Faith vs. Foolishness

Faith. How much should you believe in a relationship before you decide it’s too much?  Should you continue to walk blindly toward an end goal that is not visible?  When do we know when it’s time to turn around and walk the other way in order to avoid falling off the ledge?

I feel like I’m dangerously close to the ledge, but every time I go to take another step closer, I somehow have solid ground to walk on.  Every time I feel like I’m at my breaking point, I get renewed energy and renewed love that enables me to continue on the journey.

I’m just not sure how long the ground will hold up—how long will I be able to endure this uncertainty.  Each day, each moment in our relationship is uncertain, unknown.  We know we still want to be together, but we don’t know when is it time to take the next step, when should we move to the same city, how long will our current situation last, and so on.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and that scares me.  BUT the fact that I’m willing to stick around to see what’s on tap for tomorrow brings him certainty.  The fact that I’m willing to go with the flow and jump through any and all hoops in order to make our relationship work makes him feel secure.

I also feel secure in him but insecure in our situation; which is where the faith comes in. 

I just need to balance faith with foolishness.  I don’t want to believe so much in the relationship that I’m missing something right in front of my face. 

Like they say, "Love is blind."  I just hope this blind love doesn’t cause me to fall…

Looking Back at Single Life

…Single girl life…it’s had many adventures. I had crushes on boys and tried to get them to notice me. I’ve had kisses with random boys and tried to get them to forget me. I’ve had days and weeks of uncertainty: is he going to call? Does he like me as me as I like him? Why did he stop talking to me?

Single girl life brought many adventures, but the adventures I’ve been through since I’ve been in a relationship have been more intense, more meaningful.

This past weekend was no exception. I decided to go to the wedding of an old guy friend by myself. Wrong! There were so many things wrong with that, but I at least I’ve learned for the future:

1)       Never go to weddings by yourself when you are in a committed relationship

Done. The list stops there because that alone was enough. I had a good time at the wedding and I’m glad I went. I just wish I would have brought my boyfriend with me. The wedding was a grand event; I wish he had been there to experience with me.

Not to mention, weddings put you “in the mood.” Whatever that “mood” is, a wedding will get you there quicker. If you are feeling sentimental, a wedding will heighten that. If you are feeling sexual, a wedding will stimulate that. If you are feeling frustrated, a wedding will let you know what exactly is frustrating you.

So why would sexually-frustrated, sappy me go to a wedding by myself? The jury is still out on that one…

But the adventures that ensued because of my decision were very interesting.  I found my hormones wanted to be around any person with a pee-pee and my heart only wanted to be around one pee-pee and he was 1,000 miles away in Atlanta. So my heart and my hormones waged a war this weekend—I’m proud to announce that my heart won out! I made it through the entire wedding without losing my mind, my morals, or my man! 

But why even put myself through that?! Classic rookie mistake—I will never go to a wedding without my significant other again! This was an adventure I do not want to repeat.

Ready to Make THE Move

We are finally doing it—we are finally talking about moving closer to each other. We are finally making the hypothetical, real. 

My long-distance boyfriend and I are embarking on the next phase of our journey. We’ve done long distance for a very long time and we are over it. We are over the fact that we have to miss key events in each other’s lives. We are over the fact that we can’t sit and watch a basketball game together. We are over the fact that we can only see each other once every four weeks. 

Our frustration with our current situation was exacerbated this past weekend when we were able to spend significant time together. We had so much fun together and couldn’t understand why we weren’t able to be together all the time. People move everyday—whatever we have or do in our respective cities, we can find equivalents to in another city. 

So we are over it—we are going to make a change. That change may not be tomorrow, but it will also not be a year from now. We are now doing the things necessary to make that change sooner rather than later. 

“Goodbye”

Goodbye to loneliness

I am alone no more.

Goodbye to confusion

My curiosity will explore.

Goodbye to sadness

I have joy in my life.

Goodbye to heartache

I have no more strife.

Goodbye to the cold

Refuge I have sought.

Goodbye to the hate

Love has been bought.

Goodbye to the anger

There is peace within.

Goodbye to forever

I have you till the end.

We have finally come to the point where we are willing to sacrifice our current situations in order to make room for a better situation with each other. We always wanted to make the leap, but were never mentally ready to do so...we are finally there!

One step forward, two steps back…

I know relationship weren’t meant to be perfect but it seems to me that during this time that my boyfriend and I are on this “journey to understanding our relationship,” we would make a conscious effort to do things better than we’ve done before.  The purpose of this journey is to understand the significance of our relationship and what sacrifices we should make in order to strengthen the relationship.  However, if we are angry or frustrated with each other during this journey then it clouds the clarity that we are trying to achieve. 

