Looking Back at Single Life

…Single girl life…it’s had many adventures. I had crushes on boys and tried to get them to notice me. I’ve had kisses with random boys and tried to get them to forget me. I’ve had days and weeks of uncertainty: is he going to call? Does he like me as me as I like him? Why did he stop talking to me?

Single girl life brought many adventures, but the adventures I’ve been through since I’ve been in a relationship have been more intense, more meaningful.

This past weekend was no exception. I decided to go to the wedding of an old guy friend by myself. Wrong! There were so many things wrong with that, but I at least I’ve learned for the future:

1)       Never go to weddings by yourself when you are in a committed relationship

Done. The list stops there because that alone was enough. I had a good time at the wedding and I’m glad I went. I just wish I would have brought my boyfriend with me. The wedding was a grand event; I wish he had been there to experience with me.

Not to mention, weddings put you “in the mood.” Whatever that “mood” is, a wedding will get you there quicker. If you are feeling sentimental, a wedding will heighten that. If you are feeling sexual, a wedding will stimulate that. If you are feeling frustrated, a wedding will let you know what exactly is frustrating you.

So why would sexually-frustrated, sappy me go to a wedding by myself? The jury is still out on that one…

But the adventures that ensued because of my decision were very interesting.  I found my hormones wanted to be around any person with a pee-pee and my heart only wanted to be around one pee-pee and he was 1,000 miles away in Atlanta. So my heart and my hormones waged a war this weekend—I’m proud to announce that my heart won out! I made it through the entire wedding without losing my mind, my morals, or my man! 

But why even put myself through that?! Classic rookie mistake—I will never go to a wedding without my significant other again! This was an adventure I do not want to repeat.

Ready to Make THE Move

We are finally doing it—we are finally talking about moving closer to each other. We are finally making the hypothetical, real. 

My long-distance boyfriend and I are embarking on the next phase of our journey. We’ve done long distance for a very long time and we are over it. We are over the fact that we have to miss key events in each other’s lives. We are over the fact that we can’t sit and watch a basketball game together. We are over the fact that we can only see each other once every four weeks. 

Our frustration with our current situation was exacerbated this past weekend when we were able to spend significant time together. We had so much fun together and couldn’t understand why we weren’t able to be together all the time. People move everyday—whatever we have or do in our respective cities, we can find equivalents to in another city. 

So we are over it—we are going to make a change. That change may not be tomorrow, but it will also not be a year from now. We are now doing the things necessary to make that change sooner rather than later. 

“Goodbye”

Goodbye to loneliness

I am alone no more.

Goodbye to confusion

My curiosity will explore.

Goodbye to sadness

I have joy in my life.

Goodbye to heartache

I have no more strife.

Goodbye to the cold

Refuge I have sought.

Goodbye to the hate

Love has been bought.

Goodbye to the anger

There is peace within.

Goodbye to forever

I have you till the end.

We have finally come to the point where we are willing to sacrifice our current situations in order to make room for a better situation with each other. We always wanted to make the leap, but were never mentally ready to do so...we are finally there!

Far Beyond "Love"

I wish there were a word for how I feel about you right now. I wish there were some way for me to express these intense feelings I have inside. I wish there were some way for you to know my heart, see my heart, feel my heart—I want you to totally understand the love I have for you. 

But it’s not just love...it goes beyond love. It goes beyond the overused term of affection. “Love” is not enough. “Love” is the word I’ve been using to express my feelings for you. Somehow, that word now doesn’t seem as relevant, as important, as powerful. That word has lost its edge. 

I need a word to express the feeling of warmth and comfort that fill my spirit when I’m near you. A word to express the feeling of pure excitement and glee when something good happens to you. A word that expresses the stuttering of my heart when you look at me a certain way. 

I need a word that expresses that I don’t ever want to leave your side. I love you. But it’s more than that. I adore you, I understand you, I know you, I feel you, I see you. I see who you are. I see who you will become. I see the man you’ve become and are still becoming, and I like that person. 

