Relationship Communication 101

Photo by Kriss Szkurlatowski

Does your man make a bad day better or worse?

I think that’s the litmus test for whether you are in a healthy relationship or not—whether he can turn around your bad day or make it even worse.

A man who can make you laugh or take your mind off things is a man who has cracked the code to a woman’s mind.  Because we get inside our own heads a lot and start overthinking things and over analyzing things, and sometimes we need someone to just grab us out of that mental meltdown and bring us back to reality.

But many times men can’t be that hero.  Many times men can’t make you smile in those situations.  In fact, it seems like men have this special power that makes them extra annoying when you’re going through something.  They seem to know just the thing to say that you didn’t want to hear. 

I see it with couples all the time.  The girl is having a bad day and she would rather talk to her mom and a girl friend instead of talking to her boyfriend.  Why? Because testosterone says and does stupid stuff.  And the girl doesn’t want to be bothered with that stupid stuff at that time.

So how do we fix the stupidity?  How do we educate men on what to say and not say on bad days?  Here are a few suggestions of things not to say:

·        “That doesn’t make any sense—why do you feel that way?”

·        “I just don’t understand what’s the big deal.”

·        “You need to calm down.”

·        Any phrase that generalizes or stereotypes women: “you women…”

There are many, many more, but those are the big ones that men should avoid. 

I believe all women should start helping men instead of criticizing them so they can be the men we need them to be on a daily basis, and especially on those not-so-perfect days. 

He Heard Me

Relationships are give and take, but what if no one is giving or taking? What happens when neither person is adding anything to the relationship, but also not taking anything away? When the give and take is gone, does that mean the passion is gone?

Is it okay to be in a passionless relationship?  Is lack of passion better than lack of turmoil? Or is the turmoil a signal of engagement in the relationship? 

Engagement—I think that’s what every couple is looking for. Each person in the relationship wants to know that the other is committed, is engaged, is paying attention. 

But I wasn’t feeling that engagement from him. I wasn’t feeling like he was paying attention. His words indicated commitment, but his actions were saying something different.

So last night I was over it. He called me talking about how his friends were coming over and how they were going to just hang out and maybe play cards or something. That was all I needed—the cards were the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just didn’t understand why he would rather hang out with his friends for the 20^th night in a row, instead of spend time with me. 

So I confronted him about it….

“….um….I’m confused as to why you are hanging out with your friends again instead of talking on the phone with me, when I’ve repeatedly told you that I need you to start spending more time with me…”

Silence.

“Seriously” I continue.  “It’s kind of ridiculous that I have to keep asking you to pay attention to me.”

He starts talking some blah, blah about how he knows and how he will do better.  Then we get off the phone.

Then I start to think. The TV is on but I’m not really watching it because I’m deep in thought. I’m thinking about how I’m not benefiting at all from this relationship.  I’m thinking about how he needs a wake-up call.  I’m thinking about how he takes me for granted. 

Then I get a text. I reach for my phone and see that the text is from him.  It states simply: “Date at 8:45.  Be ready.”

My heart immediately starts to flutter and all those girly feelings start flooding back.  He does hear me.  He does care!  By some divine intervention, he sent that text just at the right moment because my thoughts were spiraling out of control and everyone knows what happens to frustrated women who are left alone with their thoughts… all types of things were about to go down!

He called promptly at 8:45 and we had our phone date. It was so nice and fun.  His engagement reminded me of all the things I love about him. We have so much fun together, it’s crazy!

Hope this lasts!

The Power of Love

Love truly is powerful—it can make you do things that are seemingly out of character for you. Love can transform your mood or perspective on life. Love can encourage you, motivate you and persuade you. Love can put a rosy outlook on a bad situation. 

Love can do many things…but what Love cannot do is take away the little things that annoy you. Love can mask those little things for awhile, try to pretend like those little annoyances do not exist; but it cannot eliminate them completely.  And unfortunately, the one you love the most ends up being the one that can get you to that “annoyed” state the quickest. 

My boyfriend’s ANNOYING QUALITY OF THE WEEK is that he refuses to get a new cell phone charger. A couple months back, he misplaced his phone charger and has been using his car charger to charge his phone battery. Normally, I wouldn’t get upset over such a minor detail because at least he still has a method by which to charge his phone (i.e. the car); HOWEVER, it’s not that simple because his lack of a wall charger is impacting our relationship. It all came to a head one night when I thought he must be dead:

I’m sitting at home Wednesday evening watching TV when I get a text from my boyfriend saying he is on his way home and will call me within the hour. One hour goes by—no call. Thirty more minutes, still nothing. I don’t worry about it because I just figured it was taking him a bit longer than he expected to get home. Two hours now have gone by and I decide to text him: “Where are you”?  No response. Texts, calls, more texts—no response. At this point, 2 hours and 37 minutes go by and I’m thinking the worse.  Did something happen? Did he get in an accident? I hope he is okay. God, please let him by okay. Somewhere in the midst of worrying I fall asleep on the couch and am awaken at 3 in the morning by a phone call. My boyfriend is on the other line apologizing. I’m sorry, blah blah blah. I accidentally let my phone on the charger in my car and fell asleep.

So…all this time I’m thinking something awful has happened to him and he was just charging his phone! I was SUPER annoyed…and still am a little bit…

Clearly I still love him and my feelings for him have not changed. BUT my love for him was not able to overcome the extreme level of annoyance I had in that instance. 

Love is powerful—but not powerful enough!

Another Chance at Love?

Can we put it all behind us? Should we? *

Here I am at this crossroads with my ex. He hurt me…I hurt him. Now we’re even…right? Is that how it works? Eye for an eye? That seems like a somewhat barbaric proposition for two people who once loved each other. Nevertheless, it is reality, and somehow it does make our situation a little easier.  

I had such a thick shield up. I felt like I had the upper hand with him because he hurt me! But after I evened the score, there was no room for pride…only humility. With humility came appreciation; with appreciation came love. That is the sequence of emotions I felt once I allowed myself to acknowledge that he really didn’t hurt me on purpose. On the same token, he realized I didn’t purposefully hurt him either. Both of us were acting out of “survival mode.” Unfortunately, sometimes in the midst of trying to take care of yourself, you have no room to take care of other people. So we hurt each other. Done. Now what? That’s what we are trying to figure out…

*Image by Alexander Redmon