Perfect Imperfections

Now that I'm seeing clearly, I appreciate his imperfections.

Uncovering the truth in my relationship has not taken out all the kinks in the relationship. My boyfriend and I are finally unafraid to love ,but that doesn’t mean we magically have a perfect, harmonious relationship. 

I wish that were the case. I wish that because we are both all the way in it, the annoyances, anger, anxiousness would be all the way out of it. I was hoping the unadulterated love would force out the undeniable “issues” in our relationship.   

“Issues” like our constant disagreement about music and trying to figure out what we can both listen to. And like his strong lack of organizational skills, which conveniently allows him to forget to do a lot of things we’ve discussed. Other “issues” include my inability to get a restful sleep if I haven’t talked to him at night and his inability to answer the phone once he is already asleep. 

“Issues” like these won’t break up a relationship, but will be just enough to get under your skin (some more than others).

I was hoping that my newly found love for him would wipe away the fact that he doesn’t LOVE Janet Jackson like I do. Or that this new passion would erase the fact that he has the organizational skills of a pre-schooler. Or this new adoration would be enough to give me many nights of restful sleep—with or without having talked to him.

What I realized was that my “hope” was hopeless…and insane. There’s no amount of love in this world that could erase all of our imperfections. In fact, it’s the imperfections that make it interesting. The imperfections add layers and those layers add depth and that depth gives you appreciation for that person. It’s in the imperfections that I learn to appreciate my boyfriend. 

So, my boyfriend and I have uncovered our “truth” in the relationship, but we are still uncovering the truth in ourselves. Each day brings a new truth, a new fact, and a new quality that we need to learn about each other and I’m grateful that we have the time together to do that. 

So today, my truth is that I need to praise the imperfections!

Everything's Back in Focus

I feel different today—I feel differently about my boyfriend.  I feel like my love for him has finally graduated to the next level.  I can’t explain it, but something is definitely different. 

I have a renewed focus on our relationship and want to do things to make him happy.  I have more security in our relationship and feel excited about where we are going.

But it can’t all be roses and sunshine—there has to be a catch.  Every time I start to get comfortable in a relationship, something happens to tell me, don’t get too comfortable, don’t let your guard down, don’t lose yourself.  So I’m waiting for that “something” to happen.  I’m waiting for the ball to drop, the bomb to go off, the mystery to be revealed. 

But by waiting for something bad to happen, will I inadvertently create something bad?  Will I be looking so hard for that “something” to appear that it magically yet irrevocably shows its face? 

I want this happy moment to last, I do. And I will do what I need to do in order to make it stay.  However, what I’m realizing is that I’m usually the issue, the “something.”  It’s me that usually sabotages our happiness.  So I need to save our relationship from me.

I need to not drop the ball.  I need to not set off the bomb.  I need to not uncover a mystery.  It’s on me…I’m my own worst enemy.

So with that in mind, I’m going to do my best to get out of my own way.  I’m done sabotaging my relationship.  I love this feeling I have now toward my relationship and I want to make it stay.

They say “awareness” is the first step to recovery, so I’m on my way to be a recovered “relationship sabotager”!  I wish there was a meeting for us, cause I’m not sure I can sustain this on my own forever!  : /

Drifting Away

Photo by Rick Sampson

I feel myself pulling away from you. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure when, but I definitely am.  I don’t feel as close to you.  The love is still there, but the emotion is not. 

I have this strong sense right now that I need to focus on me.  I need to be all about me.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have you around or that I don’t want you around, but I can’t continue to focus solely on you.  I have to start living for me.

I’m so exhausted and worn out with my life—I need to start doing things that make me happy, that bring life back into my life.  And right now, you are dragging me down.  I’m so concerned with your issues and your problems, that it’s consuming me and my disposition.  I feel as though I have your same issues and that’s not the case.  At least, I can’t let it be the case. 

My emotions have no time to be carrying the burdens of two people.  I have enough happening in my own life that I need to start paying attention to.  We can’t keep having two people focused on you and no one focused on me.  That’s not fair. 

I need to get my life back to a level of fairness…I need balance.  I need to be happy. 

Being without you does not make me happy, so that’s not what I want.  But I’m not sure how to get happiness in my life when I’m focused on you.   

So I’m going to need to be selfish for a while as I focus on the things that I enjoy.  I’m going to start saying “no” to people and start doing what I want to do to bring me joy. 

I need to pull away from you a bit and start pulling in more of myself.

