Another Chance at Love?

Can we put it all behind us? Should we? *

Here I am at this crossroads with my ex. He hurt me…I hurt him. Now we’re even…right? Is that how it works? Eye for an eye? That seems like a somewhat barbaric proposition for two people who once loved each other. Nevertheless, it is reality, and somehow it does make our situation a little easier.  

I had such a thick shield up. I felt like I had the upper hand with him because he hurt me! But after I evened the score, there was no room for pride…only humility. With humility came appreciation; with appreciation came love. That is the sequence of emotions I felt once I allowed myself to acknowledge that he really didn’t hurt me on purpose. On the same token, he realized I didn’t purposefully hurt him either. Both of us were acting out of “survival mode.” Unfortunately, sometimes in the midst of trying to take care of yourself, you have no room to take care of other people. So we hurt each other. Done. Now what? That’s what we are trying to figure out…

*Image by Alexander Redmon

The Hurt I Felt When We Broke Up

I never meant to hurt you

That is what he said

I never meant to hurt you

But right to hurt was led

I was led down a path of insecurity and doubt

A path that trampled me until I too wanted out

I wanted us to make it to the end, you and I

I wanted us to both want to cross that finish line.

But I cannot drag you across that waving flag;

I cannot drag you and one day regret I had.

I wanted you to love us,

but you never truly did;

I wished for you to be in love with me,

but that wish was just too big.

So here I am 2 years later wondering what went wrong;

Here I am 2 years later in the midst of a sad love song. 

So while he’s “trying not to hurt me,”

he could’ve tried two years ago. 

He could’ve tried before I decided to let my defenses go.

You never meant to hurt me?  What you think you’d do?

Tell me that you wanted out and I would say, “Me too!”

No, that’s not the way it works

when you hide your true feelings. 

That’s not the way it works

when you don’t know with whom you’re dealing.

I was dating a figure, a cartoon who said what I wanted to hear.

A mix between Santa Clause and Papa Smurf who always brought good cheer!

But spare me the “Ho, ho, hos,” I’d rather hear the truth.

Spare me the “baby, I miss yous” cause I never saw the proof.

You lied to me, you’re a liar because of the stuff you didn’t say.

Because of your two years of lying, today I feel the pain.

So you never meant to hurt me? Ha. That joke’s funny…

Why don’t you go down the street and tell it to that girl, honey!

In the meanwhile, I’m gonna be OK…that’s a matter of fact.

And oh…when you realize that I was the one please don’t come back!

The Irony of Love

I’m sick. Literally sick over what I’ve done to you; to us. I’m in love with you…fully, deeply, completely and I treated you like shit! I treated you like shit, because I wanted you to feel the same way I did when we broke up. I subconsciously wanted you to feel hurt, betrayed and rejected. So that’s what I did--I hurt you, I betrayed you and I rejected you. But I also love you. So as I was doing those things to you, I was also doing them to myself. I was hurting, betraying and rejecting any future with you.  

I always thought he was lying when he said he never meant to hurt me, but now I know how he felt. It wasn’t my intention to hurt him; nevertheless, I did.

No Use in Hiding...

He holds the key to my heart...will he open it?

He’s seen the “real” me. He knows me. He knows when I’m upset. He knows when I want attention. He knows when I don’t feel loved. But we are broken up now.  So he is the villain, the enemy. So now the enemy knows my secrets—knows how to decode my message; unlock my combination.  

There is no hiding from him, but that is the person I want to hide from the most.  I don’t want him to know I still think about him. I don’t want him to know I still dream of him. I don’t want him to know I still care! So in an attempt to hide these feelings from him, I put even more of a shield up with him. Hell, it’s like a barricade. But the barricade is for him and me. I don’t want him knowing I still have feelings for him, but I also don’t want myself acknowledging I still have feelings for him. I am in denial—trying to fool everyone (myself included) that the curtains are closed on he and I. But the truth is…there may be a second act…

My Love Drug

You’re a drug…you are my drug. I feign for you, but I’ve never had you. I look into your eyes and get a hit, but then I yearn for you more. I resist the temptation to stare into your eyes for too long for fear of overdosing on your love spell.

