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The truth about my relationship: I am trying to find a sign!!!

Signs—there are signs all around us.  Signs tell us what to do, what not to do, how to act, where to go, when to go, and how to go.  Signs take the shape of octagons telling us to stop. Lights tell us to go, and flashing hands telling us to be cautious.

What I’m learning is that there are also signs in relationships—signs telling us to stop, go, and to be cautious.  And right now I feel like there is a bright, glaring green light telling us to proceed; go to the next level of our relationship. 

But we are unable to see the green light because we’ve been blinded by many years of flashing hands.  These flashing hands blink "on" and "off" in a rhythm that forces us to slow down.  As soon as we think we have the green light and can speed back up, the flashing hands come and make us cautious again, slowing us down.  So are almost stricken immobile for fear of moving when we aren’t supposed to.  It’s like we are afraid to cross the street to the other side for fear of getting caught in the middle and not being able to make it to the other side in time.  The flashing hands always push us back to our starting point. 

But this time is different—it has to be!  The signs are more obvious than ever; the only ones standing in our way is ourselves.  We are holding ourselves back from going to the next level.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of making a mistake.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of ridicule, criticism, and disagreement.

We are holding ourselves back because of others and how it will make us look.

But, at some point, we will have to take a risk.  We will have to cross the street and proceed to the next step in our relationship. 

We need signs, but we also need to trust the signs once we receive them. 

Crazy in Love?

The truth in my relationship is that I am crazy.  I am clearly the crazy, highly-emotional one in the relationship!

I try to act like I’m sane, like I don’t do and say irrational things; but the truth of the matter is, I do!  I could be fine one minute and as soon as my boyfriend says something to “set me off,” I’m not fine anymore.  In fact, I’m the opposite of fine.  I get irritated, angry, annoyed, and frustrated.  My eyes involuntarily begin to roll, my heart beat begins to quicken and my mind starts to race.  It races to see how quickly it can come up with a reason why whatever he is saying or doing is stupid, crazy, pointless, or insensitive.  The mind races toward a finish line of being “right,” but once I get there, I realized I haven’t really won anything. 

So then once I’ve realized that this “competition” (that I was in by myself) was pointless and dissatisfying, I immediately begin the race toward undoing what I’ve just said so things can be pleasant again.  There is no point in being “right” when everyone else is left.  There should be comfort in “right,” confidence in “right,” faith in “right.”  But when my boyfriend and I are in a disagreement and I’m “right,” I don’t always feel comfortable.  I’m usually uncomfortable because the right and wrong that we were debating was minor and I end up looking crazy because I debate it as if it were major. 

This crazy person (me) ends up being in this crazy cycle of ups and downs because I’m constantly trying to enhance the mellow and suppress the “extra.” 

I need to either let the mellow ride or let the extra do its thing.  But this constant cycle is getting tiring for my boyfriend and me. 

So I’m going to try the former—I going to try to mellow out a bit….

We will see how long that lasts…

Deciding to Follow My Dreams or My Heart

Art by Zoran Ozetsky

I’m sad.  I don’t know what to do.  I have the opportunity to follow a dream, a passion of mine but that would mean being separated from my boyfriend for as long as a year.

I don’t know what to do. 

My boyfriend shouldn’t come before my dreams and my goals, but I guess I didn’t think I would ever have to choose.  I always thought the direction my life was going in and the direction his life was going in would overlap…but that’s not necessarily the case. 

I’m going to have to make a choice.  And I don’t know what to do.

I want my life to have purpose.  I want to follow the path that God has carved out for me, but I want that path to include my boyfriend.  But maybe it doesn’t or maybe it shouldn’t.

Maybe it’s not about what I want, but about what He (God) wants.  Maybe I’m over thinking it and it will work itself out.  Maybe this is a test—a test to show that my purpose in life and what God wants for me comes before my boyfriend.

So although I’m currently sad, I know that the end goal is worth it.  If my boyfriend and I are meant to be together, then that will happen.  If we are supposed to be apart, then that’s what will need to happy.

I have to live my life for Christ, not for my boyfriend.  

So that’s what it is.  Let’s see where God leads me…

Shaken by the Past

I'm looking ahead on my journey...no more looking back!