The Mystery We Call Love

Love is a mysterious thing—it cannot be explained, it cannot be defined, it cannot be rationalized, it cannot be described.  Love is a feeling—it just is.  It’s just there.  Love has no timeframe.  It has no constraints.  Love is just present—it just shows up; sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes unwarranted, sometimes unmotivated.  Love doesn’t follow the rules; in fact, it often breaks them. 

Love doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t make common sense, but somehow knows what’s best for you.  Love looks past the superficial—love doesn’t care what a person does, what a person looks like, what a person’s goals are, what a person’s background is.  Love only cares about who a person is today. ..how it feels about that person right now. 

Love cannot be summed up in words…so when my boyfriend asks me why I love him, it’s hard for me to answer, because it’s just a feeling—it’s what is.  It’s hard for me to describe to him the feeling of comfort I get when he’s lying next to me.  It’s hard for me to explain the feeling of loneliness when I haven’t seen or talked to him in a while.  It’s hard for me to explain the confidence I feel when I look at him. 

I can’t explain a feeling, which sometimes makes it hard to tell others why I like him so much or why we are still together, or why he is the man for me. 

Love doesn’t allow for why’s—only who’s.  Love chooses the person to attach itself to and tries not to let go.  Love finds the object of its affection and doesn’t have time to explain it, describe it, rationalize it, or define it.  So I’m going to stop trying. 

Who I choose to love is a mystery—let’s just leave it at that…

Bittersweet Temptation

While on this journey of living in love, I find that more and more hurdles come my way. These hurdles are often in the form of men. Other men may cross my path, causing me to look away from my end goal, which is my boyfriend. I don’t actually venture off the path and start following this distraction; I just glance over that direction.

But sometimes that glance is enough to divert my thoughts.  I begin to lose focus of the end goal and start thinking about other possibilities.  I don’t actually want to pursue those other possibilities; I just like to think about them.  They are harmless thoughts…just enough to make sure that my end goal is definitely what I want.

It almost enables me to appreciate the end goal a bit more.  When I’m fully aware of the other men that are out there, I can better affirm that the one I have is the right one for me.  It lets me know that my boyfriend is not just great because he’s the only one out there and I love him, but he’s great because he’s better for me than anyone else that is out there.

But I must admit, sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that these distractions aren’t better than the end goal.  In the moment, sometimes I forget that my boyfriend is really good for me, and I allow myself to get distracted by men who are not-so-good for me.  But these distractions are so tricky—they disguise themselves to be more than what they are.  So once they take off their mask, you find that they are not who you thought. 

What I keep learning is that my boyfriend—in all his flaws—is better for me than all the distractions (even the cute ones).  So while it’s okay to look, it’s definitely not worth while touching!

A Dangerous Cycle?

I feel schizophrenic.  I’m all over the place.  One minute I’m super annoyed with you and the next minute I can’t get enough of you. 

You are my drug.  I drink you in.  Even when you are annoying and bad for me, I want more of you.  I can’t get enough of you.  I’m addicted to you, to how you make me feel.  When I take you all in, I get high—highly in love with you. 

But I’m afraid to overdose for fear of being dependent on you.  I can’t let you take over my whole body, my whole being.  I must only take you in moderation so to not totally give myself over to you.

So as soon as I feel myself slipping into dependence, I pull back.  I try to wing myself off of you.  Try to handle things by myself. Try to find love, satisfaction, joy from myself.  I withdraw from you, which pushes me into—withdraw.  The absence of you makes me low—lowering my desire to love. 

I become mean, angry, bitter—my heart closes and hardena to keep out the vulnerability, to keep out the dependency.  But being in this state is lonely…and miserable. 

So I begin to open up my heart again.  And on and on it goes.  I’m high then low, up then down, afraid then lonely.   

I don’t know how to even out my temperament.  I don’t know how to live a balanced life in a state of calm.  It’s like I get a rush from the randomness.  I enjoy the adventure.  I depend on the drama….

Maybe that’s my bigger drug—drama.  Maybe I need it to thrive, need it to function.  Maybe I need drama to make my life a bit less mundane.  Sometimes relationships just go through the moments, maybe I create drama and seem all over the place because I crave the noise, crave the obstacles. 

My relationship is up then down, up then down—is it my fault?...

Doubting a Good Thing?

Is it natural to doubt your relationship or is it a caution flag of something to avoid in the future?

I find myself wanting to live in the same city as my long-distance boyfriend, but doubting it will actually ever happen. We’ve dated off and on for four-and-a-half years and during that time, we’ve always lived in different cities. I just don’t know what it would have to take before he or I would transport our lives to a different city. 

If it hasn’t happened yet, why should I expect it to ever happen? What magical thing would happen that would actually make us feel differently about moving, because right now, clearly neither of us wants to be the one to move.

