Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Shadow over My Happiness

Happiness is relative. Happiness can be determined by other people’s happiness. Happiness can be momentary. Happiness can be fleeting. Happiness can be…overpowered. Yes, it can be overpowered by loneliness, insecurity, mistrust, frustration, doubt—essentially any negativity. 

Recently, I’ve been letting those things affect my happiness. I’ve been letting these outside forces affect my mood, affect my view on life, affect how I operate.

I’m not happy right now and I need to be. I’m fairly happy with myself, but not happy with my boyfriend.   I love my boyfriend, but in this particular moment, I’m not happy with where we are. 

I feel like we are fluttering around trying to get to the next landing and can’t seem to make it. Where we are trying to go seems further and further away, which makes us lose hope. My hopelessness is causing me to put a little less effort it, try a little less hard, care a little less than I used to.

I want us to make it…I’m in love with this man. I just don’t know why it has to be so hard. Why do we have to work so hard to be happy? Or is this a test? Maybe we have to work so hard now to prove that we can make it in the future—“if you can handle this, you can handle anything” type thing…

Maybe I’m failing the test. Maybe my happiness is supposed to endure the low points.  Maybe my current mood is evidence that I give up too soon. 

I want to be in it for the long haul, but this current portion of the journey is taking a toll on me…

Our circumstances are tearing me down.  He still has faith in us; I just hope his faith is enough for the both of us.

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