Beyond the Breaking Point

I'm ready to make a move!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then I must be obsessed with you by now, because absence is all we’ve ever known. All we’ve known is the feeling of longing and desire to be close to each other. All we’ve known is withdraw.

Well, I’m fond enough of you. I’ve reached my “fondness” limit. I don’t need to grow anymore fond of you. This is good enough. I’m ready to be present with you. I’m ready to build upon the fondness that absence created. I’m ready, he’s ready, nature’s ready—it’s as if everything is aligning to build and construct a love based upon the fondness. 

The only problem is knowing when the alignment period is over. When will all the stars align to form that perfect constellation in the sky? How will I know when I’m supposed to walk through the open doors in front of me? When will I know that all of my ducks have formed a row?

I don’t want to wait for the perfect situation to happen, but I also don’t want to rush things. If I wait on perfection, that will never come, but if I hurry the situation up, that could be bad as well.

The waiting game is agonizing when the person you are waiting on is already in your life. Which begs the question, what are we waiting on? If we are tired of being apart, why don’t we get closer? Get closer in every sense—physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially. 

Absence may make the heart grow fonder but only to a certain point. Then it reaches its breaking point and causes the heart to suffer. We’ve put our hearts through too much suffering…

 

Vulnerability for the Sake of Being Vulnerable

As I’ve been on this journey of understanding who I am—in and out of relationships—one of the things I have been struggling with is vulnerability. I have not allowed myself to be completely vulnerable in relationships and I have been trying to figure out why. Fear? Lack of emotional investment? Lack of trust? I fully explored all of those things, really trying to uncover the deep-seeded emotional problem in my life.

What I am discovering is that I have to have a reason to be vulnerable. I have to have a reason to be open to hurting and being defenseless. Currently, I have no reason, no basis for being vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be weak, defenseless, caught off guard; therefore, just based upon pure definition, one is most vulnerable when they are surprised or taken out of their comfort zone. So if I’m living my daily routine and everything is status quo, there is no reason to expose my vulnerabilities, because I’m comfortable and confident in my environment. In order to truly bring the vulnerable side of me out, I need change in my life, I need something different to happen.

I believe that’s the thing that’s missing in the relationship I’m currently in—the element of surprise. Everything we do is so methodical that I always know what’s coming. I know much of that has to do with our being in a long-distance relationship.  We have to have set times to talk and set times to visit each other, but we are going to have to bring some spontaneity into the relationship in order to keep it fresh, passionate and honest. Much of vulnerability is about honesty and being willing to express all of you. Spontaneity challenges the status quo and forces new emotions and behaviors to come out that had not been exposed before. Spontaneity strips away the layers of confidence and comfort to expose the vulnerabilities. 

That’s what needs to happen. I need to be caught off guard enough that my confidence does not get in the way of my love and humility—the softer side of me. I need a reason to be vulnerable…without that reason, something in me won’t allow myself to expose the inner most parts…I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable for vulnerability’s sake…

You're Finally Here...Now What?

Now that he's back, I'm not sure what I want.

You came. I was waiting with opens arms and you finally came. And you came on strong. It’s like you awakened one day and decided you were going to work hard to get all the things you ever wanted in life. And one of the things you wanted was me. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was somewhat caught off guard. You were ready to give me everything I wanted and desired from you, yet now I was the one hesitating. I was slow to move, slow to react. I had been so used to waiting and being in a stationary position that it was hard to put my body, my feelings, my emotions in motion. 

So that’s where I’m at—slow to move. I’m willing myself to move, willing myself to be happy and excited that you want all the same things that I want in life.  But I’m stuck…frozen. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was in shock. I was unable to get out of my “single girl mentality” and think about the possibility of being “someone’s girlfriend.” You finally came, finally expressed all the things that I’ve been waiting to hear, finally were ready to love me the way that I deserve to be loved and now I’m the one pushing away. I’m pushing away the thoughts of living happily ever after with you; I’m pushing away the thoughts of having babies with you and I’m pushing away the thought that this is actually happening to me. I’m suppressing these thoughts because I’m afraid if I think about them too long and hard, I’ll wake up--wake up from this dream I must be having.

So I stop thinking and stop doing…I remain completely still. I’m afraid to get out of my normal single-girl routine. I’m afraid that as soon as I start changing my mindset and acting like a “taken girl,” someone will pinch me and I’ll awake from this blissful affair. 

But I can only stay still for so long. At some point, I need to have faith and believe that this is the real thing. I need to believe that you do truly want me back in your life—for good. I must believe that this is real. I must believe in you—in us—and I must take a risk. You’ve put yourself out there, now it’s time for me to join you. 

You came…you came at a time when my heart was open, my mind was clear, and my emotions were ready….

Now I Know What I Want

He's at the center of my thoughts...even in my dreams.

Every time I talk about you I want to be back together with you. Every time I relive our time together, I want to be back together with you. As I’m writing these words, I want to call you and tell you I love you and never stopped loving you. 

I search for you in my dreams—just waiting for a glimpse of you among the jumble of images, characters and abstract beings. In the midst of the haze, you reveal your face. Our love is so strong, so vivid, so real in my dream that I awake thinking, feeling, hoping that you will be lying next to me. I feel like staying asleep forever just so I can be with you. 

I get a taste of your pure, unadulterated love and I immediately succumb to your spell. I’m in—all in. I want you. I want you back and I’m not afraid to say it!

Another Chance at Love?

Can we put it all behind us? Should we? *

Here I am at this crossroads with my ex. He hurt me…I hurt him. Now we’re even…right? Is that how it works? Eye for an eye? That seems like a somewhat barbaric proposition for two people who once loved each other. Nevertheless, it is reality, and somehow it does make our situation a little easier.  

I had such a thick shield up. I felt like I had the upper hand with him because he hurt me! But after I evened the score, there was no room for pride…only humility. With humility came appreciation; with appreciation came love. That is the sequence of emotions I felt once I allowed myself to acknowledge that he really didn’t hurt me on purpose. On the same token, he realized I didn’t purposefully hurt him either. Both of us were acting out of “survival mode.” Unfortunately, sometimes in the midst of trying to take care of yourself, you have no room to take care of other people. So we hurt each other. Done. Now what? That’s what we are trying to figure out…

*Image by Alexander Redmon