And to be perfectly honest, the only way I ever see us living in the same city is if I make the move, which I don’t think is fair. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one proactively thinking about how we could make our future together a little easier. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m the only one making an effort to visit the other. I don’t think it’s fair that  I’m around guys all day and can’t flirt or anything with them because I have this man that I might see once a month that I call my boyfriend.

Why do I have to be the one to move my life just so our fantasy of living in the same city can become a reality? I’m not saying I’m not willing, I just don’t want it to be forced upon me without even looking at the possibility of him moving. 

It always seems to me like the woman is the one willing to invest in the next step in a relationship before the man is…but I just don’t know how long that is supposed to last. It seems to me that after a while that should even out and we both should be investing equally into the relationship.

Or is it my pride talking? Should I care more about what is best for our relationship versus what is fair? I guess it doesn’t matter who moves as long as we can be together. In the long run, if we are meant to be together, we won’t even remember what we had to give up in order to live together because we will be getting so much more in return.

I guess if I want something to happen, I’m going to have to do it myself…

Battling the Various Sides of Self

Sometimes my mood dictates my love for you. Depending on the type of mood I’m in, I will either be really affectionate or really distant; not on purpose ,but nevertheless it happens. I can tell when it’s happening too, but I feel as if I can’t control it. It’s like a different person is ruling my mood, my emotions, my attitude. A different, meaner person is telling my mind how to act and react. 

This person I almost don’t recognize; it’s not me. At least, I don’t want to believe it’s me. I want to believe the real me is always sweet, always patient, always affectionate. But that’s really not accurate or realistic. It’s not realistic to think that I will ALWAYS be a nice person to be around, right? Well, I’m just going to tell myself that in a feeble attempt to justify my ill-mannered behavior. 

Because whatever I end up telling myself, the action is the same. I act like a crazy person sometimes and I don’t know how to manage the crazy! When I get in this “certain mood,” I feel like I turn asexual. Any thing or being with a pee pee is annoying. It’s like my estrogen is the positive end of the magnet and his testosterone is the negative end—when they get close to each other, they repel each other. They can’t even get near each other, let alone touch. 

I wish I could really use that as an excuse: “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to be around you…I can’t be around you!”

Unfortunately, he will not use that as an excuse…in fact, he has absolutely no tolerance or patient for that behavior. And who would blame him? If he had an on/off switch for love, I would have zero tolerance for that as well. 

The sweet me wants to scream out to him, “Wait, I’m sorry…don’t get mad!” But the mean me is strong and doesn’t let Little Sweetie Pie come through. I’m at war with myself…Sweet vs. Mean. I’m afraid to see who will win this war!

Pretending Not to Love Him

Sometimes I feel like an actress in a play.

I want to be loved. But first I need to be open to love, and need to allow him to love me. This is easier said than done. I thought I was open. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared, but what I realized was that I wasn’t open, ready or prepared, because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again, scared of being vulnerable scared of looking stupid. This fear manifested itself in many different ways—short temper, stand-offish attitude and a rude tone.  I’m inadvertently pushing him away, because I haven’t fully committed my heart and mind to the fact that not only am I ready to be loved, but there is a man ready to love me. 

Once again, I feel confused, on edge and not in control. And I know I’m only feeling these things because my mind is trying to deny what my heart already knows. I’m traveling through this world pretending not to feel a certain way about him and I’m weary. I’m weary and a bit nauseated. It truly makes me sick to my stomach hiding how I truly feel about him.  So now I’m a tired, sick actress and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t love him. 

Love…

Such a beautiful thing,

So much it can bring

It makes your heart sing,

Makes your emotions swing,

Immunes any sting,

Sharpens your spirit’s ring.

It’s much deeper than a fling;

Love gives your body wings!

Venturing Into the Unknown

I’m confused. Seriously. I have all these feelings and emotions, and I don’t know which way they are pulling me. For every feeling and thought telling me to go in one direction, there is an equal and opposite feeling telling me to go another (I think I’ve finally figured out what Isaac Newton was talking about!). I truly don’t know what to do. Should I get back together with my ex or should I stay single?

I feel like if I’m enjoying my single life and my independence, then there needs to be a pretty compelling reason to move away from this comfortable state I’m in.  And to be honest, I haven’t discovered that reason yet! My ex is thoughtful, considerate, funny and loving, but he will be all of those things tomorrow. So I need something more than that. I need to know why I can’t live without him right now. And maybe that’s the problem—I want to know too much and there are some things you will never know. You can think things or believe things or feel things, but maybe never know them.

But right now, I’m not even sure what I think, feel or believe. The only feeling I have is confusion and for now, I’m content with that.