Yesterday, I ran into someone I used to date. Physically, I kept it moving—didn’t pause, didn’t look back, didn’t miss a step. But mentally, I was a bit rattled.  I didn’t expect to see him; I hadn’t seen him since we had stopped talking…

We had stopped talking so abruptly that I always imagined that if I ever saw him again I would have so many questions, so many things to say, so many things to get off my mind. But when I actually saw him, I had nothing to say. It wasn’t worth it—I didn’t care. In that moment, I was so happy with myself and with my life that it didn’t matter why this person did the things he did. I didn’t feel like absorbing the negative energy of a past relationship; drowning myself in the “what ifs” and the “how comes.”

It didn’t matter.  In that moment, the thing I felt good about is that I have a man who loves me; who wouldn’t hurt me; and who’s here for the long run. I have the absolute right man for me and this man that I had just run into was just a step in the journey toward finding that right man. 

But, I must admit, even with being so in love with my boyfriend and knowing that he’s the right one for me…my emotions did go haywire for a bit when I saw him.  We were walking toward each other and I didn’t know if I was supposed to smile or be mean, if I should wave or not move, if I should stop and talk or keep walking…

So many questions, but in the end, I think I did the exact right thing and kept it moving. And that’s just it…you got to keep it moving. You can’t look in your past and try to analyze it or try to make it better than what it was. It’s in the past for a reason.

I needed to look ahead of me and get to where I was going…so that’s what I’ve done.

Choosing YOUR Best Option

When you know there's a better option, do you just leave?

Does having options of who to date make us feel good about who we choose or make us indecisive of who to choose? 

We live in a land of opportunity; a land of choices.  You have a choice of how and where to get our groceries, a choice of which of the 300 TV stations to watch, an infinite choice of music and multimedia at our fingertips…even a choice of hair color, eye color, and body type.  We have a lot of options and our options are increasing every day.  With that increase of options, we also have many options of people to date and ways to find those people.  With the introduction of online dating and social networking within the last 10 years, it seems people are becoming more indecisive about whom they want to be with and if that person is right for them…

Even once we start dating someone, we are always wondering whether this is the perfect person for me or if there is someone better out there.  So what ends up happening is that we let “little” things erode our relationship and end up breaking up in pursuit of something better… 

…Once we are broken up, if it takes a while for that “something better” to come along, we start to doubt the decision we made to break up.  Also, around this time, loneliness starts to set in.  So then we are doubtful and lonely—these factors alone cause us to call up our exes and eventually get back together…at least until the next thing happens that causes us to want to break up again.

On and on it goes—this cycle of indecision.  I am extremely guilty of demonstrating this behavior.  My boyfriend and I have broken up twice since we’ve been together.  Now, I must admit, both times we broke up, it was for a reason.  BUT honestly, the first time we got back together, we shouldn’t have.  It was too soon—nothing had changed.  But we were lonely and were not confident with our decision to break up—we were indecisive.

So what I’m learning is that although there are a lot of options, there may only be ONE best option for each person and if the person you are with doesn’t feel like the “best” option—make a decision…LEAVE.

Making Plans—With or Without Him

I don't know what the future holds, but moving forward regardless.

As I’m planning out my life, I want to make sure my boyfriend is included in those plans, but I also don’t want to make any assumptions.  Every time I’ve started to assume things, reality smacks me in my face.

I want him to be a part of my future, but I don’t want to assume he will be a part of my future.  On the flip side, I don’t want to assume that he won’t be a part of my future either.  I’m in a lose/lose situation—when I don’t include him in my future plans, I hurt his feelings; but when I automatically do include him in my plans, I risk getting my feelings hurt. 

How long do you have to be dating before you can start automatically including the other person in future life plans?

I have a friend of mine who was dating a guy for ten years.  They were extremely happy (at least, it seemed that way) and they had been talking about marriage and babies together.  Well, one day, the guy just up and left my friend…left without a word, without a reason, without a sorry.  He left her wondering what she did wrong.  The truth is she didn’t do anything wrong, but that’s not how she felt.  She was comfortable in that relationship and he ended up blind-siding her.

