Vulnerability for the Sake of Being Vulnerable

As I’ve been on this journey of understanding who I am—in and out of relationships—one of the things I have been struggling with is vulnerability. I have not allowed myself to be completely vulnerable in relationships and I have been trying to figure out why. Fear? Lack of emotional investment? Lack of trust? I fully explored all of those things, really trying to uncover the deep-seeded emotional problem in my life.

What I am discovering is that I have to have a reason to be vulnerable. I have to have a reason to be open to hurting and being defenseless. Currently, I have no reason, no basis for being vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be weak, defenseless, caught off guard; therefore, just based upon pure definition, one is most vulnerable when they are surprised or taken out of their comfort zone. So if I’m living my daily routine and everything is status quo, there is no reason to expose my vulnerabilities, because I’m comfortable and confident in my environment. In order to truly bring the vulnerable side of me out, I need change in my life, I need something different to happen.

I believe that’s the thing that’s missing in the relationship I’m currently in—the element of surprise. Everything we do is so methodical that I always know what’s coming. I know much of that has to do with our being in a long-distance relationship.  We have to have set times to talk and set times to visit each other, but we are going to have to bring some spontaneity into the relationship in order to keep it fresh, passionate and honest. Much of vulnerability is about honesty and being willing to express all of you. Spontaneity challenges the status quo and forces new emotions and behaviors to come out that had not been exposed before. Spontaneity strips away the layers of confidence and comfort to expose the vulnerabilities. 

That’s what needs to happen. I need to be caught off guard enough that my confidence does not get in the way of my love and humility—the softer side of me. I need a reason to be vulnerable…without that reason, something in me won’t allow myself to expose the inner most parts…I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable for vulnerability’s sake…

Wrestling With Gender Roles

How gender roles play into a relationship is interesting to observe—either directly or indirectly. Traditionally, we’ve had fairly defined gender roles placed on us by society and culture. The man is rough and rugged and provides for the household monetarily. The woman is soft and emotional and meets the domestic needs of the family. Although there were some obvious issues with that setup, it was very clear who did what in the household. Each person knew what their role was and how they contributed to the family’s needs.

Fast-forward to today—the way society has evolved has had a clear impact on gender roles and it has had a clear impact on relationships. For instance, I am extremely independent, I make decisions all day in my Corporate America job, I am very opinionated and don’t like to clean. So those traits and attributes spill over into my relationship. Therefore, I can be bossy, domineering, selfish and messy—all traits that I don’t think any man would intentionally sign up for. So I try to suppress those traits. I try to be more open, more patient and more inclusive; however, since those things aren’t natural for me, I often revert back to the selfish, impatient side. 

As a woman, I am struggling with being a strong, independent woman while also letting a man be a man and allowing him to make decisions. I’m struggling with being self-confident without being self-centered, being decisive without being domineering, being independent without being exclusive. I need to strike a balance in my life, but I don’t know the steps I need to take to find that balance.

I’m a traditional girl is so many ways; I actually do desire the man to be the head of the household. I would like to be able to come home from work and have a partner there to help make decisions with me. I even like the thought of putting on an apron and making dinner for my boyfriend/husband. But the independent side of me won’t let myself submit fully—that side wants to wants to run the show. Actually, that side does not necessarily want to run the show, but feels like she needs to run the show in order for the show to run properly. In order for everyone to be in their place when they need to be, in order for everyone to know their lines, in order for the show to start on time, the independent side feels a need to be the director. 

Can there be two directors in a relationship or will I need to step down? Or better yet, maybe he needs to step up? 

Let’s see how the roles we play in this relationship evolve as the weeks/months go on. What is clear is that in order for this relationship to be a success, we will both need to clearly understand our role in the relationship and we will both need to be satisfied with the other playing that part….

I Can Wait, But I Really Don't Want To

Love is patient. Love waits while he tries to find the find the right career path. Love waits while he tries to find the right basketball shoes. Love is patient, but it is also very impatient. When it comes to the one you love, love waits and is understanding; but when it comes to the two of you being together or living happily ever after, love wants the future to be now. 

I’m in a long-distance relationship right now and it is agonizing. The distance between us seems much greater now than it has ever been, but our love for each other is also greater. There seems to be a direct link between love and proximity—the closer you grow as a couple; the closer you want to be as a couple. Right now we are in that “i-love-you-don’t-ever-leave-me" stage, but we are forced to express that love over the phone. I’m tired of that—we both are.

I’m tired of waiting to see him. I’m tired of waiting to be near him and kiss him.  When you are in love, you shouldn’t have to wait to demonstrate that. Much of love is about impulses and doing things you normally wouldn’t do in the name of love; but the distance between us is destroying the spontaneity. Everything we do must be planned. When I see him, I have to think about it a month in advance. When I want to give you something, I have to give the postal service a week lead time. If I’m feeling lonely, I must suppress it to you come.

Our love can only take this distance and space for so long—it’s aching to break through the limitations that have been placed on it and totally encompass one another.

Love’s patience is wearing thin…

I Know Our Love Is Real....And That's Good Enough For Me

I'm ready to shout it from the mountain tops...