You eyes. The way you look at me makes me feel like a little girl. Your eyes overpower me, take me over. I’m weak to your love spell; I can’t overcome it. I begin to blush, lose my words, shy away…it’s like I forget the strong, independent, dominant woman I am and revert back to the shy me—the vulnerable me. The real me.

Your eyes have a way of instantly stripping away the façade, the cover, the shield that I’ve placed over me to hide the real me. Your eyes see right through the tough Brooke Alexandria and see little Brookie. You see me, and it scares me. We both know you’re seeing the real me, but we react very differently to her.  I immediately retreat and grasp desperately for a blanket or cover in order to mask this seemingly undesirable person. However, you do the opposite. The fact that you know you’re seeing the real me draws you closer, makes you want more, makes you feel significant, dominant. The more you desire, the deeper your eyes search. The deeper your eyes search, the more of me I reveal. Not purposefully, but helplessly. I have no power against your weapon. And although I feel exposed and vulnerable, there’s a part of me that's excited. That little girl has been dying to come out, dying to see the light, dying to explore.  But she’s been hidden by years of lack of self worth and a wealth of pain. The pain and insecurity built a fortress that somehow you’re able to destroy.  You’ve got a hold of me and that scares me, because that makes you powerful.  A powerful drug—I deny you and desire you at the same time. You make me hurt so good! 

Breaking the Shield

As I travel down this road toward being the real, authentic “me” in relationships, I find myself hitting roadblocks of uncertainty. I’m not used to being open—opening myself up and, being open minded. I’m used to putting up a shield, hiding myself—shutting myself off so he doesn’t know my true feelings and emotions. 

In fact, the sure-fire way to tell if I am interested in a guy is to observe my physical proximity to him and my interactions with him. If I’m really talking it up with him and I’m seemingly flirting with him and gracefully touching his arm, that means I have no interest in him. That’s right—none! I’m comfortable with him, (which comes across as flirtatious) because I’m not scared that he will reject me (because I’ve already rejected him). On the other hand, if I’m being really distant with a guy and going out of my way not to talk to him and I seem a bit uncomfortable, that means that I’m interested in that guy and see potential in him. I know, it’s backwards, but it’s just how I’ve trained myself to operate. If I’m distant, then there’s no way he can reject me. The only bad side is that there’s also no way that he can accept me. So I’m my own worse enemy. 

There’s only a few people who have broken through the shield and have seen the real Brooke—those are the people I’m not just interested in, but whom I crush on hard…those are the people who give me a reason to expose myself….

Are You a Lover or a Shrink?

Give and take. Back and forth. Ebbs and flow. Ups and downs. Win some, lose some—At the end of the day, it all balances itself out! At least that’s what we tell ourselves when we are in relationships. But what happens when it’s not balanced; when one party is giving over and above what the other one is giving?  What happens when you are giving so much that you don’t have much left to give? At some point the river runs dry…

But what are you going to do? Break away from the relationship when that person really needs you? I mean, you must be giving because that person really needs to take. He needs to take the shoulder you’re offering. He needs to take the money you’re lending. He needs to take the hope you're exuding. He needs you. At least, that’s how you feel. So you keep giving, thinking that this time will be the last and then he’ll be able to give back to you. But it’s not the last, so you give again…and again… At some point, you begin to feel like more of a counselor than a girlfriend….

So here you are, in the middle of this session, he’s lying on your couch, and once again he needs your services. You’ve given all that you have—tick tock—the minutes are flying by and you don’t have anything to show for the session except a heavier burden on your shoulders and lighter weight in your wallet. Tick tock—it’s time to tell him his time is up!