Now, the moral of the story is not Never make assumptions in a relationship.  But I bet that is what she will take away from that relationship.  The moral actually is Always keep a sense of who you are in a relationship, so you’re never left feeling incomplete without the other person in your life.   

So then maybe it’s not about when you can start including a person in your plans but what plans you are including them on and making sure you both want the same thing...then I guess you won’t have to assume anything anymore…you would just know.

Loving Without Restriction

I need to be happy.  No matter what happens with my life, no matter what I end up doing, I need to be happy. 

I need to be happy with myself and I need to be happy with the one I’m with.  My man needs to make me happy…at all times.  I want to be happy at all times.  I want him to be able to fix my bad days, lighten my heavy mood, ease my weary spirit, solve my toughest issues.  I want him to love all over me and kiss away my pain.  In times when I can’t make myself feel better, I want him to come to my rescue. 

I must admit, sometimes I need him.  I need him to be there for me and that’s hard for me to say.  It’s hard for me to admit that I need this man in my life, not out of dependence, but out of desire.  I need his spirit, I need his energy.  I need him.

Although I need him, I refuse to tell him that.  I refuse to let him know my full desire for him.  Why?  I'm not sure.  A pride thing, I guess.  I can’t let him know that my happiness is reliant upon his happiness. 

When I was totally reliant on him in the past, it burned me.  He ended up abusing my love and I just can’t go through that again.  I used to be smitten; now, I’m smarter.  I don’t want to love blindly…I don’t want to get hurt. 

I want to be happy. I want to love freely. I want him to know how much I love him—but at what cost?

Drifting Away

Photo by Rick Sampson

I feel myself pulling away from you. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure when, but I definitely am.  I don’t feel as close to you.  The love is still there, but the emotion is not. 

I have this strong sense right now that I need to focus on me.  I need to be all about me.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have you around or that I don’t want you around, but I can’t continue to focus solely on you.  I have to start living for me.

I’m so exhausted and worn out with my life—I need to start doing things that make me happy, that bring life back into my life.  And right now, you are dragging me down.  I’m so concerned with your issues and your problems, that it’s consuming me and my disposition.  I feel as though I have your same issues and that’s not the case.  At least, I can’t let it be the case. 

My emotions have no time to be carrying the burdens of two people.  I have enough happening in my own life that I need to start paying attention to.  We can’t keep having two people focused on you and no one focused on me.  That’s not fair. 

I need to get my life back to a level of fairness…I need balance.  I need to be happy. 

Being without you does not make me happy, so that’s not what I want.  But I’m not sure how to get happiness in my life when I’m focused on you.   

So I’m going to need to be selfish for a while as I focus on the things that I enjoy.  I’m going to start saying “no” to people and start doing what I want to do to bring me joy. 

I need to pull away from you a bit and start pulling in more of myself.

Finally on the Same Page

I wonder what the rest of this story holds...

We are on the same page, we are reading the same book, we are telling the same story.

My boyfriend and I are finally seeing eye to eye in our relationship.  I finally understand where he is coming from and he finally gets what I’ve been feeling.

We are becoming one in Christ and because we are letting Him become our foundation, things are clicking.  We understand each other because God allows us to understand each other. 

We just had a wonderful weekend together and it was focused on all the right things. We were in tuned with each other and in tuned with God.  That intermingling of spirits truly allowed us to love.  Our spirits were finally connected, which was the last and final thing that needed to come together. 

My boyfriend and I had connected mentally at first,  then physically, then emotionally…we needed our spirits to be one.

We’ve finally united and it’s a beautiful space to be in.  This space is filled with purpose, with meaning, with destiny.  We are predestined to be in this moment at this time—we don’t know what’s going to come our way or what’s about to happen , but we are ready to face it together.  

Life is funny—it can be fair and unfair at the same time.  It can throw hurdles your way while also giving you learning lessons.  My relationship with my boyfriend has been a learning lesson.  It has taught me perseverance, it has taught be patient, it has taught me humility, it has taught me selflessness, it has given me confidence, and it has taught me how to love.   

I patiently awaited a real love, a deeper love, a fulfilling love and I finally got it…we are finally in sync!