If we are upset with each other while we are going down this path, then those negative emotions could lead us down a path that we weren’t designed to go. 

But when my boyfriend does insensitive things (consciously or unconsciously), then I have no choice but to be upset and frustrated.   When my boyfriend schedules a time for us to talk over the phone and then misses that time by an hour because he was playing video games, how else am I supposed to feel besides annoyed and angry?

I’m trying to suppress those negative emotions but he’s making it so hard!  Normally, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems to me that he’s not trying at all.

Or I could be being dramatic and that was just one night, one missed phone call, and one part of the journey.   Maybe, by definition, the journey must have this forward and backward movement. I guess if everything was perfect during this journey, that could also lead us down a wrong path as well….

Maybe what this “journey” we are going down is teaching us about is the journey of life and marriage with each other.  Maybe there must be ups and downs in this journey, and times of angry and frustration in this journey, because that’s realistic to life.  Maybe I’m supposed to be learning how to learn from them and move on from them.

…one step forward, two steps back….ALL part of the journey!

Lost

We are lost in our relationship. We are swimming, swarming, swirling—trying to make sense of our relationship. Every time we feel as if we have a strong foothold, a balanced sense of gravity; something comes and knocks us off balance.

And that “something” (whatever it may be) always comes at inconvenient moments. That “something” comes when we least expect it, when things are going well, when we are on cloud nine. That “something” has a way of detecting joy and conveniently inserting itself in the weakest areas of our relationship.

That “something” for us is plane tickets and travel. It is essential to our long-distance relationship that we see each other at least once a month. If we go even a week beyond that, we start feeling it in our relationship. We start getting frustrated more easily and start getting snippier with each other. Well, this month when we went to buy our plane tickets, they were very expensive. And not regular-level expensive, but $600 expensive!

That expense was the “something” that broke the camels’ back. That “something” found its way into the weak parts of our relationship—money and distance.

From there, we were knocked to the ground, scrambling to get up. But we didn’t know which way was up.  We became frustrated with each other but we were really frustrated with the circumstances. We wanted to blame the world, but could only blame ourselves. 

So in an instance cloud nine became rock bottom. Walking on sunshine became living in the trenches. It wasn’t necessarily about the plane tickets, the tickets were just the catalyst. What we were really frustrated with was the fact that we are still living far apart from each other after, that neither one of us is willing to sacrifice our lives in our respective cities, and that neither one of us has the means to quit our jobs and move anywhere. 

So we are trying to find our footing again. Trying to make sense of our relationship, but it’s only a matter of time before “something” comes and knocks us back down…

Depleted

I’m weak—you’ve depleted me. You’ve depleted my energy, my hope, my desire, my happiness. You have depleted me. I’m empty. 

I’m grasping for your love, your affection, your energy to fill me up…to make me whole. I’m looking to you to fulfill your role in my life. I’m leaning on you to provide me laughter, support, entertainment, encouragement and security; but, lately, all you’ve provided me is frustration, pain and doubt. 

I doubt you. I doubt what you’re saying is true. I doubt what you’re feeling is real. I doubt that our time together is forever. I have doubts because you’ve introduced them. Once I’ve been introduced to something, it’s hard for me to forget it. 

I soak everything in—every hurtful moment, every beautiful moment. I store it up and use it as fuel for days like today. Days like today, I’m weak, I’m low; but the beautiful moments of yesterday work to fill me up a bit. I’m confused about your actions and your words; but the loving words of adoration and appreciation turns my confusion to confidence. I’m unsure about how I feel; but the moments I’ve felt in the past work to make up for the feelings of today...

“Security”

Up, down, up and down

The movement of my emotions

Contrary to a child on a seesaw

This undulation is not enjoyable.

The abrupt changes make me dizzy.

Whirling, whirling, “ashes, ashes

We all fall down,”

Yet I don’t get back up.

Tired , frustrated, upset, confused,

Are only a few of those emotions

That are whirling through my mind.

I’m caught in a current that is

Pulling me towards destruction

“we fall down, but we get up”

“We fall down, but we get up”

These words are chanting in my brain

Suddenly my whithered flower is in full bloom.

Having new hope, I remember that

“a saint is just a sinner who fell down”

But the catch is he “then got up.”

Now my teeter-totter of emotions

Has now become a balance beam.

My emotions are more steady

But it is easier to fall off,

Yet the ultimate coach is there to guide me along

Holding my hand, keeping me strong.

  

I am weak, but He is there to make me strong!