The Infinite Wisdom of Grandparents

In honor of my grandfather and his recent passing...I am going to re-post a blog entry that was inspired by him from August of 2011:


Simply put, my grandfather’s perspective on relationships is, “When you see something you want, you better get it before it’s gone!”

That’s what my grandfather was thinking when he proposed to my grandmother 60 years ago at the age of 21 (she was 19).  They had both grown up on farms in the small city of Unadilla, Georgia.  They had known of each other’s families growing up and started dating once they were adults.  After dating for just a few months, my grandfather proposed.  He knew what he wanted.

Sixty years later, he’s sitting beside his 26-year-old granddaughter who has been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years, and he asks me, “So why aren’t you married yet?”

I chuckle because that’s a very loaded question.  It catches me off guard because we hadn’t been talking about relationships or anything like that. I pause and I respond simply, “Because no one has asked me.” 

Apparently, that was an insufficient response because he nodded his head and said, “Well, the next time I see him, I’m going to ask him what is taking so long.”

I smiled to myself.  I love the fact that my grandfather is going to ask the magic question that I’ve been wanting to ask.  My 82-year-old grandfather is going to ask my 24-year-old boyfriend, why it’s taking him so long to propose to a young woman he’s been dating for some time now!

I love the picture that the image paints in my mind and I’m also eager to hear how my boyfriend responds.  My boyfriend is of the mindset that the situation has to be “right” before he proposes.  But my grandfather would say that if you spend time waiting for a “right” time, you might lose out on a “right” woman.

My grandfather saw in my grandmother the qualities that he wanted in a wife and 60 years later they are still together…he just wants the same thing for his granddaughter; because what he would also say (in his infinite wisdom) is that if a man is making you wait too long, you need to move on!

Feeling and Connection

My Truth about Relationships: More feeling and less thinking!

I realized tonight that I have been doing much thinking in my relationship and not as much feeling.  I was talking with another couple, and they were discussing how they feel spiritually connected.  Not "spiritually connected" in the cliche' kind of way, but truly connected in the kind of way where they actually feel what the other one is feeling.  They feel the energy of the other one and literally take on the emotion that the other one is feeling.

After I got past the "really?" stage, I actually thought what the couple was describing was beautiful and decided that was what I want to have with my boyfriend.  Over the time that my boyfriend and I have been dating, the deep feelings have faded to more of a dull touch.  This is not to say that we don't love each other, but it is to say that we have allowed the passion to decline.  But what I learned from this couple is that passion does not have to decline.  Passion is a choice. It is a choice because it stems from being open, being vulnerable, being honest, being real, being YOU.  A person must choose to be all those things and trust that their partner will reciprocate.  It's once both people are choosing to be raw that passion reveals itself.

I'm ready to rekindle my passion, but I'm also a bit uncomfortable with "going all in."  I'm a bit uncomfortable with really exposing myself to my boyfriend.  He obviously knows me, but I'm talking about exposing the things that I second guess saying to him; the things that I second guess doing.

Join me on my journey toward getting comfortable with feeling.

Drama, Drama, Drama!

The truth about my relationship: Drama, drama, drama!

It’s funny how in relationships, something that starts off as a small disagreement can escalate into a huge problem in a short amount of time. 

When you are in a relationship with someone, it’s almost impossible to sweep an issue under the rug… it always has a way of reappearing. Issues don’t go away—they just mask themselves temporarily. And somehow, the longer you wait to address them, the harder it is to overcome them. And the impact it has on the relationship is bigger. 

My boyfriend and I were caught in this situation.  In fact, we weren’t just caught, we were rendered immobile. We had a slight disagreement last weekend about the limits of our relationship and what’s appropriate to do or not do while the other is not there. Well, fast forward five days later and we were having a full argument about trust and dishonesty! And the whole time we are arguing, I’m asking myself: How did we get here?

I was asking myself that, but I really knew the answer and I knew whose fault it was: MINE. I didn’t address the minor issue when it first occurred, so the longer I went without addressing it, the more problematic it became.  So although we had had no prior issues of trust or dishonesty in our relationship, the fact that I hadn’t addressed the minor issue, created a trust problem. 

And with the trust problem came the infamous DRAMA. My boyfriend and I generally try to keep drama out of our relationship—neither one of us like it.  However, this time, we were a slave to the drama. We couldn’t break free from its reign. It had a hold of us and the more drama we would entertain, the more would come. It was this vicious cycle of drama feeding more drama.

We both knew we needed to come to a resolution but we didn’t know how…

So for now, we are caught…

Undeserving

The truth about my relationship: Not sure I deserve the great relationship I have with my boyfriend…

I feel honored and blessed to have a man like you in my life.  I’m not sure what I did to deserve you; but nevertheless, I’m grateful.  I’m grateful to have you in my life because you are everything I dreamed you would be; truly.  

Six or seven years ago, I made a list of everything I wanted in a future husband.  I know people have different opinions on whether a person should write down a list of “qualifications” they want in a future mate.  However, it was important for me to write down my “must haves” and “nice to haves” in a future mate because I never wanted to settle.  No matter how many years I was single, I didn’t want to just go for anything. So I made a list…

On the list were “nice to haves” like "athletic" and "comes from a two-parent household," but there was also some “must haves” like "being a Christian" and "treating me well." 

