The Sun Is Shining

Photo by Robert Michie

The sun is shining…

You finally got it—you were finally able to see and understand what was needed to make our relationship bloom. You were finally able to see that time, energy and effort must go into the relationship in order for the relationship to bear fruits of love, joy and hope.

But in order for you to give time to the relationship, you needed time. You needed time to understand that long-distance didn’t mean long times of no communication. The distance should be a product of our physical proximity, not our emotional immediacy.  

The sun is shining…

I’m in like with the man you are. I’ve always loved you, but I truly like spending time with you and doing things together. I like how you make me laugh in the mornings with the crazy things you think of; I like how when I start singing a random song, you immediately join in; I like how you call me in the mornings to make sure I’m up. 

The sun is shining because you add light to my life. When your light penetrates my life, it makes my mood better, my perspective change and my disposition alter. 

The clouds rolled away last night to reveal your love. I had been frustrated, upset and confused, but in an instant, you let your love shine through and reveal to me that there’s no need for me to be any of those things. Your love lifted the frustration, eased the anger and simplified the confusion. Your love altered my emotions because I truly felt like you got it. You got that all I’m yearning for is your time and attention, which signals love to me. 

The sun is shining, because you took the time to let it shine…

Falling In Love Again

I fell in love with you all over again last night. You never cease to surprise and amaze me. And it’s not the big things that impress me, but the little things. The little things you do that show you care or show you remember are what really tell me you love me.

It was something as little as me not having to remind you to pick something up for me that threw me over the edge. I fell over the edge in love with you just because you remembered to do something!  But that’s the way love works—love celebrates the finest of details. 

Love notices the little details that occur. The different way you look at me. The extra time you spend preparing for a special occasion. The tighter grasp you have on my hand as we are walking down the street. The warm smile you give me as you are introducing me to people.

Love notices and appreciates the things that infatuation and lust would never observe. Infatuation is more superficial, more obvious. Infatuation sees your brown eyes and appreciates how beautiful and soft they are. Love sees your brown eyes and allows those brown eyes to peer deeply into me and expose my core, my most vulnerable state. Lust feels the touch of your hand and  I immediately get chills down the spine, while love feels the touch of your hand and allows those hands to comfort and protect me from harm. Love is about how I feel when I am with you and what that feeling enables me to do. The feeling of love enables me to expose myself—my flaws, insecurities, strengths and weaknesses. 

Just when I think I have you and me figured out, something you do surprises me and makes me fall even deeper in love, which I didn’t think was possible!

Out of Control...But in a Good Way

You make my day—you make my day better, brighter and bigger. You have a way of seeping into my core and filling me up with joy. You permeate my being and cause me to explode with delight from the inside out.

And it’s the little things you do that cause me to feel so overwhelmed with joy.  It’s the way you send me little pictures and notes throughout the day. It’s the way you describe how beautiful I am to you. It’s the way you make me laugh—laugh so hard that I can’t control myself. Two days ago, I literally hit the car in front of me because I was laughing so hard about something you said.  My hysterical laughing while at the red light caused me to let my foot off the break a bit and roll into the car in front of me. Luckily it didn’t cause any damage to the person’s car, but this is what you do to me—you cause me to lose control. 

I feel out of control when I’m around you; like I’m operating purely on emotion as opposed to thought. I’m love drunk—I’m not making clear decisions. All the decisions I’m making are with my heart and not my head; which may be a good thing…

My heart experiences things deeper. It makes ordinary things seem superb, like a fantasy. My world when I’m with you is filled with unicorns and rainbows and care bears! Clouds in the shape of hearts are floating around in the sky and all day I just bounce around from one cushy surface to the next. 

You make my day better because I’ve finally allowed you to impact my days. I’m so glad I’ve finally opened my heart up to you because the wonder and glee I see and feel is something I would never want to escape. 

Venturing Into the Unknown

I’m confused. Seriously. I have all these feelings and emotions, and I don’t know which way they are pulling me. For every feeling and thought telling me to go in one direction, there is an equal and opposite feeling telling me to go another (I think I’ve finally figured out what Isaac Newton was talking about!). I truly don’t know what to do. Should I get back together with my ex or should I stay single?

I feel like if I’m enjoying my single life and my independence, then there needs to be a pretty compelling reason to move away from this comfortable state I’m in.  And to be honest, I haven’t discovered that reason yet! My ex is thoughtful, considerate, funny and loving, but he will be all of those things tomorrow. So I need something more than that. I need to know why I can’t live without him right now. And maybe that’s the problem—I want to know too much and there are some things you will never know. You can think things or believe things or feel things, but maybe never know them.

But right now, I’m not even sure what I think, feel or believe. The only feeling I have is confusion and for now, I’m content with that.

Are You a Lover or a Shrink?

Give and take. Back and forth. Ebbs and flow. Ups and downs. Win some, lose some—At the end of the day, it all balances itself out! At least that’s what we tell ourselves when we are in relationships. But what happens when it’s not balanced; when one party is giving over and above what the other one is giving?  What happens when you are giving so much that you don’t have much left to give? At some point the river runs dry…

But what are you going to do? Break away from the relationship when that person really needs you? I mean, you must be giving because that person really needs to take. He needs to take the shoulder you’re offering. He needs to take the money you’re lending. He needs to take the hope you're exuding. He needs you. At least, that’s how you feel. So you keep giving, thinking that this time will be the last and then he’ll be able to give back to you. But it’s not the last, so you give again…and again… At some point, you begin to feel like more of a counselor than a girlfriend….

