Feeling and Connection

My Truth about Relationships: More feeling and less thinking!

I realized tonight that I have been doing much thinking in my relationship and not as much feeling.  I was talking with another couple, and they were discussing how they feel spiritually connected.  Not "spiritually connected" in the cliche' kind of way, but truly connected in the kind of way where they actually feel what the other one is feeling.  They feel the energy of the other one and literally take on the emotion that the other one is feeling.

After I got past the "really?" stage, I actually thought what the couple was describing was beautiful and decided that was what I want to have with my boyfriend.  Over the time that my boyfriend and I have been dating, the deep feelings have faded to more of a dull touch.  This is not to say that we don't love each other, but it is to say that we have allowed the passion to decline.  But what I learned from this couple is that passion does not have to decline.  Passion is a choice. It is a choice because it stems from being open, being vulnerable, being honest, being real, being YOU.  A person must choose to be all those things and trust that their partner will reciprocate.  It's once both people are choosing to be raw that passion reveals itself.

I'm ready to rekindle my passion, but I'm also a bit uncomfortable with "going all in."  I'm a bit uncomfortable with really exposing myself to my boyfriend.  He obviously knows me, but I'm talking about exposing the things that I second guess saying to him; the things that I second guess doing.

Join me on my journey toward getting comfortable with feeling.

What More Could You Want?

Is it enough to have a man that loves you or does he need to be in love with you?

Is it enough that he cooks you dinner or does he need to make all your favorite meals?

Is it enough that you’ve met all his friends or should you have met his parents too?

Is it enough that he has a job or does he need to work in Corporate America?

Is it enough that he has his own place or does he need to own that place too?

Is it enough that he spends money on you or does he need to be able to buy you all the nicest things?

Is it enough that he has a car or does he need to have a luxury car?

Is it enough that he cares about you or does he need to have a plan for your lives together?

Is it enough that he wants to marry you or does he need to be popping the question tomorrow?

Is it enough that he has a plan for his week or does he need to have goals and plans for his life?

Is it enough that he spends time with you or does he need to spend all his time with you?

Is it enough that you and he have the same basic morals and values or do you need to be lock-step on all issues?

Is it enough that you can tolerate his family or do you need to address his mother as “mom”?

Is it enough that he isn’t out of shape or does he need to have a ripped, bulging biceps?

Is it enough that deep down he is everything you’ve ever wanted or do you need to know something more?

What more could you want?...

Everything's Back in Focus

I feel different today—I feel differently about my boyfriend.  I feel like my love for him has finally graduated to the next level.  I can’t explain it, but something is definitely different. 

I have a renewed focus on our relationship and want to do things to make him happy.  I have more security in our relationship and feel excited about where we are going.

But it can’t all be roses and sunshine—there has to be a catch.  Every time I start to get comfortable in a relationship, something happens to tell me, don’t get too comfortable, don’t let your guard down, don’t lose yourself.  So I’m waiting for that “something” to happen.  I’m waiting for the ball to drop, the bomb to go off, the mystery to be revealed. 

But by waiting for something bad to happen, will I inadvertently create something bad?  Will I be looking so hard for that “something” to appear that it magically yet irrevocably shows its face? 

I want this happy moment to last, I do. And I will do what I need to do in order to make it stay.  However, what I’m realizing is that I’m usually the issue, the “something.”  It’s me that usually sabotages our happiness.  So I need to save our relationship from me.

I need to not drop the ball.  I need to not set off the bomb.  I need to not uncover a mystery.  It’s on me…I’m my own worst enemy.

So with that in mind, I’m going to do my best to get out of my own way.  I’m done sabotaging my relationship.  I love this feeling I have now toward my relationship and I want to make it stay.

They say “awareness” is the first step to recovery, so I’m on my way to be a recovered “relationship sabotager”!  I wish there was a meeting for us, cause I’m not sure I can sustain this on my own forever!  : /

Drifting Away

Photo by Rick Sampson

I feel myself pulling away from you. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure when, but I definitely am.  I don’t feel as close to you.  The love is still there, but the emotion is not. 

I have this strong sense right now that I need to focus on me.  I need to be all about me.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have you around or that I don’t want you around, but I can’t continue to focus solely on you.  I have to start living for me.

I’m so exhausted and worn out with my life—I need to start doing things that make me happy, that bring life back into my life.  And right now, you are dragging me down.  I’m so concerned with your issues and your problems, that it’s consuming me and my disposition.  I feel as though I have your same issues and that’s not the case.  At least, I can’t let it be the case. 

My emotions have no time to be carrying the burdens of two people.  I have enough happening in my own life that I need to start paying attention to.  We can’t keep having two people focused on you and no one focused on me.  That’s not fair. 

I need to get my life back to a level of fairness…I need balance.  I need to be happy. 

