My Love Drug

You’re a drug…you are my drug. I feign for you, but I’ve never had you. I look into your eyes and get a hit, but then I yearn for you more. I resist the temptation to stare into your eyes for too long for fear of overdosing on your love spell.

You eyes. The way you look at me makes me feel like a little girl. Your eyes overpower me, take me over. I’m weak to your love spell; I can’t overcome it. I begin to blush, lose my words, shy away…it’s like I forget the strong, independent, dominant woman I am and revert back to the shy me—the vulnerable me. The real me.

Your eyes have a way of instantly stripping away the façade, the cover, the shield that I’ve placed over me to hide the real me. Your eyes see right through the tough Brooke Alexandria and see little Brookie. You see me, and it scares me. We both know you’re seeing the real me, but we react very differently to her.  I immediately retreat and grasp desperately for a blanket or cover in order to mask this seemingly undesirable person. However, you do the opposite. The fact that you know you’re seeing the real me draws you closer, makes you want more, makes you feel significant, dominant. The more you desire, the deeper your eyes search. The deeper your eyes search, the more of me I reveal. Not purposefully, but helplessly. I have no power against your weapon. And although I feel exposed and vulnerable, there’s a part of me that's excited. That little girl has been dying to come out, dying to see the light, dying to explore.  But she’s been hidden by years of lack of self worth and a wealth of pain. The pain and insecurity built a fortress that somehow you’re able to destroy.  You’ve got a hold of me and that scares me, because that makes you powerful.  A powerful drug—I deny you and desire you at the same time. You make me hurt so good! 

Breaking the Shield

As I travel down this road toward being the real, authentic “me” in relationships, I find myself hitting roadblocks of uncertainty. I’m not used to being open—opening myself up and, being open minded. I’m used to putting up a shield, hiding myself—shutting myself off so he doesn’t know my true feelings and emotions. 

In fact, the sure-fire way to tell if I am interested in a guy is to observe my physical proximity to him and my interactions with him. If I’m really talking it up with him and I’m seemingly flirting with him and gracefully touching his arm, that means I have no interest in him. That’s right—none! I’m comfortable with him, (which comes across as flirtatious) because I’m not scared that he will reject me (because I’ve already rejected him). On the other hand, if I’m being really distant with a guy and going out of my way not to talk to him and I seem a bit uncomfortable, that means that I’m interested in that guy and see potential in him. I know, it’s backwards, but it’s just how I’ve trained myself to operate. If I’m distant, then there’s no way he can reject me. The only bad side is that there’s also no way that he can accept me. So I’m my own worse enemy. 

There’s only a few people who have broken through the shield and have seen the real Brooke—those are the people I’m not just interested in, but whom I crush on hard…those are the people who give me a reason to expose myself….

Are You a Lover or a Shrink?

Give and take. Back and forth. Ebbs and flow. Ups and downs. Win some, lose some—At the end of the day, it all balances itself out! At least that’s what we tell ourselves when we are in relationships. But what happens when it’s not balanced; when one party is giving over and above what the other one is giving?  What happens when you are giving so much that you don’t have much left to give? At some point the river runs dry…

But what are you going to do? Break away from the relationship when that person really needs you? I mean, you must be giving because that person really needs to take. He needs to take the shoulder you’re offering. He needs to take the money you’re lending. He needs to take the hope you're exuding. He needs you. At least, that’s how you feel. So you keep giving, thinking that this time will be the last and then he’ll be able to give back to you. But it’s not the last, so you give again…and again… At some point, you begin to feel like more of a counselor than a girlfriend….

So here you are, in the middle of this session, he’s lying on your couch, and once again he needs your services. You’ve given all that you have—tick tock—the minutes are flying by and you don’t have anything to show for the session except a heavier burden on your shoulders and lighter weight in your wallet. Tick tock—it’s time to tell him his time is up!

Is There an "I" in "We"?

