Bittersweet Rejection

Rejected. I was rejected by him once again. And who is “him”? It doesn’t really matter who “him” is this particular time, because “him” represents all of them: all the men who have rejected me, either directly or indirectly, purposefully or mistakenly, temporarily or permanently. All the men whom I’ve allowed to make me feel rejected, less than and unwanted. All the men whom I’ve given power to—treating them as gods who are able to control my mood, actions and thoughts. All the men who were just doing what they were brought into my life to do—teach.  

Teach me what I don’t want in a man, teach me what I won’t put up with, teach me how not to act in a relationship, teach me that “him” is not the one! It’s a blessing that “him” continued to reject me because it gave me the time needed to love me, value me, know me. Through rejection came cultivation. So when “him” finally becomes you, I will be fully ripened and matured, ready to love completely. My rejection today is my gratification tomorrow!

A Ribbon in the Sky for Our Love...Or Just a Cloak for Our Lust?

Stevie told me that there’s a ribbon in the sky for our love. And I was so excited to hear that because this promised ribbon was the only evidence of our love.  There was no appreciation in the voice for our love, no meaning in the eyes for our love and definitely no ring on the finger for our love. So this ribbon, this highly-glorified, highly-anticipated, highly-trusted, cupid-acting strand of fabric better be special. So I went on a mission, an exploration if you will, to find this ribbon. This ribbon that would give me all the answers to the questions I had: Will you ever love me as much as I love you? “…a star will guide you my way...”  Are we actually supposed to be together or is it just convenient? “…this is not a coincidence…” Is love supposed to be this hard? “…we’ll find strength in each tear we cry…” Are we supposed to last forever? “…from now on, it will be you and I…” 

This ribbon seemingly had all the answers I wanted to hear, so I really needed to find it. The only clue I had of where to find it was “the sky.” But the sky is so vast and overwhelming; there must be a easier way to get to this ribbon. I needed directions or a map! So I began to ask for directions—directions to this ribbon that exemplified the last bit of hope that our love was real. I was pointed toward one direction and I was so excited when I got there because it looked like the ribbon, but I soon realized that it was just a cloak in the sky for our lust.  But I didn’t get discouraged; I pressed on.  

I must find this ribbon. Weeks, months are slipping by and I must get proof that this love is valid. So I asked someone else: do you know where I can find my ribbon in the sky? They pointed in the opposite direction. I was relieved they didn’t point me back toward lust but then when I got to the destination they described, it was just a kite in the sky for our illusions. The kite had a picture of the ribbon on it but was not the actual ribbon. So on I went.  But I decided not to ask for any more directions. I will let my compass be my guide. Slight left, then right, up a hill, across the river, through the valley, up steep terrain, around the bend until I finally found what I was searching for—my ribbon! But it wasn’t what I expected to see. It was torn, knotted, ratty and dull. My ribbon had been stomped on like a rug! All this time trying to find evidence of our love and once I found it, I decided that it wasn’t worth finding. What’s funny is that I knew that all along—I didn’t need a ribbon to tell me that our love was tarnished. But I wanted to see it for myself—needed to know that what my instincts were telling me was real. So I found my ribbon and it gave me answers—just not the ones I wanted…

Getting Back Into the Dating Game

Single life. It’s such a peculiar thing. I mean, one day you’re just expected to start over and start playing the game again—the dating game, that is. So that’s where I am now…I’m at the starting point. I’m a GO and I need to collect my $200 and go around the board, but I have so many questions! Are the pieces still the same, are the places still the same, do I need to go around the board twice before I can start buying property! I’m so confused about the rules of the game because I haven’t played in so long! I’m expected to revert back to something I did 2 ½ years ago, and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing! 

Here’s what I do know. When I do get back on the dating scene, I’m going to be the real, authentic Brooke. No more defense mechanisms that take the form of attitudes, shyness and apathy. Nope. I’m going to let all of me out! I’ve switched sides—I’m on offense now!

I'm Single and Happy (Yes, It's Possible)

Why are women afraid to be alone? Why does “single” have a negative connation? I tell my acquaintances that I’m single and they immediately start giving me a pity party: “You’ll meet someone,” “It was when I wasn't looking for anyone when I found my future husband,” “You’re young, you still have time”!  The thing is that I actually believe those statements are true, but it’s the context in which they are presented to me that I begin to doubt the validity of the words.   

For once, I want to tell someone that I’m single and for them to give me a high five! "You go girl…I wish I were single"!  Because that’s the truth too.  So many women are in relationships and are bored, tired, frustrated and horny. Women are in these stale relationships just because they don’t want to be alone. No thank you. I would MUCH rather be “alone” by myself than “alone” with someone!