A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 

You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

The Shadow over My Happiness

Happiness is relative. Happiness can be determined by other people’s happiness. Happiness can be momentary. Happiness can be fleeting. Happiness can be…overpowered. Yes, it can be overpowered by loneliness, insecurity, mistrust, frustration, doubt—essentially any negativity. 

Recently, I’ve been letting those things affect my happiness. I’ve been letting these outside forces affect my mood, affect my view on life, affect how I operate.

I’m not happy right now and I need to be. I’m fairly happy with myself, but not happy with my boyfriend.   I love my boyfriend, but in this particular moment, I’m not happy with where we are. 

I feel like we are fluttering around trying to get to the next landing and can’t seem to make it. Where we are trying to go seems further and further away, which makes us lose hope. My hopelessness is causing me to put a little less effort it, try a little less hard, care a little less than I used to.

I want us to make it…I’m in love with this man. I just don’t know why it has to be so hard. Why do we have to work so hard to be happy? Or is this a test? Maybe we have to work so hard now to prove that we can make it in the future—“if you can handle this, you can handle anything” type thing…

Maybe I’m failing the test. Maybe my happiness is supposed to endure the low points.  Maybe my current mood is evidence that I give up too soon. 

I want to be in it for the long haul, but this current portion of the journey is taking a toll on me…

Our circumstances are tearing me down.  He still has faith in us; I just hope his faith is enough for the both of us.

Doubting a Good Thing?

Is it natural to doubt your relationship or is it a caution flag of something to avoid in the future?

I find myself wanting to live in the same city as my long-distance boyfriend, but doubting it will actually ever happen. We’ve dated off and on for four-and-a-half years and during that time, we’ve always lived in different cities. I just don’t know what it would have to take before he or I would transport our lives to a different city. 

If it hasn’t happened yet, why should I expect it to ever happen? What magical thing would happen that would actually make us feel differently about moving, because right now, clearly neither of us wants to be the one to move.

And to be perfectly honest, the only way I ever see us living in the same city is if I make the move, which I don’t think is fair. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one proactively thinking about how we could make our future together a little easier. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one making an effort to visit the other. I don’t think it’s fair that  I’m around guys all day and can’t flirt or anything with them because I have this man that I might see once a month that I call my boyfriend.

Why do I have to be the one to move my life just so our fantasy of living in the same city can become a reality? I’m not saying I’m not willing, I just don’t want it to be forced upon me without even looking at the possibility of him moving. 

It always seems to me like the woman is the one willing to invest in the next step in a relationship before the man is…but I just don’t know how long that is supposed to last. It seems to me that after a while that should even out and we both should be investing equally into the relationship.

Or is it my pride talking? Should I care more about what is best for our relationship versus what is fair? I guess it doesn’t matter who moves as long as we can be together. In the long run, if we are meant to be together, we won’t even remember what we had to give up in order to live together because we will be getting so much more in return.

I guess if I want something to happen, I’m going to have to do it myself…

Faith vs. Foolishness

Faith. How much should you believe in a relationship before you decide it’s too much?  Should you continue to walk blindly toward an end goal that is not visible?  When do we know when it’s time to turn around and walk the other way in order to avoid falling off the ledge?

I feel like I’m dangerously close to the ledge, but every time I go to take another step closer, I somehow have solid ground to walk on.  Every time I feel like I’m at my breaking point, I get renewed energy and renewed love that enables me to continue on the journey.

I’m just not sure how long the ground will hold up—how long will I be able to endure this uncertainty.  Each day, each moment in our relationship is uncertain, unknown.  We know we still want to be together, but we don’t know when is it time to take the next step, when should we move to the same city, how long will our current situation last, and so on.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and that scares me.  BUT the fact that I’m willing to stick around to see what’s on tap for tomorrow brings him certainty.  The fact that I’m willing to go with the flow and jump through any and all hoops in order to make our relationship work makes him feel secure.

I also feel secure in him but insecure in our situation; which is where the faith comes in. 

I just need to balance faith with foolishness.  I don’t want to believe so much in the relationship that I’m missing something right in front of my face. 

Like they say, "Love is blind."  I just hope this blind love doesn’t cause me to fall…