There’s not one word to communicate all the feelings I have filling up my heart.  But there are ways for me to show you and that’s what I want to do more of. I want to show you that you are the only man for me. I want to show you that you are constantly on my mind. I want to show you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 

What I’m learning on my journey toward developing our relationship is that the only way for me to truly express how I feel for you is through actions…so that’s what I’m going to do!

One step forward, two steps back…

I know relationship weren’t meant to be perfect but it seems to me that during this time that my boyfriend and I are on this “journey to understanding our relationship,” we would make a conscious effort to do things better than we’ve done before.  The purpose of this journey is to understand the significance of our relationship and what sacrifices we should make in order to strengthen the relationship.  However, if we are angry or frustrated with each other during this journey then it clouds the clarity that we are trying to achieve. 

If we are upset with each other while we are going down this path, then those negative emotions could lead us down a path that we weren’t designed to go. 

But when my boyfriend does insensitive things (consciously or unconsciously), then I have no choice but to be upset and frustrated.   When my boyfriend schedules a time for us to talk over the phone and then misses that time by an hour because he was playing video games, how else am I supposed to feel besides annoyed and angry?

I’m trying to suppress those negative emotions but he’s making it so hard!  Normally, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but it seems to me that he’s not trying at all.

Or I could be being dramatic and that was just one night, one missed phone call, and one part of the journey.   Maybe, by definition, the journey must have this forward and backward movement. I guess if everything was perfect during this journey, that could also lead us down a wrong path as well….

Maybe what this “journey” we are going down is teaching us about is the journey of life and marriage with each other.  Maybe there must be ups and downs in this journey, and times of angry and frustration in this journey, because that’s realistic to life.  Maybe I’m supposed to be learning how to learn from them and move on from them.

…one step forward, two steps back….ALL part of the journey!

Spiritual Journey: Day 3

It's Day 3 of our journey and we are already starting to feel closer and more in-tune with each other.  Just the fact that we both know that the other person is striving to make our relationship stronger and richer, is making our love more intense. 

We enjoy talking to each other even more because we are excited to hear what the other person has been learning in terms of the next phase of our relationship. 

This morning we were on the phone and I asked him how he was feeling about our relationship. He said two things: 1) I feel like I want to be near you every day, 2) I feel like I want to buy you are ring.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he wants to buy me a ring! Now, don’t get too excited, I don’t know when this ring would come or how it’s going to come. But just the fact that he is preparing for that is exciting!

So we both know we want to be with each other, and we both know we want that sooner rather than later. But we are still trying to figure out the how. How are we going to be together? How are we going to quit our jobs to live near each other? How are we going to sacrifice our current lifestyles?

But the biggest “how” is How could I ever live my life without him in it? That “how” only has one answer, I can’t.  I can’t live my life without him, so whatever sacrifices he or I need to make in order for that to happen, will need to be made. 

It's Day 3 of our journey and I already feel good about where we are. I still have a ton of questions, but I can take comfort in the fact that no matter the answer, I know he is somewhere in it…

The Next Phase: Embarking on a Spiritual Journey

Our journey toward building and understanding the significance of our relationship…

Today marks the first day of our journey toward my boyfriend and I really understanding and confirming the role we play in each others’ lives. We believe we play a significant, lasting role; however, we want to be sure of that significance and that duration. Therefore, we are embarking on a spiritual journey toward finding those answers.

The desire to go down this path was sparked by the need for us to figure out where our relationship is going long term. We know we love each other, but we also know we live in different cities. We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we also know we don’t have the financial means to do that at this time. We know that we want to spend every day together, but we also know we would have to sacrifice in order to make that happen. 

Before we start to sacrifice our jobs, friends, living situations, etc., we first thought it would be nice for us to get spiritual counseling. We don’t want to make decisions about the rest of our lives by ourselves. We want guidance, so we are turning to God in order to get that guidance. 

I’m excited to see what we will learn over the next few days, weeks and months of our journey. I’m also eager to see how our relationship will grow and strengthen during this time.   

As we go through this journey, I want to take you, the reader, along. I want you to learn what I’m learning, feel what I’m feeling, and understand what I’m understanding. You all will be our accountability partners and supporters as we really uncover what role our relationship plays and when that role will be realized.

Thanks for coming along with us…!