Why I Want a Man...But Don't Need One

It’s funny because even though I am “at peace” with myself, I still desire love and affection from a man. Even though I have so much more free time and can do what I want to do, I still would enjoy the company of some testosterone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have a good time with myself, but there’s only so much enjoyment I can have before I start to get bored! 

Now Ladies, don’t misunderstand…I want a man; I don’t need a man. There is a significant different between the two and that difference is survival. If I have to have something in order to live—that’s a need. Food, air, water—those things are critical to my survival. A penis is not! In the past, I’ve been guilty of saying “I need a man.” But the things is, I can feed myself, I can clothe myself and I can wipe my own behind—so I can actually survive without a man. 

Ok…so now that I’ve fully convinced you and me that I don’t need a man, I can tell you why I want one! It’s simple: I just want someone who can enjoy life’s spontaneous moments with me. Let me explain. With friends, a lot of times you have to plan things. You have to plan to meet up for dinner, plan to do something next weekend, plan to go to the gym together. With a boyfriend, there is not as much “planning” and more “going.” Let’s go to that new restaurant down the street tonight, let’s go to the movies, let’s go get some ice cream. When I’m single, I can also, just “go,” but then I’m going alone. Oh…the irony…I have the flexibility to do what I want, when I want—but I don’t want to go by myself….

Relaxation

Today I’m at peace with myself—I’m not dictated by the past.  I’m not controlled by the pain.   

Relaxation

Eyes wide shut, but senses heightened

Total peace and serenity

Not a care in the world, my heart’s content

From now until eternity.

Inhale the warmth of bliss, ever quenching

Exhale the troubles of life

Feeling like a new creature, new beginning

A virgin to pain and strife.

Unceasing joy upon my face, a constant gleam

A twinkle in my eye

Sunshine seeping from my pores, all-consuming

A never-ending supply. 

Love emitting from my spirit, overflowing

A tangible gift from above

Feeling beauty, splendor, and glee—amazing

All-encompassing like a glove. 

I Am the Shit

Today I woke up—or should I say I remembered?  I remembered who I was—remembered the beauty I possess. Remembered that my beauty was not defined by a man, not defined by my friends and not defined by society. My beauty is defined by me. Today, I say “I am beautiful.” (Thanks, Christina Aguilera!). Every once in a while, you need a day where you wake up and say “I am the shit.”—this is one of those days. 

The reality is females are gradually losing a sense of the beauty that makes a woman, a woman. A woman is intelligent, intuitive, observant, wise, nurturing, strong and powerful.  That’s the beauty of being a woman—we have power! So, today, I’m totally embracing my beauty and my power—will you join me? “By our powers combined….”

I'm Just a Girl

At my most vulnerable moments, I know what I want...

I’m just a girl. Once you strip away the independence, the pride, the roots, the job, the background, the degree and the title—I’m just a girl. I’m a girl who wants to be loved. Yes, I’m admitting it…I want to be loved, I want to be cared about, thought of, looked after—I want to be someone’s. But it’s hard to admit that…It’s hard to strip away all those layers and expose the core.  Because at the core is vulnerability. At the core is innocence. At the core is me.  The real me. The me that he doesn’t see. The me that I won’t let him see. The me that cries when she watches Lifetime movies. The me that is lonely when he leaves. The me that cares when she hurts his feelings. But that me is hidden by layers and layers of defense mechanisms brought on by years of hurt, years of heartache, and years of pain…

*Photo by Jesse Therrien

My Truth

Truth—my life is dictated by it.  The desire to be “real” literally controls my actions, my words, my motives, ME.  I always took pride in being the “truth teller” (as I came to be called in college)—there weren’t many situations that would arise where I didn’t feel comfortable speaking what was on my mind.  My words were free-flowing—I couldn’t be tamed.  I was a babbling brook, my thoughts pouring out in a stream of unsolicited honesty.  The only person I wasn’t honest with was myself—not just any part of myself, but “the me” that showed up in relationships, particularly guy/girl relationships.  I was lying to myself, telling myself whatever I needed to in order to not expose myself to him, to not be vulnerable.  “I will never cry over a man,” “I will not fall too deep too quickly,” “I will not say I love you first.” –all things I would tell myself in order to not get hurt.  Well, the thing is while I was trying so hard to not get hurt, I was inadvertently hurting him and the relationship.  No more!  Join me in my journey to finding and exposing the truth—my truth—about relationships!