Bittersweet Temptation

While on this journey of living in love, I find that more and more hurdles come my way. These hurdles are often in the form of men. Other men may cross my path, causing me to look away from my end goal, which is my boyfriend. I don’t actually venture off the path and start following this distraction; I just glance over that direction.

But sometimes that glance is enough to divert my thoughts.  I begin to lose focus of the end goal and start thinking about other possibilities.  I don’t actually want to pursue those other possibilities; I just like to think about them.  They are harmless thoughts…just enough to make sure that my end goal is definitely what I want.

It almost enables me to appreciate the end goal a bit more.  When I’m fully aware of the other men that are out there, I can better affirm that the one I have is the right one for me.  It lets me know that my boyfriend is not just great because he’s the only one out there and I love him, but he’s great because he’s better for me than anyone else that is out there.

But I must admit, sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that these distractions aren’t better than the end goal.  In the moment, sometimes I forget that my boyfriend is really good for me, and I allow myself to get distracted by men who are not-so-good for me.  But these distractions are so tricky—they disguise themselves to be more than what they are.  So once they take off their mask, you find that they are not who you thought. 

What I keep learning is that my boyfriend—in all his flaws—is better for me than all the distractions (even the cute ones).  So while it’s okay to look, it’s definitely not worth while touching!

What's the Limit Before Enough Is Enough?

How far are you supposed to go for your significant other?  How much are you supposed to do?  Do you keep giving and giving and giving until you have no more to give or do you cut off the “donations” before you’ve reached your breaking point?

Is there ever a time when you just stop giving to the relationship?  Are you allowed to give tough love to a relationship versus continuing to nurture it?

I’ve been giving a lot to my relationship…a lot of love, a lot of attention, a lot of time, a lot of money, and a lot of effort.  I’ve been giving all of me and all of my emotions to this relationship.  And, frankly, I’m tired.  I’m not tired in terms of wanting to escape, but tired in terms of wanting and needing things to change.  I just don’t know how long I can continue to give and not get much in return.  I want to keep giving—in fact, my love won’t let me stop giving.  But I’m not sure how long my mind and my energy can last.  The continuous donations are taking a toll on my health. 

It’s not that I haven’t gotten anything from the relationship, but recently I’ve been giving a lot more.  And I’m not sure if I’m “supposed” to keep giving or if I should enable him to take care of things himself.   As the man, isn’t he supposed to take care of things and handle his own issues?  I just don’t know how to balance “supporting your mate” with “letting a man be a man.” 

Every time I try to give tough love, the “soft love” in me wants to immediately console him or work to rectify a situation or problem he may be having. 

Is my giving a lot to this relationship my duty as a girlfriend or my way of enabling him?

The Soundtrack of My Life

“I miss you” is the soundtrack to my life right now.  When I wake up in the morning, “I miss you.”  When I come home from work, “I missed you so much today.”  When I go to bed at night, “I really do miss you.” 

This soundtrack had been playing on repeat and I’m getting tired of the tune.  I’m so tired of the “miss yous” and “miss you toos.”  I’m tired of you saying those words to me. 

I resent you for missing me.  Not because I don’t miss you too, but because it makes me feel bad.  Your missing me makes me feel like I should do something about it, like I should solve it, like I should alleviate the hurt that missing me causes you.

At the same time that you are missing me, I am missing you but I’m more concerned about your feelings.  I’m concerned about how you feel and about making sure you don’t feel that way for long.  But what I’m realizing is that my concern is overpowering your concern.  Meaning, you don’t seem to be too concerned about missing me because you aren’t doing anything about it.  You are doing a lot of talking and not a lot of action.

The direct solution to missing someone is to get near that person.  You tell me you miss me so much, but you have yet to do anything about it.

I think we are so used to missing each other that neither one of us knows how to change that.  We know what to do, but not how to do it. 

We need to get out of our comfort zone and start making moves.  We talk about it every day, but stop that conversation when it gets to the part about who is going to move and when they are going to move. 

So what now? 

We will see, but as long as we are just replaying the same song over and over, we will never move to the next playlist of our lives.  

The Love We Share

The fullness of my love is pushing, pulling, pounding, gushing, throbbing, pulsing, rumbling to break through the walls of my heart.  This love is so intense, so rich, so immense that it’s overwhelming.

This love I have for you smoothes out rough edges of our relationship. This love I have for you tunes out the criticism of the critical.  This love I have for you creates a new world for you and me—a world where it’s just you and I.  A world where we don’t have to answer to anyone or apologize for anything.  A world where the issues we have are the ones we create.  Not issues that have been forced upon us due to circumstance, situation or lifestyle. 

This love is a peace maker and a problem solver.  It’s strives to make our world and our relationship without blemish or fault.  It strives for perfection in an imperfect world, for fairness in an unfair world, for purity in an impure world.  This love radiates the love from our relationship onto the rest of the world.  

This love, though separated from its source, is powerful.  It’s strong and its ready to be freed from the constraints around it.  Like a magnet, it will use as much force as necessary to be united with it’s other half. 

The throbbing desire to be reunited is getting more and more intense.  There were many things prohibited the two sources of this love from meeting, but those barriers are getting more and more trivial. 

This love can only manage to be away from its source for so long. 

Looking Back at Single Life

…Single girl life…it’s had many adventures. I had crushes on boys and tried to get them to notice me. I’ve had kisses with random boys and tried to get them to forget me. I’ve had days and weeks of uncertainty: is he going to call? Does he like me as me as I like him? Why did he stop talking to me?