Being without you does not make me happy, so that’s not what I want.  But I’m not sure how to get happiness in my life when I’m focused on you.   

So I’m going to need to be selfish for a while as I focus on the things that I enjoy.  I’m going to start saying “no” to people and start doing what I want to do to bring me joy. 

I need to pull away from you a bit and start pulling in more of myself.

The Mystery We Call Love

Love is a mysterious thing—it cannot be explained, it cannot be defined, it cannot be rationalized, it cannot be described.  Love is a feeling—it just is.  It’s just there.  Love has no timeframe.  It has no constraints.  Love is just present—it just shows up; sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes unwarranted, sometimes unmotivated.  Love doesn’t follow the rules; in fact, it often breaks them. 

Love doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t make common sense, but somehow knows what’s best for you.  Love looks past the superficial—love doesn’t care what a person does, what a person looks like, what a person’s goals are, what a person’s background is.  Love only cares about who a person is today. ..how it feels about that person right now. 

Love cannot be summed up in words…so when my boyfriend asks me why I love him, it’s hard for me to answer, because it’s just a feeling—it’s what is.  It’s hard for me to describe to him the feeling of comfort I get when he’s lying next to me.  It’s hard for me to explain the feeling of loneliness when I haven’t seen or talked to him in a while.  It’s hard for me to explain the confidence I feel when I look at him. 

I can’t explain a feeling, which sometimes makes it hard to tell others why I like him so much or why we are still together, or why he is the man for me. 

Love doesn’t allow for why’s—only who’s.  Love chooses the person to attach itself to and tries not to let go.  Love finds the object of its affection and doesn’t have time to explain it, describe it, rationalize it, or define it.  So I’m going to stop trying. 

Who I choose to love is a mystery—let’s just leave it at that…

Bittersweet Temptation

While on this journey of living in love, I find that more and more hurdles come my way. These hurdles are often in the form of men. Other men may cross my path, causing me to look away from my end goal, which is my boyfriend. I don’t actually venture off the path and start following this distraction; I just glance over that direction.

But sometimes that glance is enough to divert my thoughts.  I begin to lose focus of the end goal and start thinking about other possibilities.  I don’t actually want to pursue those other possibilities; I just like to think about them.  They are harmless thoughts…just enough to make sure that my end goal is definitely what I want.

It almost enables me to appreciate the end goal a bit more.  When I’m fully aware of the other men that are out there, I can better affirm that the one I have is the right one for me.  It lets me know that my boyfriend is not just great because he’s the only one out there and I love him, but he’s great because he’s better for me than anyone else that is out there.

But I must admit, sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that these distractions aren’t better than the end goal.  In the moment, sometimes I forget that my boyfriend is really good for me, and I allow myself to get distracted by men who are not-so-good for me.  But these distractions are so tricky—they disguise themselves to be more than what they are.  So once they take off their mask, you find that they are not who you thought. 

What I keep learning is that my boyfriend—in all his flaws—is better for me than all the distractions (even the cute ones).  So while it’s okay to look, it’s definitely not worth while touching!

A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 

You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

Faith vs. Foolishness

Faith. How much should you believe in a relationship before you decide it’s too much?  Should you continue to walk blindly toward an end goal that is not visible?  When do we know when it’s time to turn around and walk the other way in order to avoid falling off the ledge?

I feel like I’m dangerously close to the ledge, but every time I go to take another step closer, I somehow have solid ground to walk on.  Every time I feel like I’m at my breaking point, I get renewed energy and renewed love that enables me to continue on the journey.

I’m just not sure how long the ground will hold up—how long will I be able to endure this uncertainty.  Each day, each moment in our relationship is uncertain, unknown.  We know we still want to be together, but we don’t know when is it time to take the next step, when should we move to the same city, how long will our current situation last, and so on.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and that scares me.  BUT the fact that I’m willing to stick around to see what’s on tap for tomorrow brings him certainty.  The fact that I’m willing to go with the flow and jump through any and all hoops in order to make our relationship work makes him feel secure.

I also feel secure in him but insecure in our situation; which is where the faith comes in. 

I just need to balance faith with foolishness.  I don’t want to believe so much in the relationship that I’m missing something right in front of my face. 

Like they say, "Love is blind."  I just hope this blind love doesn’t cause me to fall…

The Soundtrack of My Life

“I miss you” is the soundtrack to my life right now.  When I wake up in the morning, “I miss you.”  When I come home from work, “I missed you so much today.”  When I go to bed at night, “I really do miss you.” 

This soundtrack had been playing on repeat and I’m getting tired of the tune.  I’m so tired of the “miss yous” and “miss you toos.”  I’m tired of you saying those words to me. 

I resent you for missing me.  Not because I don’t miss you too, but because it makes me feel bad.  Your missing me makes me feel like I should do something about it, like I should solve it, like I should alleviate the hurt that missing me causes you.

