Friday, July 1, 2011

Doubting a Good Thing?

Is it natural to doubt your relationship or is it a caution flag of something to avoid in the future?

I find myself wanting to live in the same city as my long-distance boyfriend, but doubting it will actually ever happen. We’ve dated off and on for four-and-a-half years and during that time, we’ve always lived in different cities. I just don’t know what it would have to take before he or I would transport our lives to a different city. 

If it hasn’t happened yet, why should I expect it to ever happen? What magical thing would happen that would actually make us feel differently about moving, because right now, clearly neither of us wants to be the one to move.

And to be perfectly honest, the only way I ever see us living in the same city is if I make the move, which I don’t think is fair. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one proactively thinking about how we could make our future together a little easier. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one making an effort to visit the other. I don’t think it’s fair that  I’m around guys all day and can’t flirt or anything with them because I have this man that I might see once a month that I call my boyfriend.

Why do I have to be the one to move my life just so our fantasy of living in the same city can become a reality? I’m not saying I’m not willing, I just don’t want it to be forced upon me without even looking at the possibility of him moving. 

It always seems to me like the woman is the one willing to invest in the next step in a relationship before the man is…but I just don’t know how long that is supposed to last. It seems to me that after a while that should even out and we both should be investing equally into the relationship.

Or is it my pride talking? Should I care more about what is best for our relationship versus what is fair? I guess it doesn’t matter who moves as long as we can be together. In the long run, if we are meant to be together, we won’t even remember what we had to give up in order to live together because we will be getting so much more in return.

I guess if I want something to happen, I’m going to have to do it myself…

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