So here you are, in the middle of this session, he’s lying on your couch, and once again he needs your services. You’ve given all that you have—tick tock—the minutes are flying by and you don’t have anything to show for the session except a heavier burden on your shoulders and lighter weight in your wallet. Tick tock—it’s time to tell him his time is up!

Must Nice Guys Always Finish Last?

Could he be my Prince Charming?

So I’m going on a date with this guy…why? Honestly, I’m not quite sure. I’m not quite sure why I danced with him at the club. I’m not quite sure why I gave him my number. I’m not quite sure why I agreed to go on a date. So I’m not quite sure how I got to this point with this man whom I didn’t even want to dance with, let alone go on a date with—except for the fact that he asked. That has to count for something, right? He asked to dance with me. He asked for my number. He asked if I would join him for dinner. So here we are: a classic case of “nice guys finish last.” This man is super nice and has done all the right things; yet I’m not looking forward to this date because I’m not interested, attracted, or amused—I’m just not that into him. On the other hand, I must ask myself why I’m not into him? Besides the obvious—I don’t know him. I don’t know him; therefore, I will at least be fair to him and get to know him. Then I’ll decide if I’m not into him based on who he is as opposed to who he seems to be or what he looks like. 

That gets me thinking:  why does “nice guy” automatically mean "unattractive guy"? Can’t attractive men be nice too? I think they want to be, but girls don’t give them a change. Attractive men are spoiled. They are spoiled because we girls don’t allow them to pursue us. We are so anxious to get a man that we hop on the first attractive one that isn’t in jail (at least not at the time), doesn’t have babies (at least not multiple) and isn’t married (at least not technically). So while the “attractive” are getting pursued, the “unattractive” play the nice-guy card (whether they are really that way or not) in an attempt to evoke pity from the female who wasn’t quick enough to get the attractive guy.

So here I am:  the slow girl with the nice guy…let the games begin!

*Image created by Penny Matthews.

Bittersweet Rejection

Rejected. I was rejected by him once again. And who is “him”? It doesn’t really matter who “him” is this particular time, because “him” represents all of them: all the men who have rejected me, either directly or indirectly, purposefully or mistakenly, temporarily or permanently. All the men whom I’ve allowed to make me feel rejected, less than and unwanted. All the men whom I’ve given power to—treating them as gods who are able to control my mood, actions and thoughts. All the men who were just doing what they were brought into my life to do—teach.  

Teach me what I don’t want in a man, teach me what I won’t put up with, teach me how not to act in a relationship, teach me that “him” is not the one! It’s a blessing that “him” continued to reject me because it gave me the time needed to love me, value me, know me. Through rejection came cultivation. So when “him” finally becomes you, I will be fully ripened and matured, ready to love completely. My rejection today is my gratification tomorrow!

A Ribbon in the Sky for Our Love...Or Just a Cloak for Our Lust?

Stevie told me that there’s a ribbon in the sky for our love. And I was so excited to hear that because this promised ribbon was the only evidence of our love.  There was no appreciation in the voice for our love, no meaning in the eyes for our love and definitely no ring on the finger for our love. So this ribbon, this highly-glorified, highly-anticipated, highly-trusted, cupid-acting strand of fabric better be special. So I went on a mission, an exploration if you will, to find this ribbon. This ribbon that would give me all the answers to the questions I had: Will you ever love me as much as I love you? “…a star will guide you my way...”  Are we actually supposed to be together or is it just convenient? “…this is not a coincidence…” Is love supposed to be this hard? “…we’ll find strength in each tear we cry…” Are we supposed to last forever? “…from now on, it will be you and I…” 

This ribbon seemingly had all the answers I wanted to hear, so I really needed to find it. The only clue I had of where to find it was “the sky.” But the sky is so vast and overwhelming; there must be a easier way to get to this ribbon. I needed directions or a map! So I began to ask for directions—directions to this ribbon that exemplified the last bit of hope that our love was real. I was pointed toward one direction and I was so excited when I got there because it looked like the ribbon, but I soon realized that it was just a cloak in the sky for our lust.  But I didn’t get discouraged; I pressed on.  

I must find this ribbon. Weeks, months are slipping by and I must get proof that this love is valid. So I asked someone else: do you know where I can find my ribbon in the sky? They pointed in the opposite direction. I was relieved they didn’t point me back toward lust but then when I got to the destination they described, it was just a kite in the sky for our illusions. The kite had a picture of the ribbon on it but was not the actual ribbon. So on I went.  But I decided not to ask for any more directions. I will let my compass be my guide. Slight left, then right, up a hill, across the river, through the valley, up steep terrain, around the bend until I finally found what I was searching for—my ribbon! But it wasn’t what I expected to see. It was torn, knotted, ratty and dull. My ribbon had been stomped on like a rug! All this time trying to find evidence of our love and once I found it, I decided that it wasn’t worth finding. What’s funny is that I knew that all along—I didn’t need a ribbon to tell me that our love was tarnished. But I wanted to see it for myself—needed to know that what my instincts were telling me was real. So I found my ribbon and it gave me answers—just not the ones I wanted…