The Infinite Wisdom of Grandparents

Simply put, my grandfather’s perspective on relationships is, “When you see something you want, you better get it before it’s gone!”

That’s what my grandfather was thinking when he proposed to my grandmother 60 years ago at the age of 21 (she was 19).  They had both grown up on farms in the small city of Unadilla, Georgia.  They had known of each other’s families growing up and started dating once they were adults.  After dating for just a few months, my grandfather proposed.  He knew what he wanted.

Sixty years later, he’s sitting beside his 26-year-old granddaughter who has been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years, and he asks me, “So why aren’t you married yet?”

I chuckle because that’s a very loaded question.  It catches me off guard because we hadn’t been talking about relationships or anything like that. I pause and I respond simply, “Because no one has asked me.” 

Apparently, that was an insufficient response because he nodded his head and said, “Well, the next time I see him, I’m going to ask him what is taking so long.”

I smiled to myself.  I love the fact that my grandfather is going to ask the magic question that I’ve been wanting to ask.  My 82-year-old grandfather is going to ask my 24-year-old boyfriend, why it’s taking him so long to propose to a young woman he’s been dating for some time now!

I love the picture that the image paints in my mind and I’m also eager to hear how my boyfriend responds.  My boyfriend is of the mindset that the situation has to be “right” before he proposes.  But my grandfather would say that if you spend time waiting for a “right” time, you might lose out on a “right” woman.

My grandfather saw in my grandmother the qualities that he wanted in a wife and 60 years later they are still together…he just wants the same thing for his granddaughter; because what he would also say (in his infinite wisdom) is that if a man is making you wait too long, you need to move on!

What More Could You Want?

Is it enough to have a man that loves you or does he need to be in love with you?

Is it enough that he cooks you dinner or does he need to make all your favorite meals?

Is it enough that you’ve met all his friends or should you have met his parents too?

Is it enough that he has a job or does he need to work in Corporate America?

Is it enough that he has his own place or does he need to own that place too?

Is it enough that he spends money on you or does he need to be able to buy you all the nicest things?

Is it enough that he has a car or does he need to have a luxury car?

Is it enough that he cares about you or does he need to have a plan for your lives together?

Is it enough that he wants to marry you or does he need to be popping the question tomorrow?

Is it enough that he has a plan for his week or does he need to have goals and plans for his life?

Is it enough that he spends time with you or does he need to spend all his time with you?

Is it enough that you and he have the same basic morals and values or do you need to be lock-step on all issues?

Is it enough that you can tolerate his family or do you need to address his mother as “mom”?

Is it enough that he isn’t out of shape or does he need to have a ripped, bulging biceps?

Is it enough that deep down he is everything you’ve ever wanted or do you need to know something more?

What more could you want?...

Needing My Partner In My Relationship

I’m over it. I’m over him saying one thing and doing another. Or better yet, saying one thing and not doing anything at all.

Just when I think we’ve made progress in our relationship and moving toward doing what is best for the relationship, something happens that pushes us further apart. And I can’t help but think he is the culprit–I can’t help but think he is pushing us apart. He is not intentionally being destructive to our relationship, but ignorantly. He doesn’t know that his apathy is sabotaging us. 

But intentional or not, I’ve reached my breaking point.  Something must change—his apathy is affecting my happiness.

He rarely follows through with what he says he’s going to do and when he does follow through, it’s only because I’ve asked and reminded him three or four times. He does not take action until something bad has already happened. 

I am over it.

The lack of action and “extra” in our relationship is leading to the demise of the relationship.  You can’t sustain a healthy relationship if you aren’t feeding it and nurturing it.  He and I go on day after day doing the same old things.  We do not add any pizzazz or spice to the relationship.  The relationship is getting boring and we need something to bring us out of our funk, because…

I am over it!

I’m to blame as well; I understand that. But I cannot do something about the relationship by myself. I need help. I want his help. I want him to be by my side, to be my partner. 

I want us to be in it together. 

Relationship Communication 101

Photo by Kriss Szkurlatowski

Does your man make a bad day better or worse?

I think that’s the litmus test for whether you are in a healthy relationship or not—whether he can turn around your bad day or make it even worse.

A man who can make you laugh or take your mind off things is a man who has cracked the code to a woman’s mind.  Because we get inside our own heads a lot and start overthinking things and over analyzing things, and sometimes we need someone to just grab us out of that mental meltdown and bring us back to reality.

But many times men can’t be that hero.  Many times men can’t make you smile in those situations.  In fact, it seems like men have this special power that makes them extra annoying when you’re going through something.  They seem to know just the thing to say that you didn’t want to hear. 

I see it with couples all the time.  The girl is having a bad day and she would rather talk to her mom and a girl friend instead of talking to her boyfriend.  Why? Because testosterone says and does stupid stuff.  And the girl doesn’t want to be bothered with that stupid stuff at that time.

So how do we fix the stupidity?  How do we educate men on what to say and not say on bad days?  Here are a few suggestions of things not to say:

·        “That doesn’t make any sense—why do you feel that way?”

·        “I just don’t understand what’s the big deal.”

·        “You need to calm down.”

·        Any phrase that generalizes or stereotypes women: “you women…”

There are many, many more, but those are the big ones that men should avoid. 

I believe all women should start helping men instead of criticizing them so they can be the men we need them to be on a daily basis, and especially on those not-so-perfect days. 

