Our Journey

I woke up this morning with you on my mind. You’re always on my mind, but today was sublime…

I was thinking about our future together and when that would start. When you would have all of me, and not just my heart. 

It’s tiring living life as we do. I go day to day without seeing you.

I know this frustrates you, I can hear it in your tone. I know that sometimes you feel so alone.

We’re in love with each other, but from afar. This life without each other has been so hard. 

I try to find comfort and hope in what will be—knowing that this present state won’t be our destiny.

You are an amazing man, everything you give. With you, I know a happy life is one I’ll always live. 

You satisfy every part of me, filling me throughout. The way you love and cherish me, stifles any doubt.

You are a confidant, my supporter and my friend. You are someone with whom I’ve come to depend. 

You are in love with me, but you’re more in love with the Lord. Your love in Christ is where your love for me is stored.

You do things far and above what is needed. You fill me up in areas that had once been depleted.

You are not just a friend to me, you are also my man. My heart, my body, my mind are all in your hand.

I love the responsible man you have become. You are not just my boyfriend, you may be the one!

Walking on Egg Shells

I’m sometimes walking on egg shells with you. I feel like I can’t do anything right.  If I have an emotionless tone, you think I’m mad and have an attitude. If I have an excited and sweet tone, you think I’m talking like a baby. I feel like I can’t win with you—it’s exhausting!

You pay so close attention to every slight nuance of my voice. If anything sounds even slightly off, you pick up on it. I don’t want to complain too much, because at least you are paying attention to me, but I just feel constrained. 

I try to look at it from your perspective, because I know I can be extreme sometimes. I guess you feel like my tone should always be pleasant, because we should always be excited to hear from each other and that should be reflected in our voices. You feel like if anything is off, then it’s your job to call it out and make it better. You feel like if I’m ever upset with you, I should bring it up immediately. 

And how can I argue with those things?! Those are all good actions—I should always be pleasant with you, you should always mention if something doesn’t sound right with me, I should always tell you if something is wrong! All of these things are good things—I guess I’m just not used to them. I’m used to hiding my feelings and then just getting over it. I’m used to dealing with things myself. But I can’t do that in relationships—I must let you in and see you as my advocate, not my adversary. 

I feel like I’m walking on egg shells with you, but I’m the one that one whose shell needs to be cracked… 

Loving Him for Him

I expect too much from him—he is only human.

Yesterday, in church, I learned about loss, limits and love. Basically, the message was that every relationship either has loss, limitations and/or love.  The pastor was saying that no matter how much a person loves you, their love can only go so far. There are limitations to their love and what they can do for you. And just because a person doesn’t do everything that you want and expect them to do, that doesn’t mean they love you any less. It just means that they can’t do all that you want them to do—all humans have limitations.

The pastor went on to say that because humans are naturally limited, there are only three ways you can respond to those limitations: acknowledge them, accept them and appreciate the areas where the other person excels. 

Those three little things really opened my mind in terms of my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that I was expecting too much out of him. He is only human, so I cannot expect him to know everything, do everything right,and satisfy me in every way. Only God can do that and we all know that he is not God, so I need to stop treating him as such. 

I’m not saying I need to lower my expectations; I just need to adjust my expectations. I need to my re-frame my expectations of him to fit our current situation. Currently, we are limited by proximity, money, jobs and time. So I need to recognize those limitations exist and not expect him to be able to overcome each and every one of those tomorrow in order to make me happy. 

If I stop focusing on his deficiencies and start focusing on his capabilities, I’m sure both he and I would be happier. 

Basically, I need to stop complaining!

He Heard Me

Relationships are give and take, but what if no one is giving or taking? What happens when neither person is adding anything to the relationship, but also not taking anything away? When the give and take is gone, does that mean the passion is gone?

Is it okay to be in a passionless relationship?  Is lack of passion better than lack of turmoil? Or is the turmoil a signal of engagement in the relationship? 

Engagement—I think that’s what every couple is looking for. Each person in the relationship wants to know that the other is committed, is engaged, is paying attention. 

But I wasn’t feeling that engagement from him. I wasn’t feeling like he was paying attention. His words indicated commitment, but his actions were saying something different.

So last night I was over it. He called me talking about how his friends were coming over and how they were going to just hang out and maybe play cards or something. That was all I needed—the cards were the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just didn’t understand why he would rather hang out with his friends for the 20^th night in a row, instead of spend time with me. 

So I confronted him about it….

“….um….I’m confused as to why you are hanging out with your friends again instead of talking on the phone with me, when I’ve repeatedly told you that I need you to start spending more time with me…”

Silence.

“Seriously” I continue.  “It’s kind of ridiculous that I have to keep asking you to pay attention to me.”

He starts talking some blah, blah about how he knows and how he will do better.  Then we get off the phone.

Then I start to think. The TV is on but I’m not really watching it because I’m deep in thought. I’m thinking about how I’m not benefiting at all from this relationship.  I’m thinking about how he needs a wake-up call.  I’m thinking about how he takes me for granted. 

Then I get a text. I reach for my phone and see that the text is from him.  It states simply: “Date at 8:45.  Be ready.”

My heart immediately starts to flutter and all those girly feelings start flooding back.  He does hear me.  He does care!  By some divine intervention, he sent that text just at the right moment because my thoughts were spiraling out of control and everyone knows what happens to frustrated women who are left alone with their thoughts… all types of things were about to go down!

He called promptly at 8:45 and we had our phone date. It was so nice and fun.  His engagement reminded me of all the things I love about him. We have so much fun together, it’s crazy!

Hope this lasts!

Does Every Rollercoaster Have to Drop?

Up, down, up down—I’m getting sick. I feel like I’m on a ride that I can’t get off of. It’s like we go as high as we can emotionally and then come rushing back down. Is it possible to have a steady pace of high emotions or are humans just equipped to crave the drops? 

It’s like being on a roller coaster—the whole time you inch your way forward, higher and higher, in anticipation of the drop. You’re scared of the drop, but long for it all at the same time. And the whole time leading up to the drop, you have a feeling of satisfaction with expectation—you know the drop is coming but you’re glad it hasn’t come yet. The expectation is so thick that it somewhat overpowers the feeling of contentment you have going higher and higher. The whole way up, you’re getting your mind, body and emotions ready to endure the drop. And once the drop happens, you do a few more twists and turns and the ride is over. You never end on top.

That’s how I feel relationships are sometimes—a journey toward the drop.  Relationships only end one of two ways—marriage or breakup, success or failure, inching higher or dropping instantly. 

My boyfriend and I have done the drop—twice. This time, we are looking to stay on top. Of course, we are going to have some smaller hills, here and there; our cart may stall on the way up, but our minds, bodies and emotions can’t handle any more major drops. But because we’ve never finished this portion of the ride without coming to a drop, I question whether this particular ride is going to be different. 

We both want it to be different—we are two different riders now than when we got on this ride two years ago. We can better handle the small ups and downs and see them for what they are. But we’re both investing a lot of time and energy into this relationship in the hopes that this time will be different. It feels different, but we just never know which one of these little hills could take us off course and make us lose sight of what we want—which is to keep inching our way up.