It’s always a tricky situation when you get back together with your ex. It’s not enough to convince yourself that things have changed and are better (which is a feat in and of itself), but you also have to convince your friends and family that things have changed! I’m in the process of attempting to convince people right now; and either I’m not that convincing or they are not that forgiving. Whichever one it is, I’m failing. Therefore, they are failing to see the great MAN my ex is now, the great spiritual leader he has become and the great supporter he continues to be. They fail to see that I didn’t just slip and fall in love with him again, but that I intentionally, but helplessly, leaped into his arms and allowed him to love me and, in return, love him back.

But should I even be trying to convince anyone? Is it enough that I’m convinced that he has changed and I shouldn’t need to work to try to convince anyone else?

I need to be more confident in our love. I need to be more proud to call him my man. I need to stop feeling the need to defend our love and just working on developing our love. The thing is I’m extremely proud of him and see the potential in him; however, because I don’t feel like everyone else sees that, my declaration of love softens when I’m around other people. 

Starting today, I’m going to begin my journey of only speaking positively of our relationships. I only want to affirm our love instead of accommodate the emotions of others. Beginning today, I will stop convincing and start confirming. Confirm the fact that I’m in love, confirm the fact that he is the man I want to be with, confirm the fact that our love is real!

Finally on One Accord

Here it comes…we both knew it was coming, but we were both avoiding it. Well, we can’t avoid it any longer. We were both anxious to understand “what we were doing.” We both know that we love each other; we’ve expressed that. And I think we both know the level to which we love each other, which is immensely, completely and entirely. But we had been doing too much thinking and not enough knowing. And the only way to know something is to say it. I needed to hear the words. I needed for him to say exactly what his intentions were for our relationship. I needed to know exactly what he wanted from me. 

So this talk had to come and it had to come now….

The hairs on my arms rise as I’m listening to you talk. I feel tightness in my chest and I remember to tell myself to breathe. I take in a deep breath and with it I take in all that you are telling me. ’m diligently listening and grabbing onto every single word you are saying. I don’t want to miss anything—its important that I hear and understand everything that you are saying and are not saying. “…I love you,” he says. And I know it’s coming, the infamous “but.” My heart quickens and my stomach forms a knot as my bodies reacts in anticipation of what he is going to say. My brain knows what he is going to say is not going to be good, because it’s never good. I don’t get the fairy tale—at least I’ve never gotten it in the past. My brain uses its knowledge of the past to predict what will happen in the present. Meanwhile, my heart holds out hope, because the heart only knows happy endings. As much as the heart has been broken and bruised before, it still believes in the possibility of love…it still believes that true love exists. “…and I have always loved you,” he continues. Why is he waiting so long for the “but"? I ask myself. My body stiffens with every new phrase that comes out of his mouth, while my brain becomes impatient with his monologue. The words are nice to hear, but they aren’t telling me anything new. I thought he wanted to discuss the future. I want something more for him, from us, but clearly he’s not…

Suddenly, I’m jarred out of my train of inordinate thoughts by the foreign words that are coming out of his mouth. “…Brooke, I will always love you. I want to love you and be with you forever. I see you as my wife and I want to spend this next year making sure that vision comes true.” 

I exhale and breathe an emphatic “I love you too!” I love him too. I want to be with him too! I want to marry him too! My brain and my heart are both overwhelmed—my brain is overwhelmed with information that it needs to process while my heart is overwhelmed with immense joy and expectation. Our love is finally united! 

A piece of you was dwelling in my heart and a piece of me was dwelling in yours. So when love finally brought us together, my heart leapt out of me to be reunited with the piece of me that was with you. 

I needed to know what he wanted…I learned that it was Me!

Prelude to "The Talk"

As a couple becomes more attached to each other, I find that they are also more sensitive to things. They are more easily excited and more easily affected, but they are also more easily annoyed and more easily angered…

…We both know something is wrong, but neither one of us is saying anything.  Both of us think we are good actors—nominees for the Academy Awards, but we are both delusional, because we aren’t fooling anyone. And we definitely aren’t fooling each other. It’s impossible for us to hide things from each other; we can try to put on a performance—change our tone of voice, act nonchalant, change the subject—but we both know the show only lasts so long. It’s exhausting to put on a mask, act a certain way that is not the authentic you. So we avoid each other. We make up reasons why we can’t talk or why we have to get off the phone:   

“Um…I have to get up early in the morning, so I need to go.” (But its only 8 o'clock at night; clearly, I could risk staying awake for another hour or so. 

“OK,” he says. “That’s cool... is everything OK”? (There it is….the question that always leads to a discussion of some sort. Whether it be now or tomorrow or later in the week, that question always precludes a debate.) 

Not quite ready for that debate yet, I answer, “Yep, everything is OK.”   

Clearly, we both know that is not the truth, but we both go with it, because we are both exhausted and aren’t really up to a “discussion” tonight…

So we went to bed. We tried to avoid the situation. Why—Because we didn’t want to argue. Since we are more sensitive to things, something that starts out as a minor annoyance can turn into a major argument about the status of our relationship and where we stand and what’s next for us. This is a conversation that at least one or both of us wants and needs to have, but are waiting for the right moment. To be honest, what’s really behind the sensitivity and the anger and the discontentment is care. These emotions are evidence that we care about each other and care about our futures together. If we didn’t care, the minor things that we do to each other would also not matter. 

These things affect us because the care that we have for each other is strong and hopefully lasting…so that night we avoided the talk, but I’m sure it’s coming soon…