Falling In Love Again

I fell in love with you all over again last night. You never cease to surprise and amaze me. And it’s not the big things that impress me, but the little things. The little things you do that show you care or show you remember are what really tell me you love me.

It was something as little as me not having to remind you to pick something up for me that threw me over the edge. I fell over the edge in love with you just because you remembered to do something!  But that’s the way love works—love celebrates the finest of details. 

Love notices the little details that occur. The different way you look at me. The extra time you spend preparing for a special occasion. The tighter grasp you have on my hand as we are walking down the street. The warm smile you give me as you are introducing me to people.

Love notices and appreciates the things that infatuation and lust would never observe. Infatuation is more superficial, more obvious. Infatuation sees your brown eyes and appreciates how beautiful and soft they are. Love sees your brown eyes and allows those brown eyes to peer deeply into me and expose my core, my most vulnerable state. Lust feels the touch of your hand and  I immediately get chills down the spine, while love feels the touch of your hand and allows those hands to comfort and protect me from harm. Love is about how I feel when I am with you and what that feeling enables me to do. The feeling of love enables me to expose myself—my flaws, insecurities, strengths and weaknesses. 

Just when I think I have you and me figured out, something you do surprises me and makes me fall even deeper in love, which I didn’t think was possible!

Out of Control...But in a Good Way

You make my day—you make my day better, brighter and bigger. You have a way of seeping into my core and filling me up with joy. You permeate my being and cause me to explode with delight from the inside out.

And it’s the little things you do that cause me to feel so overwhelmed with joy.  It’s the way you send me little pictures and notes throughout the day. It’s the way you describe how beautiful I am to you. It’s the way you make me laugh—laugh so hard that I can’t control myself. Two days ago, I literally hit the car in front of me because I was laughing so hard about something you said.  My hysterical laughing while at the red light caused me to let my foot off the break a bit and roll into the car in front of me. Luckily it didn’t cause any damage to the person’s car, but this is what you do to me—you cause me to lose control. 

I feel out of control when I’m around you; like I’m operating purely on emotion as opposed to thought. I’m love drunk—I’m not making clear decisions. All the decisions I’m making are with my heart and not my head; which may be a good thing…

My heart experiences things deeper. It makes ordinary things seem superb, like a fantasy. My world when I’m with you is filled with unicorns and rainbows and care bears! Clouds in the shape of hearts are floating around in the sky and all day I just bounce around from one cushy surface to the next. 

You make my day better because I’ve finally allowed you to impact my days. I’m so glad I’ve finally opened my heart up to you because the wonder and glee I see and feel is something I would never want to escape. 

Really Feelin' the Love

When you feel loved, it makes the world look different. It makes you feel things that you’ve never felt before, see things that you’ve never seen before, hear things that you’ve never heard before. 

When you feel loved, it makes the people around you look different. It makes you see the beauty in individual people. It makes you appreciate the unique characteristics and traits of each person, makes you see the good in people versus the bad.

When you feel loved, it makes nature look different. It makes the green grass look more brilliant, the blue sky look richer and the colorful birds look more extraordinary. Love makes something natural look supernatural.

When you feel loved, it makes you look different. It makes you have a radiance about you, and energy that’s tangible. Love makes you lighter on your feet; it makes you have a sunny disposition.

When you feel loved…

I am loved and I feel wonderful. In fact, wonderful doesn’t really express the warmth, comfort and confidence I feel. I feel beautiful in my own skin. I feel like I don’t have to apologize for any of my flaws. I feel like there is perfection in my imperfection. I feel like there is always happy, peaceful music playing in my head and the world around me is singing the same tune! I feel like all the positive energy in the world is contagious and I’ve caught the virus. I’m lovesick. 

I feel loved and I’m in love with you…

The Language of Love

What is your language of love? How do you communicate love to your partner? 

My boyfriend and I are trying to figure out the answer to that question right now. I’ve always thought I liked to receive love through words of affirmation—I like to hear "I love you" and like to hear sweet things. However, because of the nature of our relationship, love is only being expressed through words and I’m now feeling as if I want to receive love in other ways as well. 

Conversely, my boyfriend likes to receive love through physical touch, so when we are unable to be around each other, he doesn’t feel as loved. So in order to receive the love he needs, he puts more emphasis on words of affirmation.  Then, when we are able to be around each other, he seemingly overcompensates on the physical touch in an attempt to make up for the weeks of no touch he has received. 

So in the beginning of our relationship, we were giving and receiving love in the same language—words of affirmation.  However, as the weeks and months have gone on, I’m no longer as satisfied with just words and also am yearning for the quality time. I need to know I am a priority in his life—not just because he says it, but because he shows it. Therefore, since this language shift has occurred, I find that there is more tension between the two of us because he wants me to continue to express my love through words and expressions, and I want him to express his love through giving of time. I want him to schedule time in the evenings for us to talk on the phone, I want him to randomly come visit me one weekend and I want him to find things that we can do over the phone to better connect with each other. I know that he cares and loves me, but I just need it demonstrated outside of the traditional way.

The languages of love are simple to understand, but complicated to execute.  But when couples are communicating love and affection in the same way, it does elevate the status and meaning of the relationship and better allows a couple to grow together rather than apart.

So what is your language of love?