What does it mean to be in a relationship? Does it mean you are supposed to deny your own personal wants and desire to satisfy the desires of “us”? Or better yet, does it mean that you must give up all of yourself to demonstrate how much you are willing to put into the relationship? The selfish person in me believes that neither has to be true. And I only describe myself as selfish because that is the label that others (mainly the guy) put on me when I want to do things for ME. But I believe that neither has to be true, because I truly think that any strong, healthy relationship has an element of individuality in it. One must know who they truly are as a person in order to give any of the themselves over to another person. But how can a person really, really know what they want and what they need when their wants and desires are contingent upon another person’s wants and desires?

My answer is: you can’t! So what does it mean to be in a relationship? Well, to be in a relationship with me, means that we both still have our own lives and friends. We both still have our own hobbies and our own taste in music. We both still spend time alone with ourselves and deliberately factor in time away from each other. Most importantly, we both understand that we don’t need each other, but we both really want each other in our lives. But…since I am single, this is all hypothetical, so let’s see what I’m saying once I’m in a relationship again! ;)

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Dating Game

Sometimes the dating world can be so complicated. Complicated because you have two people who are trying desperately to get to know each other while at the same time trying desperately to mask their own flaws. Each person is truly interested in the other, while at the same time hoping the other doesn’t get too interested in knowing about their past situations. So then there’s this game that’s played between the two of them called “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You don’t ask me about my past relationships, and I won’t tell you. You don’t ask me about my crazy temper, and I don’t tell you. You don’t ask me about my baby, and I don’t tell you. I will only tell you if you ask me in direct question form, and only if you look me dead eyes, and only if you have a serious tone. People will use any excuse not to answer a question and any anecdote to divert your attention.

I’M OVER THAT!

Be open with me! If we are on the topic of past relationships, and you happen to have been married—you may want to mention that. If we are talking about babies and how much fun they are, and you happen to have one, or two, or three of them—now’s a good time to bring that up. If we are discussing how I hate cheaters, and you’ve cheated on every girl you’ve been with—do me a favor and just walk away now. A person who hides and covers things up in order for me not to find the skeletons in their closet is a person I don’t want to waste my time on. All of a sudden—that makes things much simpler!

Defining My Love Standards

Are my standards too high?

I want to be loved—I do. But I also want to love back. It’s not enough for someone to love me completely and unconditionally; I want to love him with the same depth and certainty. My desire to be loved does NOT outweigh my standards of love.

This begs the question:  What are my “standards of love,” and should I even put standards on love? I was out to dinner with friends the other night and they said I was putting unrealistic limitations on my love life. I was inhibiting myself, getting in my own way, cock-blocking myself! They indicated that because I have three requirements in a man—tall, athletic and considerate—that I am narrowing down “my fish” to ten eligible bachelors. However, I see it differently.  I agree that I may be narrowing down the playing field, but I’m okay with that because at least those ten people would be just for me! I know myself pretty well, and I know that if I lower my standards in order to get a man, I won’t fully and completely love that man once I get him. And what am I lowering my standards for…to make my friends happy? I’m perfectly content in the state I’m in…I’m taking care of myself and learning to truly, deeply love myself. When the time is right, someone will love me and I will unconditionally love him (I just hope that “right time” is while I’m still able to bear children)!

Searching for Chemistry

So I’m playing the dating game and it’s not a game a like to partake in, because it goes against the “authentic” Brooke I am trying to be in this part of my life.  But I feel like there is a certain, inevitable level of game-playing that must occur in the beginning of any dating situation in order to not hurt someone’s feelings.  For instance, I went on a date with this guy the other day and it was fine and went well, but honestly I just did not feel that raw, natural chemistry. There were other things I felt, like satisfaction that he was decently good looking and confirmation that men do still offer to pay for meals. I even felt excitement that a man actually listened to what I was saying enough to make reference to those things in other conversations. It was a pleasant date.

