Crazy in Love?

The truth in my relationship is that I am crazy.  I am clearly the crazy, highly-emotional one in the relationship!

I try to act like I’m sane, like I don’t do and say irrational things; but the truth of the matter is, I do!  I could be fine one minute and as soon as my boyfriend says something to “set me off,” I’m not fine anymore.  In fact, I’m the opposite of fine.  I get irritated, angry, annoyed, and frustrated.  My eyes involuntarily begin to roll, my heart beat begins to quicken and my mind starts to race.  It races to see how quickly it can come up with a reason why whatever he is saying or doing is stupid, crazy, pointless, or insensitive.  The mind races toward a finish line of being “right,” but once I get there, I realized I haven’t really won anything. 

So then once I’ve realized that this “competition” (that I was in by myself) was pointless and dissatisfying, I immediately begin the race toward undoing what I’ve just said so things can be pleasant again.  There is no point in being “right” when everyone else is left.  There should be comfort in “right,” confidence in “right,” faith in “right.”  But when my boyfriend and I are in a disagreement and I’m “right,” I don’t always feel comfortable.  I’m usually uncomfortable because the right and wrong that we were debating was minor and I end up looking crazy because I debate it as if it were major. 

This crazy person (me) ends up being in this crazy cycle of ups and downs because I’m constantly trying to enhance the mellow and suppress the “extra.” 

I need to either let the mellow ride or let the extra do its thing.  But this constant cycle is getting tiring for my boyfriend and me. 

So I’m going to try the former—I going to try to mellow out a bit….

We will see how long that lasts…

Frustration

Frustration arises as I talk to you. Blood boiling, pulse racing, fingers trembling—all from you. You make me so mad sometimes. And I can’t even help it. I don’t want to get mad. I don’t want to get annoyed. I don’t want to get frustrated.  But you have a special way of making me feel that way sometimes. It’s like in some way you know the exact trigger to pull to take me from 0 to 60.

Right now, I’m at 60. I’m at my max. Not outwardly fuming, but inwardly boiling hot. I’m hot because I can’t count on you to make a decision about anything.

One day you make a decision. You say one thing; you tell me it’s definitely happening. Then the next day (literally), you saying something completely different and don’t bridge the gap between how we got from one “definitive” thing to another. 

It’s frustrating because with all these broken promises, I begin to get offended because I take it personally. I take it personally when you decide not to come visit me at the last minute. I take it personally when you say you’re going to call but end up with your friends. I take it personally when you make a plan for your life and forget to consult with me. I take it personally…

It is personal. You may not mean for it to be but it is. I, a person, am being taken for granted. So I, a person, am offended. And when I’m offended or get my feelings hurt, I express that in anger or frustration because those emotions are a little less “weak;” a little less vulnerable.

So yes, I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I annoyed. I’m mad. But, really, I’m hurt. I’m hurt that you can’t make decisions when it comes to me. I’m hurt that you prioritize other things over me. And I’m hurt that you don’t do what you tell me you’re going to do.

Frustration arose as I talked to you…masking the hurt I felt as more promises were broken…