Shaken by the Past

I'm looking ahead on my journey...no more looking back!

Yesterday, I ran into someone I used to date. Physically, I kept it moving—didn’t pause, didn’t look back, didn’t miss a step. But mentally, I was a bit rattled.  I didn’t expect to see him; I hadn’t seen him since we had stopped talking…

We had stopped talking so abruptly that I always imagined that if I ever saw him again I would have so many questions, so many things to say, so many things to get off my mind. But when I actually saw him, I had nothing to say. It wasn’t worth it—I didn’t care. In that moment, I was so happy with myself and with my life that it didn’t matter why this person did the things he did. I didn’t feel like absorbing the negative energy of a past relationship; drowning myself in the “what ifs” and the “how comes.”

It didn’t matter.  In that moment, the thing I felt good about is that I have a man who loves me; who wouldn’t hurt me; and who’s here for the long run. I have the absolute right man for me and this man that I had just run into was just a step in the journey toward finding that right man. 

But, I must admit, even with being so in love with my boyfriend and knowing that he’s the right one for me…my emotions did go haywire for a bit when I saw him.  We were walking toward each other and I didn’t know if I was supposed to smile or be mean, if I should wave or not move, if I should stop and talk or keep walking…

So many questions, but in the end, I think I did the exact right thing and kept it moving. And that’s just it…you got to keep it moving. You can’t look in your past and try to analyze it or try to make it better than what it was. It’s in the past for a reason.

I needed to look ahead of me and get to where I was going…so that’s what I’ve done.

That Special Kind of Attention

Attention is addictive. I crave it, yearn for it. I need it. But not just any attention, I need attention from a man. And not just any man, I need attention from my man. 

I need him to show me that he not only loves me, but he is still drawn to me and attracted to me. Attraction is a feeling that can’t be expressed in words.  Attraction isn’t forced, it can’t be made up; it just is. When my boyfriend and I are around each other, we are highly attracted to one another, but we don’t know how to show that feeling when we are apart. And that feeling is what I crave. I thirst for attention, for that feeling of attraction, but I’ve been stripped of that feeling. I’m dehydrated, but I didn’t know my thirst wasn’t being quenched until I got a taste of that attraction yesterday. 

I was dropping my car off at the car shop, and I could have sworn the car service guy was flirting with me. And as soon as I got a taste of that flirtation, my “female-ness” perked up and started grasping for more. You don’t know what you’re missing if you’re not getting it. Before yesterday, I was content to live life, go to work, talk to my boyfriend over the phone and go to bed. After yesterday, I’m not content with that anymore. I need the attention, the energy, the feeling of a man every day. My “female-ness” needs to interact with his “male-ness” so I can truly feel loved and wanted. I’ve gotten a taste of the drug and can’t turn back now. 

This is a dangerous place to be in because I’m craving something that’s not easily accessible (at least, not with the person I want the attention from). Women have been known to do crazy things for the attention of a guy and I’m not quite ready to go to that level. But, who knows, if I don’t get some attention soon, I might have to start making spontaneous trips to Atlanta where my boyfriend live—because this craving know no bounds! 

Does Every Rollercoaster Have to Drop?

Up, down, up down—I’m getting sick. I feel like I’m on a ride that I can’t get off of. It’s like we go as high as we can emotionally and then come rushing back down. Is it possible to have a steady pace of high emotions or are humans just equipped to crave the drops? 

It’s like being on a roller coaster—the whole time you inch your way forward, higher and higher, in anticipation of the drop. You’re scared of the drop, but long for it all at the same time. And the whole time leading up to the drop, you have a feeling of satisfaction with expectation—you know the drop is coming but you’re glad it hasn’t come yet. The expectation is so thick that it somewhat overpowers the feeling of contentment you have going higher and higher. The whole way up, you’re getting your mind, body and emotions ready to endure the drop. And once the drop happens, you do a few more twists and turns and the ride is over. You never end on top.

That’s how I feel relationships are sometimes—a journey toward the drop.  Relationships only end one of two ways—marriage or breakup, success or failure, inching higher or dropping instantly. 

My boyfriend and I have done the drop—twice. This time, we are looking to stay on top. Of course, we are going to have some smaller hills, here and there; our cart may stall on the way up, but our minds, bodies and emotions can’t handle any more major drops. But because we’ve never finished this portion of the ride without coming to a drop, I question whether this particular ride is going to be different. 

We both want it to be different—we are two different riders now than when we got on this ride two years ago. We can better handle the small ups and downs and see them for what they are. But we’re both investing a lot of time and energy into this relationship in the hopes that this time will be different. It feels different, but we just never know which one of these little hills could take us off course and make us lose sight of what we want—which is to keep inching our way up. 

Putting the Spark Back Into Your Relationship

What’s the key to keeping the spark in a relationship? When the honeymoon phase is over, how do you ensure the passion remains?

When relationships transform from leisure into work, a shift occurs within the dynamics of the couple’s interactions where they start to become complacent and bored. They are not turned on as easily as before—they fall into the “danger zone” called status quo.