At the same time that you are missing me, I am missing you but I’m more concerned about your feelings.  I’m concerned about how you feel and about making sure you don’t feel that way for long.  But what I’m realizing is that my concern is overpowering your concern.  Meaning, you don’t seem to be too concerned about missing me because you aren’t doing anything about it.  You are doing a lot of talking and not a lot of action.

The direct solution to missing someone is to get near that person.  You tell me you miss me so much, but you have yet to do anything about it.

I think we are so used to missing each other that neither one of us knows how to change that.  We know what to do, but not how to do it. 

We need to get out of our comfort zone and start making moves.  We talk about it every day, but stop that conversation when it gets to the part about who is going to move and when they are going to move. 

So what now? 

We will see, but as long as we are just replaying the same song over and over, we will never move to the next playlist of our lives.  

The Love We Share

The fullness of my love is pushing, pulling, pounding, gushing, throbbing, pulsing, rumbling to break through the walls of my heart.  This love is so intense, so rich, so immense that it’s overwhelming.

This love I have for you smoothes out rough edges of our relationship. This love I have for you tunes out the criticism of the critical.  This love I have for you creates a new world for you and me—a world where it’s just you and I.  A world where we don’t have to answer to anyone or apologize for anything.  A world where the issues we have are the ones we create.  Not issues that have been forced upon us due to circumstance, situation or lifestyle. 

This love is a peace maker and a problem solver.  It’s strives to make our world and our relationship without blemish or fault.  It strives for perfection in an imperfect world, for fairness in an unfair world, for purity in an impure world.  This love radiates the love from our relationship onto the rest of the world.  

This love, though separated from its source, is powerful.  It’s strong and its ready to be freed from the constraints around it.  Like a magnet, it will use as much force as necessary to be united with it’s other half. 

The throbbing desire to be reunited is getting more and more intense.  There were many things prohibited the two sources of this love from meeting, but those barriers are getting more and more trivial. 

This love can only manage to be away from its source for so long. 

Lost

We are lost in our relationship. We are swimming, swarming, swirling—trying to make sense of our relationship. Every time we feel as if we have a strong foothold, a balanced sense of gravity; something comes and knocks us off balance.

And that “something” (whatever it may be) always comes at inconvenient moments. That “something” comes when we least expect it, when things are going well, when we are on cloud nine. That “something” has a way of detecting joy and conveniently inserting itself in the weakest areas of our relationship.

That “something” for us is plane tickets and travel. It is essential to our long-distance relationship that we see each other at least once a month. If we go even a week beyond that, we start feeling it in our relationship. We start getting frustrated more easily and start getting snippier with each other. Well, this month when we went to buy our plane tickets, they were very expensive. And not regular-level expensive, but $600 expensive!

That expense was the “something” that broke the camels’ back. That “something” found its way into the weak parts of our relationship—money and distance.

From there, we were knocked to the ground, scrambling to get up. But we didn’t know which way was up.  We became frustrated with each other but we were really frustrated with the circumstances. We wanted to blame the world, but could only blame ourselves. 

So in an instance cloud nine became rock bottom. Walking on sunshine became living in the trenches. It wasn’t necessarily about the plane tickets, the tickets were just the catalyst. What we were really frustrated with was the fact that we are still living far apart from each other after, that neither one of us is willing to sacrifice our lives in our respective cities, and that neither one of us has the means to quit our jobs and move anywhere. 

So we are trying to find our footing again. Trying to make sense of our relationship, but it’s only a matter of time before “something” comes and knocks us back down…

The Answer I've Been Looking For

I love you. But you make me so mad sometimes! I love you, but you get on my nerves sometimes. You annoy me sometimes. You frustrate me sometimes. You upset me sometimes. BUT, I love you. 

Sometimes I think you could measure love by how much the other person frustrates you. I say that because if they frustrate you and you still want to be around them, that must demand a high level of love. 

My boyfriend upsets me, but he also understands me. My boyfriend frustrates me, but he also frees me. My boyfriend annoys me, but he also answers me. He answers my question. My question of what man will love me the way I deserve to be loved. The question of who is the man for me. The question of who will I spend the rest of my life with. He answers all those questions—he is the answer.

But sometimes the answer isn’t always understood. Meaning, other people don’t always understand that he is the one for me. And, frankly, I’m not sure why. But I’m also not sure why or if I should care. I guess I just want my answer to be everyone’s answer. I want everyone around us to know that he is the absolute right one for me. I don’t want to have to defend my answer. 

Defending my answer makes me second guess my answer. It’s like when someone asks you something, you can give a definitive answer until they start asking you all the follow-up questions and the "whys." Then you start second guessing yourself, and back tracking, and justifying.  I don’t want to do those things when it comes to my relationship. 

Therefore, through the frustration and through the hard times, I love him. He is my best friend, my supporter, my comedian, my partner—my answer.