All About Me

Today…it’s all about me and celebrating who I am.  Today, I’m not someone’s girlfriend, I’m not someone’s friend, I’m not someone’s daughter.  Today, I’m me—all by myself!  

Today, I say “I do what I want!”  I go where I want to go, I say what I want to say, I live how I want to live.  Today, I don’t do anything that my boyfriend wants or doesn’t want to do.  Today is about me. 

Today, I don’t have to worry whether I was too mean or too nice, too quiet or too loud, too excited or too calm. Today’s I don’t have to worry about how I come across to other people.  Because today—I truly don’t care.  Today, I care about me.

I care about who I am, what I like to do, what I like to eat, and what I like watch—all of it.  Today, I’m only surrounding myself around the people I want to be around.  I’m not playing nice today and I’m not being someone I’m not.  Today, I’m being me.

Today, I’m going to be confident in who I am as a person and not try to live up to other people’s expectations.  Today, who you want me to be and what you want me to do doesn’t matter.  Today, the only person I listen to is me.  No one else has my best interests in mind like I do.  Today, I only think of me. 

Today, I remember all the unique qualities of me.  All the things that make me different versus everyone else.  All the things that let me know that I was created for a reason.  Today is the day that I embrace those qualities, those mannerisms, those traits. Today, I embrace me.

Today is the day that I feel so blessed.  Blessed to be me…with all my flaws, all my weaknesses, all my blemishes…just me!   

Longevity

Does love last forever? According to my 100-year-old grandmother, it does.  Her husband passed away 20 years ago, and yet she still had a lifetime with him. A lifetime filled with endless love, an abounding friendship and an assured mindset. Their love was unquestionable, which made it even more amazing. Their love lasted from life until death.

“...until death do us part…”  But to hear my grandmother tell it, their souls have still never parted. She calls him her lover, she kisses his picture everyday, she relives fond moments with him in her mind. She keeps his spirit alive in her heart. They truly have a love that has lasted forever (at least, their version of forever)!

But do those kinds of love still exist? I look around me and people’s actions constantly remind that those loves don’t exist. People’s actions are telling me that you can love and then leave. People’s actions are telling me that love only lasts through the infatuation stage, and once that’s gone, it’s okay to move to the next one. People’s actions tell me that love gives up easily.

But long-lasting loves are also not perfect loves either. If perfect loves existed, they would be boring loves. The challenges, arguments and trials add character to the relationship and many times makes it stronger.  

So long-lasting loves can exist as long as both individuals aren’t expecting perfection, but continue to strive to get close to it. Long-lasting relationships are a balance of reality with fantasy, work with play, and challenges with joyfulness.

It’s funny because I’ve dreamt about my wedding a couple times recently; and each time, the wedding is a perfect disaster. Either my dress is a mess or I have no bridesmaids or I forget to send out invitations—something always happens that makes it horrible.  But the dream always ends with my seeing Lawrence as I walk down the aisle and immediately have a sense of things being okay. The mere sight of my groom-to-be lets me know that things aren’t ever going to be how we planned; but as long as we have each other, we will be able to make it through. 

My dreams tell me that long-lasting loves can exist if you always value and appreciate each other in your lives.

Complications in my Fairytale

We've got a little work to do if we want to live

 happily ever after.

Love is not fair, and it is not easy. Love makes you work and even when you work for it, it still doesn’t always work out. Or if things are working out and everything seems fine, life still knows how to put a wrench in the relationship.  This wrench can be big or small—can be easily overcome or take years to conquer. This wrench is sometimes obvious and noticeable by others or it can be subtle, easily hidden.  

This wrench can tighten or loosen the joints of the relationship—the emotions.  The emotions that are present at every stage of a relationship can be affected by this wrench. This wrench has a lot of power—it can affect whether or not the relationship runs smoothly or not. 

Our wrench is physical proximity—when we are around each other, our relationship runs smoothly; but when we are away from each other, a lot of clogs and barriers get in the way. 

“...You don’t make enough time for me,” I say…

“...You don’t ever sound like you are happy to hear from me,” he says…

“...You don’t ever think of creative things for us to do over the phone,” I say…

“...I’m stimulating for physical interaction and I am unable to do 'me' when we are on the phone,” he says…

All of our excuses, all of our thoughts, all of our debates, anger, frustrations are fueled by the fact that we have this wrench in our relationship. 

Knowing that we can’t remove this wrench, we need to work on loosening the effects of the wrench. Love takes work and we are both willing to work at it until our wrench can be removed.  

The True Measure of Love

How do you measure love? Do you measure it by the number of times you say it? Do you measure it by the amount of nice things you do? Do you measure it by the amount of money you spend? Or is it immeasurable? Is it so abstract and undefined that you can’t put a number or quantity or percentage around it? I feel that you love me; therefore, it must be the case…

Whichever way you measure love, its faulty, it’s subjective. The measure of love is on a case-by-case basis; therefore, the way I express my love to one person and the way he receives that love may be totally different from the way another person receives that love. 

If there were an objective, universal way to measure love, I believe that would alleviate much tension in people’s relationships. If there were one way to express love, then couples wouldn’t have to guess whether or not the other person loved them as much or loved them at all; it would be transparent—which is what most people want, a transparent love; a love you don’t have to guess or worry about. 

Transparency would enable blind love to see again. It would transform the battlefield of love into a playground. It would stop love from hurting and allow it to help. Transparency would take out the ugly side of love. 

However, in absence of having a magic wand to make everyone express love the exact same way, couples should start forcing transparency into their relationships. A healthy relationship should have a transparent love—a love that doesn’t play games, a love that is honest, a love that is unashamed. 

We can’t actually measure love, but we can make it so we don’t need to…

Beyond the Breaking Point

I'm ready to make a move!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then I must be obsessed with you by now, because absence is all we’ve ever known. All we’ve known is the feeling of longing and desire to be close to each other. All we’ve known is withdraw.

Well, I’m fond enough of you. I’ve reached my “fondness” limit. I don’t need to grow anymore fond of you. This is good enough. I’m ready to be present with you. I’m ready to build upon the fondness that absence created. I’m ready, he’s ready, nature’s ready—it’s as if everything is aligning to build and construct a love based upon the fondness. 

The only problem is knowing when the alignment period is over. When will all the stars align to form that perfect constellation in the sky? How will I know when I’m supposed to walk through the open doors in front of me? When will I know that all of my ducks have formed a row?

I don’t want to wait for the perfect situation to happen, but I also don’t want to rush things. If I wait on perfection, that will never come, but if I hurry the situation up, that could be bad as well.

The waiting game is agonizing when the person you are waiting on is already in your life. Which begs the question, what are we waiting on? If we are tired of being apart, why don’t we get closer? Get closer in every sense—physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially. 

Absence may make the heart grow fonder but only to a certain point. Then it reaches its breaking point and causes the heart to suffer. We’ve put our hearts through too much suffering…