When you are in the “danger zone,” the way your man touches you or tries to tickle you, is annoying instead of cute. When you’re in the “danger zone,” the random, erratic way your man breathes when he sleeps is irritating instead of endearing. When you are in the “danger zone,” the cute little things you used to do to get your man’s attention just seem like overkill now.

The “danger zone” is ridden with eroding relationships, dissatisfied couples and jaded individuals. The “danger zone” is a place of forced acceptance of your reality.

When I come in contact with couples in the dreaded zone, I am saddened. I am saddened because here are two individuals who were once in love, but have let life get in the way of like. They have fallen into the trap of thinking lack of affection, lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of spontaneity and lack of intimacy are just the natural evolutions of relationships. But, really, those things are present in a relationship that has been taken for granted. When couples begin to assume the other will always be around or assume they don’t have to do anything extra anymore since they are married, or assume that the passion doesn’t need to be there as long as the love is there; that’s when they may begin assuming the title of “ex.” 

Couples need to start working toward a healthy relationship to enhance the love instead of letting an unhealthy relationship erode the love. 

The Power of Love

Love truly is powerful—it can make you do things that are seemingly out of character for you. Love can transform your mood or perspective on life. Love can encourage you, motivate you and persuade you. Love can put a rosy outlook on a bad situation. 

Love can do many things…but what Love cannot do is take away the little things that annoy you. Love can mask those little things for awhile, try to pretend like those little annoyances do not exist; but it cannot eliminate them completely.  And unfortunately, the one you love the most ends up being the one that can get you to that “annoyed” state the quickest. 

My boyfriend’s ANNOYING QUALITY OF THE WEEK is that he refuses to get a new cell phone charger. A couple months back, he misplaced his phone charger and has been using his car charger to charge his phone battery. Normally, I wouldn’t get upset over such a minor detail because at least he still has a method by which to charge his phone (i.e. the car); HOWEVER, it’s not that simple because his lack of a wall charger is impacting our relationship. It all came to a head one night when I thought he must be dead:

I’m sitting at home Wednesday evening watching TV when I get a text from my boyfriend saying he is on his way home and will call me within the hour. One hour goes by—no call. Thirty more minutes, still nothing. I don’t worry about it because I just figured it was taking him a bit longer than he expected to get home. Two hours now have gone by and I decide to text him: “Where are you”?  No response. Texts, calls, more texts—no response. At this point, 2 hours and 37 minutes go by and I’m thinking the worse.  Did something happen? Did he get in an accident? I hope he is okay. God, please let him by okay. Somewhere in the midst of worrying I fall asleep on the couch and am awaken at 3 in the morning by a phone call. My boyfriend is on the other line apologizing. I’m sorry, blah blah blah. I accidentally let my phone on the charger in my car and fell asleep.

So…all this time I’m thinking something awful has happened to him and he was just charging his phone! I was SUPER annoyed…and still am a little bit…

Clearly I still love him and my feelings for him have not changed. BUT my love for him was not able to overcome the extreme level of annoyance I had in that instance. 

Love is powerful—but not powerful enough!

Realizing Purpose Before Letting "The One" Slip Away

It’s funny how people pop into your life—some are just supposed to be around for a moment; either to teach you a lesson or inspire you. Others stay around for a lifetime, constantly teaching you, inspiring you, motivating you, and energizing you.

…The difficulty is discerning those people who were meant for a moment in time versus those who were meant for the entire journey…

When my boyfriend and I first broke up, I spent many weeks and months trying to convince myself that he and I weren’t “supposed” to be together and that my fantasies of “happily ever after” with him must have been a mistake, a lapse in judgment. I did not have much ammunition to use to attempt to convince myself of this truth except for the fact (or the reality I should say) that we were not together anymore. If we were no longer dating, how could he possibly be “the one” for me? 

As I was trying to persuade myself that he was not the man for me, that there were other men more compatible, that I would find another love, conflicting feelings and thoughts were creeping in telling me otherwise:

I feel guilty—guilty for even looking at another man. Why? We aren’t together anymore, yet I still have that feeling of being taken. My heart is taken. I could find 50 other guys attractive, but at the end of the day, I only see one man. One man that if he wanted to get back together, wanted to start over again, I would come running. I would, without hesitation, go running back to this man because I still love him!

It was those feelings that kept resurfacing during the 1 ½ years that we were broken up that told me that our ending hadn’t been written yet. We were still in the first act and the breakup just represented an obstacle on our journey toward resolving our personal problems. 

During the time we’ve known each other, we have been best friends. We have very similar interests; while at the same time, have differing personality traits. These seemingly “conflicting” traits actually serve as fuel to propel us toward being the best versions of ourselves—where I lack, he shines and vice versa. It’s these things that assure me he is a “lifer”—he serves a purpose for my life. A moment in time wouldn’t be enough time for him to educate and encourage me to the extent to which I know he is capable of doing.  

I truly thank God that we were able to realize our purpose in each other’s lives before we inadvertently cut off a blessing that was meant for a lifetime!