You're Finally Here...Now What?

Now that he's back, I'm not sure what I want.

You came. I was waiting with opens arms and you finally came. And you came on strong. It’s like you awakened one day and decided you were going to work hard to get all the things you ever wanted in life. And one of the things you wanted was me. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was somewhat caught off guard. You were ready to give me everything I wanted and desired from you, yet now I was the one hesitating. I was slow to move, slow to react. I had been so used to waiting and being in a stationary position that it was hard to put my body, my feelings, my emotions in motion. 

So that’s where I’m at—slow to move. I’m willing myself to move, willing myself to be happy and excited that you want all the same things that I want in life.  But I’m stuck…frozen. Your desire for me was so strong and so sudden that I was in shock. I was unable to get out of my “single girl mentality” and think about the possibility of being “someone’s girlfriend.” You finally came, finally expressed all the things that I’ve been waiting to hear, finally were ready to love me the way that I deserve to be loved and now I’m the one pushing away. I’m pushing away the thoughts of living happily ever after with you; I’m pushing away the thoughts of having babies with you and I’m pushing away the thought that this is actually happening to me. I’m suppressing these thoughts because I’m afraid if I think about them too long and hard, I’ll wake up--wake up from this dream I must be having.

So I stop thinking and stop doing…I remain completely still. I’m afraid to get out of my normal single-girl routine. I’m afraid that as soon as I start changing my mindset and acting like a “taken girl,” someone will pinch me and I’ll awake from this blissful affair. 

But I can only stay still for so long. At some point, I need to have faith and believe that this is the real thing. I need to believe that you do truly want me back in your life—for good. I must believe that this is real. I must believe in you—in us—and I must take a risk. You’ve put yourself out there, now it’s time for me to join you. 

You came…you came at a time when my heart was open, my mind was clear, and my emotions were ready….