Single girl life brought many adventures, but the adventures I’ve been through since I’ve been in a relationship have been more intense, more meaningful.

This past weekend was no exception. I decided to go to the wedding of an old guy friend by myself. Wrong! There were so many things wrong with that, but I at least I’ve learned for the future:

1)       Never go to weddings by yourself when you are in a committed relationship

Done. The list stops there because that alone was enough. I had a good time at the wedding and I’m glad I went. I just wish I would have brought my boyfriend with me. The wedding was a grand event; I wish he had been there to experience with me.

Not to mention, weddings put you “in the mood.” Whatever that “mood” is, a wedding will get you there quicker. If you are feeling sentimental, a wedding will heighten that. If you are feeling sexual, a wedding will stimulate that. If you are feeling frustrated, a wedding will let you know what exactly is frustrating you.

So why would sexually-frustrated, sappy me go to a wedding by myself? The jury is still out on that one…

But the adventures that ensued because of my decision were very interesting.  I found my hormones wanted to be around any person with a pee-pee and my heart only wanted to be around one pee-pee and he was 1,000 miles away in Atlanta. So my heart and my hormones waged a war this weekend—I’m proud to announce that my heart won out! I made it through the entire wedding without losing my mind, my morals, or my man! 

But why even put myself through that?! Classic rookie mistake—I will never go to a wedding without my significant other again! This was an adventure I do not want to repeat.

Far Beyond "Love"

I wish there were a word for how I feel about you right now. I wish there were some way for me to express these intense feelings I have inside. I wish there were some way for you to know my heart, see my heart, feel my heart—I want you to totally understand the love I have for you. 

But it’s not just love...it goes beyond love. It goes beyond the overused term of affection. “Love” is not enough. “Love” is the word I’ve been using to express my feelings for you. Somehow, that word now doesn’t seem as relevant, as important, as powerful. That word has lost its edge. 

I need a word to express the feeling of warmth and comfort that fill my spirit when I’m near you. A word to express the feeling of pure excitement and glee when something good happens to you. A word that expresses the stuttering of my heart when you look at me a certain way. 

I need a word that expresses that I don’t ever want to leave your side. I love you. But it’s more than that. I adore you, I understand you, I know you, I feel you, I see you. I see who you are. I see who you will become. I see the man you’ve become and are still becoming, and I like that person. 

There’s not one word to communicate all the feelings I have filling up my heart.  But there are ways for me to show you and that’s what I want to do more of. I want to show you that you are the only man for me. I want to show you that you are constantly on my mind. I want to show you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 

What I’m learning on my journey toward developing our relationship is that the only way for me to truly express how I feel for you is through actions…so that’s what I’m going to do!

One step forward, two steps back…

I know relationship weren’t meant to be perfect but it seems to me that during this time that my boyfriend and I are on this “journey to understanding our relationship,” we would make a conscious effort to do things better than we’ve done before.  The purpose of this journey is to understand the significance of our relationship and what sacrifices we should make in order to strengthen the relationship.  However, if we are angry or frustrated with each other during this journey then it clouds the clarity that we are trying to achieve. 

If we are upset with each other while we are going down this path, then those negative emotions could lead us down a path that we weren’t designed to go. 

But when my boyfriend does insensitive things (consciously or unconsciously), then I have no choice but to be upset and frustrated.   When my boyfriend schedules a time for us to talk over the phone and then misses that time by an hour because he was playing video games, how else am I supposed to feel besides annoyed and angry?

I’m trying to suppress those negative emotions but he’s making it so hard!  Normally, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems to me that he’s not trying at all.

Or I could be being dramatic and that was just one night, one missed phone call, and one part of the journey.   Maybe, by definition, the journey must have this forward and backward movement. I guess if everything was perfect during this journey, that could also lead us down a wrong path as well….

Maybe what this “journey” we are going down is teaching us about is the journey of life and marriage with each other.  Maybe there must be ups and downs in this journey, and times of angry and frustration in this journey, because that’s realistic to life.  Maybe I’m supposed to be learning how to learn from them and move on from them.

…one step forward, two steps back….ALL part of the journey!

The Answer I've Been Looking For

I love you. But you make me so mad sometimes! I love you, but you get on my nerves sometimes. You annoy me sometimes. You frustrate me sometimes. You upset me sometimes. BUT, I love you. 

Sometimes I think you could measure love by how much the other person frustrates you. I say that because if they frustrate you and you still want to be around them, that must demand a high level of love. 

My boyfriend upsets me, but he also understands me. My boyfriend frustrates me, but he also frees me. My boyfriend annoys me, but he also answers me. He answers my question. My question of what man will love me the way I deserve to be loved. The question of who is the man for me. The question of who will I spend the rest of my life with. He answers all those questions—he is the answer.

But sometimes the answer isn’t always understood. Meaning, other people don’t always understand that he is the one for me. And, frankly, I’m not sure why. But I’m also not sure why or if I should care. I guess I just want my answer to be everyone’s answer. I want everyone around us to know that he is the absolute right one for me. I don’t want to have to defend my answer. 

Defending my answer makes me second guess my answer. It’s like when someone asks you something, you can give a definitive answer until they start asking you all the follow-up questions and the "whys." Then you start second guessing yourself, and back tracking, and justifying.  I don’t want to do those things when it comes to my relationship. 

Therefore, through the frustration and through the hard times, I love him. He is my best friend, my supporter, my comedian, my partner—my answer.