurities—in an instant…

I’ve never felt love from a man the way he has been pouring out his love. I truly feel blessed to have a love like this!

Great Expectations

This moment was everything I’d dreamt it be—you were everything I’d hoped you would be…

I came into town with such high expectations of the weekend. What would it be like to see you again? What would it sound like to hear your voice again? What would it feel like to embrace again? So many questions were whizzing around in my head. 

We had started talking on the phone again over the last few weeks—seeing if we should establish a relationship again. We clearly still loved each other; that was evident in our tone. However, had anything changed? If we weren’t able to make our relationship work the first time around, would we be able to make it work this time? We decided to give it a try, but first we needed to be around each other, see each other, be in each other's presence, figure out if we really had something worth saving. So I decided to travel there (which in and of itself was a big step, because we live so far apart) and give “us” a try.

On the plane, these questions were popping up in my head…so many “what ifs” and “hows” and “what does that mean”...  I was driving myself crazy. I always feel like I have to have the answer for everything and that’s not always possible. But that was making me even more anxious, more eager and more confused. With each minute that passed and with each mile I traveled, my emotions were elevating. I felt a lot of pressure—everything was riding on how things went this weekend. This weekend could make or break my whole life! I know this sounds dramatic, but that’s what my emotions were telling me as I was getting closer and closer to seeing you.

I finally arrived to my destination.  But I had to wait for you to pick me up, which was even more agonizing! “I’ll be there in 10 minutes," you said. You said that statement in a nonchalant tone. And any other day, any other time, any other moment, 10 minutes would be no big deal. But it’s not any other day, time or moment—it’s right now. Right now I’m trying to figure out if we still have something, right now I’m trying to figure out if I have a boyfriend again. Right now I’m trying to figure out what my “happily ever ending" will be. 

But I have no choice but to wait. So I wait. Which is what I’ve been doing for the last year and a half since we broke up. I’ve been waiting—waiting for you to figure out what you wanted, waiting for you to figure out who you are, waiting for you to realize that I’m what you wanted. So I wait…10 more minutes…

Questions…so many questions whizzing, whirling, turning in my head…UNTIL….there you are. I see you! My heart stutters, my lips curl up in a smile, my breath is quick and deep at the same time. My body knows what my mind doesn’t…it knows the answers to my questions. As soon as I saw you, I knew. 

What would it be like to see you again? What would it sound like to hear your voice again? What would it feel like to embrace again?  It would feel…it did feel…RIGHT!