My boyfriend matches so many things that I wanted in my future husband.  He meets my “nice to haves” and my “must haves.”  He is so right for me that it’s kind of scary.  How did I ever find someone who was such a great match for me?  I didn’t even seek this person out; it was like he was sent to me.  I believe God sent this excellent match for me, but why?  What did I do to deserve him? 

I have this great guy who is in love with me. We get along well and we trust and respect each other.  We have a great time together and are truly best friends.  I don’t know what I did to deserve a relationship like this…

So maybe I don’t deserve it, but the fact is I have it.  So I guess I need to start focusing on nurturing it and keeping it as opposed to questioning whether I’ve earned it.

Can You Ever Be Too Truthful?

Image from nasblog.org

The truth about my relationship: My boyfriend is being too truthful!

They say “honesty is the best policy.”  In general, I agree with “them,” but there are times when being honest doesn’t actually help the situation. 

I was blissfully unaware of a few things my boyfriend had been doing (don’t worry, he wasn’t cheating on me), but this afternoon he had decided to come clean about some of his extra-curricular activities and behaviors.  None of these confessions contained information that directly impacted me, so when he decided to get these things off his chest, I was unaffected.  I was glad that he felt better; that there was a burden lifted from him, but other than that, I could have done without the information. 

It’s not that I don’t care or that I am heartless, but I have so many other things that do directly affect my life, that I don’t want to give energy to this situation.  Basically, I need to put things in perspective and I don’t want to over-react to this situation.  There are so many other negative things that he could have confessed that when he said what he said I almost chuckled. 

In a world with cheating and men on the down low and illegal activity, what he shared with me was the least of my concerns!

If nothing else, the honesty that he showed this afternoon told me that he really cares about me and wants me to be a part of every aspect of his life—good and the bad.  It’s one step closer toward trusting him and loving him more, which enables me to continue to let my guard down and be vulnerable with him. 

So they say honesty is the best policy…but they also say ignorance is bliss…who wins?

Searching...

The truth about my relationship: I am trying to find a sign!!!

Signs—there are signs all around us.  Signs tell us what to do, what not to do, how to act, where to go, when to go, and how to go.  Signs take the shape of octagons telling us to stop. Lights tell us to go, and flashing hands telling us to be cautious.

What I’m learning is that there are also signs in relationships—signs telling us to stop, go, and to be cautious.  And right now I feel like there is a bright, glaring green light telling us to proceed; go to the next level of our relationship. 

But we are unable to see the green light because we’ve been blinded by many years of flashing hands.  These flashing hands blink "on" and "off" in a rhythm that forces us to slow down.  As soon as we think we have the green light and can speed back up, the flashing hands come and make us cautious again, slowing us down.  So are almost stricken immobile for fear of moving when we aren’t supposed to.  It’s like we are afraid to cross the street to the other side for fear of getting caught in the middle and not being able to make it to the other side in time.  The flashing hands always push us back to our starting point. 

But this time is different—it has to be!  The signs are more obvious than ever; the only ones standing in our way is ourselves.  We are holding ourselves back from going to the next level.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of making a mistake.  We are holding ourselves back for fear of ridicule, criticism, and disagreement.

We are holding ourselves back because of others and how it will make us look.

But, at some point, we will have to take a risk.  We will have to cross the street and proceed to the next step in our relationship. 

We need signs, but we also need to trust the signs once we receive them. 

Hands-Off Helping

Sometimes I feel like a mom rather than a girlfriend.

Image by Yoshi Aka

I have a strong desire to help you, a strong desire to do things for you.  I want to solve the problem, find the solution, answer the question.  I want to do all the thinking so you don’t have to. 

But I can’t.  I can’t do that.  I am able to do that, but I shouldn’t.  I need to enable you to resolve your own dilemmas, not enable you to not have to face them. 

I want to help but I can’t.  I can’t be your mom.  You don’t want me to be, and I don’t want me to be.  But sometimes I find myself playing the “mom” role because I don’t trust you to do it yourself.  I know you have good intentions, but sometimes your intentions don’t translate to reality.  I just want to be there to ensure the translation is correct.

But I can’t do that anymore.  For the good of our relationship, I need to start being more hands off.  I need to start taking a back seat and letting you steer the car.  That’s the only way I’m going to start having confidence in you and you are going to have confidence in yourself. 

So I will stop “helping” (if that’s what we should even consider it).  I will stop treating you like a child.  I will stop holding your hand.  I will just stop. 

I have a strong desire to help you, but I have an even stronger desire for you to help yourself.  You are a very smart, competent man.  I need to start allowing you to be…

Which begs the question, why do I feel the need to play the “mom” role?  Do I like playing that role in relationships? Do I get some type of satisfaction by playing that role—Maybe in some weird way, I like to feel needed and in control?

Either way, I can’t put that on you.  I need to find someone else to place my maternal instincts on, because I don’t think any man likes to be told what to do for long…