Unfortunately, a pleasant date does not make me want to put forth the energy to actually date a guy, because I can have a “pleasant” time with all types of people. I can have a pleasant time with anyone who can hold a conversation and complement me a couple times! :-) No, that’s not enough. I need chemistry, attraction, passionate energy flowing between the two of us. And that’s something that is pretty black and white—either it is there or it is not…

So here I am on this date with this “nice guy” and I’m trying to force myself to find the “gray” area in this chemistry thing. I’m trying to trick myself into maybe being attracted to him; while, at the same time, knowing that I’m not a girl that can “fake the funk.” So as you may have guessed, I was unsuccessful at finding that “gray” area, so I was pleasant to him, maintained good conversation, then made a mad dash from the restaurant to my car in an attempt to avoid the goodnight kiss (which, thankfully, I was successful at)! 

Needless to say, I don’t see a promising future with this guy!

Must Nice Guys Always Finish Last?

Could he be my Prince Charming?

So I’m going on a date with this guy…why? Honestly, I’m not quite sure. I’m not quite sure why I danced with him at the club. I’m not quite sure why I gave him my number. I’m not quite sure why I agreed to go on a date. So I’m not quite sure how I got to this point with this man whom I didn’t even want to dance with, let alone go on a date with—except for the fact that he asked. That has to count for something, right? He asked to dance with me. He asked for my number. He asked if I would join him for dinner. So here we are: a classic case of “nice guys finish last.” This man is super nice and has done all the right things; yet I’m not looking forward to this date because I’m not interested, attracted, or amused—I’m just not that into him. On the other hand, I must ask myself why I’m not into him? Besides the obvious—I don’t know him. I don’t know him; therefore, I will at least be fair to him and get to know him. Then I’ll decide if I’m not into him based on who he is as opposed to who he seems to be or what he looks like. 

That gets me thinking:  why does “nice guy” automatically mean "unattractive guy"? Can’t attractive men be nice too? I think they want to be, but girls don’t give them a change. Attractive men are spoiled. They are spoiled because we girls don’t allow them to pursue us. We are so anxious to get a man that we hop on the first attractive one that isn’t in jail (at least not at the time), doesn’t have babies (at least not multiple) and isn’t married (at least not technically). So while the “attractive” are getting pursued, the “unattractive” play the nice-guy card (whether they are really that way or not) in an attempt to evoke pity from the female who wasn’t quick enough to get the attractive guy.

So here I am:  the slow girl with the nice guy…let the games begin!

*Image created by Penny Matthews.

Trapped

I’m sitting at my desk at work and I feel trapped. Trapped—not because I don’t love my job and enjoy coming here, but trapped because I am unable to do exactly what I want to do right now! Right now I want to tell all men exactly what is on my mind. Right now I want to tell the guy on my football team that I think he’s cute and we should go out sometime. Right now I want to tell the guy I’m going to be going out with in a couple days that I don’t want to go out because you don’t meet my height requirement. I want to tell the cute guy at work that he was in my dream last night and I didn’t want to wake up from it. I just want to send a message to all men that says "I’m here, I’m real, I’m me and I’m no longer going to repress who I am to be who I think you want me to be"!

That message—that proclamation, if you will—is really not for them, but more for me. I want to gain the confidence and self-assurance to be the real, authentic me. I don’t want to be ashamed of how I feel. I want to put all my feelings and there and let the cards fall where they may. I’ve put my own restraints on myself. It’s time to take the handcuffs off….

My Path from Rejection to Gratification…

Slowly drifting through this world

Never listening yet never being heard

I am so lost and confused

Why am I the one that always has to lose?

When will my heart find yours?

Crawling daily through life’s ups and downs

Living each down with my face in a frown

My heart never flutters or ever skips a beat

I ever anticipate when our souls will meet.

My heart will soon find yours.

As I’m going through life ever still

A rush over my body, suddenly I feel

This feeling is something I’ve never felt before

It’s warm and refreshing, it opened the door

To my heart as it found yours.

Your love has truly opened my eyes

My whole world is now comprised

Of joy and contentment within my soul

After all this time, I finally know

That my heart has found and will never lose yours.